There were lots of running jokes in the three seasons of Star Trek, TOS (The Original Series). One was how Captain Kirk managed to find romance with every female alien the Enterprise came across. The entire affair was resolved in an hour. Then he was free for the next conquest next week. Star Trek: TNG (The Next Generation) and the newer series allowed the regular characters to pair up and have long drawn-out relationships; Picard and Crusher, Riker and Troi, Data and that tough blonde who quit after the first season... what was her name? For comedic purposes, Captain Kirk and his promiscuous ways are more fun.



Kissing Kirk

Captain Kirk’s romances. It’s a long list.

What kind of lover is Captain Kirk? Obviously a good one.

Time to nip this "Kirk got laid every week" nonsense in the bud. An episode-by-episode list detailing whether Kirk got lucky.

Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women. The definitive book.

Spock’s Guide to Women. A shorter and less expensive book.

Star Trek: TNG and The Love Boat. More eerie similarities than you can shake a stick at.

Lots of Star Trek romantic fan fiction.

Star Trek’s Greatest Couples.

Captain Kirk vs. Han Solo. Let's just compare resumes here. Kirk routinely defeats gods, thumped the Klingon Empire so badly that a hundred years later it's being all but run by a bald Frenchman, and has scored with more women than Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain combined. By contrast, the toughest opponent Solo has ever defeated have been stormtroopers, he managed to get himself captured in every movie (including one memorable incident where he was captured by Ewoks and another where he had to be rescued by the same), and needed three movies to score with a single woman when the only competition for her was her brother.

Flickr user Marcello Poletti posted a set of stills from Star Trek (the original series) featuring the beautiful women of the series. There are 81 photos so far. (via Dump Trumpet)

The Women of Star Trek.

How Star Trek handled the idea of gay relationships. Fan fiction, on the other hand, just jumped right in.

William Shatner talks about being Captain Kirk, and tells some stories you haven’t heard before.

Captain Kirk’s Bulging Trousers.

Star Trek Sex

You’ll find a couple more compilations full of innuendo and double entendres here. Possibly NSFW.

Captain Kirk on Women

(via Memory Alpha)
"You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman." (TOS: "The Enemy Within")

"When I get my hands on the headquarters genius who gave me a female yeoman..." (TOS: "The Corbomite Maneuver")

"Uh, there are things you can do with a lady, uh, Charlie, that you... Uh, there's no right way to hit a woman. I mean, man to man is one thing, but, um, man and woman, uh, it's, ah... is, uh... Well, it's, ah, another thing. Do you understand?" (TOS: "Charlie X")

"Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman... always remains a woman." (TOS: "The Conscience of the King")

"You'll learn something about men and women... the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call... love. You'll like that too. A lot." (TOS: "The Apple")

"Mr. Spock, on your planet the women are logical. Yours is the only planet in the universe that can make that claim." (TOS: "Elaan of Troyius")

The Top 15 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines

15. "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

14. "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"

13. "Nice Asimov."

12. "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

11. "W-w-w-w-w-wo-would y-y-y-y-you g-g-g-g-go o-o-out w-w-w-w... ah, screw it."

10. "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

9. "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

8. "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom's place and watch 'Dr. Who'?"

7. "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!"

6. "I'm the droid you're looking for."

5. "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

4. "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

3. "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

2. "I sense something... a presence I've not felt since I saw you bend over the registration table."

1. "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

Previously at Miss Cellania: more Star Trek posts.

Thought for today: Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman. -Captain James T. Kirk

Hey! I got through this entire post without mentioning the Captain's Log! 

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The latest news story about death is about environmentally-friendly corpse disposal. No need to bury someone and lock up land use. No need to cremate and fill the air with smoke and noxious fumes. You can just dissolve the remains with lye! The process is called alkaline hydrolysis, and it’s not yet offered at funeral homes, but may be someday soon. It will at least save money on cemetery plots and tombstones. I just don’t see people requesting this much... at least for themselves. Still, when you check out the collection of “restless corpse” links just ahead, having your body dissolved might not seem like such a bad idea.



Wake Gone Wrong

The Internet Commenters at a Funeral.

6 Restless Corpses. True stories of dead bodies that stick around with the rest of us.

6 MORE Restless Corpses.

6 Restless Corpses: Heads of State Edition.

Coffins to die for. When you absolutely, positively must have the most fashionable funeral ever.

The Top Ten Weirdest Rock and Roll Deaths. Or nine, really, since Cass Elliot’s entry was the rumor about her death.

The 5 Historical Figures Who Died The Weirdest Deaths. Stomach-churning weird, for the most part, but the best was the one who died when a turtle fell from the sky.

Funeral Blues. This is sad.

Things your body can do after you die.

Dad’s Funeral

(Thanks, Rich!)
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

THE CEMETERY

(via It Occurred to Me)
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Death, Death Warmed Over, Death and Dying, Funeral, Murder, Jack the Ripper, Divorce or Murder? and Ghost Stories.

Thought for today: According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. -Jerry Seinfeld

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Building an Airbus

Read all about airline meals at Airline Meals.You can even look up what's going to be served on your flight!

Collection of over 400 stewardess uniforms.

Airport is a cartoon of an airplane trip using infographics. This is clever!

HAMBURG (Thanks, Mike!)

A veteran British Airways captain had just flown into Hamburg airport after its major overhaul in the 1970's. The new taxiway arrangements were a bit unfamiliar to him, as he carefully navigated his way to the terminal.

An officious, impatient traffic controller upbraided him over the radio: "I thought all British Airways pilots were expert on the world's airports."

"I'm sorry," the captain replied. "It's just that the last time I was here was at night, in 1943."

PLANE MAINTENANCE
After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

(Miss C here. I have seen this going around referring to different airplines, even the Air Force, so I would take the Qantas part with a grain of salt. But its still funny!)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Hostile Skies is a WWII dogfight game. I don't normally go for shoot-em-ups, but this was fun, easy to figure out and completely mouse-controlled.

All the information you could think of about airlines and more can be found at The Airchive.

Previously on Miss Cellania: The Friendly Skies, Air Travel, Airlines, Airplanes, Airport, Plane Fun, Military Pilots, and Snakes on a Plane!

Thought for today: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

This post was first published on April 27 2006.

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I read about a site where you can post your picture and see how other people judge you accordingly. And of course you can judge other people by their picture. It’s called FaceStat and I decided to try it out. I upoaded the profile picture I use most often. You can see the results here. Users think I am about 37 years old, politically conservative, married, probably trustworthy, and bright. They don’t know me very well! My looks are “not bad”. I might score better there if they had any idea how wrong they are about my age. At least one described me as a “hag” and said I have “ugly glasses.” Bite me. The lesson is, you can’t judge people by their looks. If you decide to try it out, let me know so I can follow the misconceptions about you!



Raspberry Duet (via b3ta)

5 Psychological Experiments That Prove Humanity is Doomed. They do help us understand the craziness around us.

See how other Americans are spending their economic stimulus checks at the blog How I Spent My Stimulus. You can submit your own report, too! How are you going to spend your economic stimulus check?

The Rise and Fall of Atari. This is why you play video games today instead of pinball.

Trueroots has some suggestions for geeky gestures that will surprise Mom on Mothers Day. And they don’t cost much, either. 

Professor Arthur Shapiro started a blog about optical illusions called Illusion Sciences. He posts illusions, then explains why they fool the eye (or the mind).  (via J-Walk Blog )

The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time.

The most visually frightening bridge ever. The Sky Bridge in Langkawi, Malaysia is held up by one thin column set at an angle.

Game Shows Can Sap Your Brains Out.

CONVERSION

(via Phil’s Phun)
A Protestant minister moved into a Roman Catholics community. Every Friday he could be seen cooking steaks etc. Finally the people approached him and asked him to change to the Catholic Faith.

He agreed to do this and after a while the Bishop anointed him with Holy water, sprinkling him three times and saying, "In the name of the Father, the Son and the holy Ghost you are now a Catholic."

The next Friday the man was outside Barbecuing a roast of beef .

The people protested to him, so he got some water, blessed it, and sprinkled it on the meat saying "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost you are now fish"

How fast can you type?
42 words

Speedtest
Not too shabby for someone who never learned to touch type. (via MotherPie)

It would take real talent to screw up a movie with this concept. The Nazis have been hiding out on the moon since 1945. Eventually, they’ll come back.

10 Insulting Words You Should Know. Because if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, you can baffle them with these obscure terms.

Illustrator Mike Reed began caricaturing the personalities that forum users display during flame wars some years ago, and the collection has expanded over time. Surely you will recognize some of these Flame Warriors from your own experience. (via Everlasting Blort)

An animation from Chris Ware lets us all in on a married couple’s differing  versions of the same story. The story of “the story” is low key, believable, and altogether entertaining.

PERSPECTIVE

(via Bits and Pieces)
A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he  felt terribly depressed and decided to  commit suicide.

He got into an elevator and went to the top  of a building to jump off.   He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer  and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.   He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.

He told him how  glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him  again  for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.

The one armed man asked, ‘why are you so happy anyway?’

He said, ‘I’m NOT happy …. my ass itches!'

Voice Talkers (via Everlasting Blort)

After decades of working in radio, this hits home. I used to dream in advertising cliches. And when I was married to another announcer, people used to comment on how weird it was to hear us speak to each other off-air. This video won second place in some YouTube contest.

Thought for today: The first day at the nudist colony is always the hardest. (via Wulfweard)

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

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