This is a pretty popular forward! I received it three times in the last week, so I figured I'd better go ahead and post it while its hot. (Thanks, JJ, Jeanine, and Ken!)



Why women live longer than men !

The following photos show conclusively why it is that women tend to live longer than men.


#7
("And to think... those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!")



#6
("Gee, guys... that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a small chlorine gas leak...")



#5
(Necessity is the mother of invention...)




#4
("Jackstands? Hah! Who needs 'em?")




#3
(I'm sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.)



#2
Step 1: Remove shoes.
Step 2: Place metal ladder in water.
Step 3: Begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.

And the winner is...



(How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?)

You also need to check out this video of two men and a ladder at Arbroath.

I took this life expectancy test and scored 87.89 years. Got a long way to go!

An oldie but goodie. According to The Death Clock, I need to be ready by 2051. Maybe I should open an IRA.

If you see something not working right on this blog, please contact me. I'm no geek, and I'm just learning how to do this. I also have a new computer and browser that reads my mind and and shows me what I want to see. Therefore, I see no formatting problems, even when other people do. (Thanks, Bruce and Kate!)

Thought for today: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

This post first appeared on September 8, 2005. I've been slammed with projects both online and offline. New posts will resume tomorrow.

humor jokes gender funny games photos danger safety

Many thanks to all who stopped by here and left a birthday greeting in the comments Thursday! I was overwhelmed with the response on this and several other posts that mentioned my birthday. I didn’t get any gifts, or cards (unless you count that one from the dentist back at the first of the month), and I got to pay for the birthday dinner out (as usual), but the comments made it a really special birthday! I’m still not used to being a year older... but honestly, do I have to get used to that? Getting over a bad cold at this age is hard enough. I tried some overdue yard work yesterday, and totally exhausted myself in about a half hour. But that beats last week by a long shot!



Rammstein preparing for Oktoberfest! (via b3ta)

Non-Stop FAIL! This video may make you hurt. And laugh!

If you are a politician, and you are going to steal bandwidth, don’t do it to a b3ta member.

Robot Chicken takes on the myth of the protective blanket vs monsters in the dark.

This ad for the Nissan Rogue is worth the load time. It will make you dizzy!! (via the Presurfer)

Top Ten Bizarre Disasters.

More Bizarre Deaths. (via the Presurfer)

Exercise your brain by switching your mouse to the other hand.

THE PAINTER

A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

Ten full-length classic movies available online, ranging from the chilling Nosferatu to the heartwarming It’s A Wonderful Life. All worth watching!

This is just too funny. I felt bad about laughing out loud about this street crime, but I couldn’t help myself.

What do you mean, unemployable? Inked, Inc. has profiles of heavily tattooed doctors, lawyers, professors, etc.

Donkey Kong in real life is a whole lot harder than the video game.

Worst use of a file photo ever.

The Condom Cannon.

Two million virgins: The effect of war on women. (via Look at This)

A Japanese TV show answers the burning question: What kind of tire makes the best leap off a ski jump?

Just for fun: Mt. Rushmore sings The Teddy Bears Picnic. (via the Presurfer)

Humvee on the Highway in Iraq. A short but surprising video.

The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries. The word here is logorrhea. Bonus: Gratuitous pictures of Anna Kournikova.

66 Simpsons Stills and their Referenced Movies.

THE RECIPE

(Thanks, Eva!)
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied,"I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! - I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

 "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

 "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.

"Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!!!"

You gotta follow the recipe!!!

The One Semester of Spanish Love Song (via Cynical-C)

Thought for today: All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

humor jokes video funny games

What a wonderful story, full of symbolism (apple, snake, fig leaves), the struggle of good vs. evil, a beautiful garden for a setting, and nudity! What else could you ask for? With this as a first story, the Bible just grabs you and sucks you right in. A guaranteed best seller. And when you start peeling the layers back (like Shrek), you find more layers of meaning.

Tish published an Interview with Adam, part one and part two.

Hoss on the Garden of Eden.

Many different theories of Creation.

Belief-O-Matic -- A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs.

CREATION OF WOMAN
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'

'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.

'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'

'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

'Sounds great.'

'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'

'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.

'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.'

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

ALTERNATE VERSION (Thanks, Wendy!)
Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."

UNRULY CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Thought for today: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.

This post originally appeared on February 20, 2006.

humor links Adam creation Eve Eden Genesis jokes funny

There are beautiful dogs and ugly dogs, but for every dog, there should be someone who loves them. I say “should” because the shelters are full of dogs who need a home. Please have yours spayed or neutered so there won’t be more. The joy of a dog is in his loyalty and unconditional devotion to his leader (alpha). When no one else loves you, your dog does. While your cat may want to be alone occasionally, your dog never does. Your dog is always open for suggestions, and almost always wants to do whatever activity you are doing. You can’t find a spouse like that! Or friends! Or children!



Dogs Just Want To Have Fun (via Arbroath)

The dog’s name was Shithead.

Puppy tummy. (via Dump Trumpet)

A puppy with a heart-shape spot in its fur was born in May in Japan. Breeder Emiko Sakurada has no plans to sell "Heart-kun". (via Fark)

Sugar, the two-legged wonder dog.

Dog-end towel holder. (via Dump Trumpet)

Stubby the Military Dog.

Walking the Dog

(va Bits and Pieces)
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the> block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father.  I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a> walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

Khoi Vinh knows how his dog Mister President thinks. He contructed this flowchart to show how he (and other dogs) think. Makes plenty of sense to me! (via Look at This)

 

Talking Dog

(via Phil’s Phun)
A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college, but about 1/3 ofthe way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at the University of Tennessee that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 waythrough the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father,

"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks toyour Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Dog Beats Owner. At Wii Tennis. (via b3ta)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dogs, Dog Humor, Dogs and Cats, Dogs and More Dogs, and Puppy Dogs.

Thought for today: The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.  ~Samuel Butler

humor jokes video funny dogs puppies pets canine