Everyone wants a little lovin’ now and then. Often is good. Even when you’re getting up in years. I see stories about it, and commenters who are totally grossed out. You can imagine how young those commenters are. As the old guy in It’s a Wonderful Life said, “Youth is wasted on the wrong people.” Young folks may have the looks and the health for sex, but they also have too much at stake. They have to worry about making a good impression, pregnancy, being compared to former lovers, choosing a partner that they can put up with for many years, and selecting a parent for their children. And they worry about whther it’s true love or not. Old folks only worry about important things, like whether to take your teeth out first.



Granny’s Ad (via Unibrow)

Elderly Sex Studies Put Young People Off Sex. So don’t do it in front of the kids.

Giving out condoms at the senior citizens center.

Not only are senior citizens having sex, but they’re writing books about it, too!

Geriatric sex advertisements raise more than eyebrows.

This is comforting: 'You don't lose it just because you get old'.

88-year-old woman welcomes her 49-year-old husband home from prison. His crimes? Killing two elderly women. And sexually assaulting a 12-year-old.

POLICE CALL

This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."

ROMANCE

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

INTERVIEW

(via Phil’s Phun)
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter.

"What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist,

"I fights 'em."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Senior Sex,  Older Women, Seniors and Sex, and Sex and the Senior Citizen.

Thought for today: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. -Mae West

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The day is finally here, and aren’t you glad? Because that means that this is the final post you’ll see from me on Halloween this year (at least at this site)! Halloween for a “soccer mom” like me can be hectic. Offline, I’ve been just as Halloweeny as I am online. My kids went to a costume birthday party last week. Princess the Pirate broke her sword, and I’ve looked all over town to find another at the last minute. Last night was a church picnic with a costume contest, and I found her a proper weapon in time. She had refused to carry a light saber -go figure. Gothgrrl is constantly reminding me that she is not a vampire, she’s a girl vampire. Alrighty then. See them in costume at Miss C Recommends. But tonight, they are trick-or-treating and staying over with friends, so I will be home watching fright flicks and waiting for things to go bump in the night. They better bring me home some chocolate!



This is Halloween

Look at This has posted a comprehensive look at Halloween, including the origins of the holiday, the many ways different countries celebrate, Halloween trivia, and a huge list of links to more holiday fun and information.

Classic funny skeleton videos.

38 Essential Facts about Frankenstein.

The Haunted Hospital. It's going to be on TV tonight!

Artist Kipling West is all about bats, especially this time of year!

Halloween Stripper

Gruesome Halloween Party Food.

How to make Pumpkin Punch.

Pumpkin Spice Truffles are made from chocolate, not pumpkin, but taste like pumpkin pie!

How to make peanut butter fudge ghosts.

Mad monster Party!

Use halloween candy to educate and annoy your kids.

Halloween Hangman!

Watch Dracula, the 1931 Bela Lugosi version, at Miss C Recommends.

Soiled Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

Do They Know It’s Halloween?

Previously at Miss Cellania: Halloween Costume Parade, Haunted House, Zombie Fest, Trick or Treat!, Ghost Stories, Horror Stories, Halloween Links, Skeletons, Halloween Candy, Halloween Costumes, Monsters, Pumpkins, Jack-O-Lanterns, Halloween Party, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and Zombies.

Thought for today: The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. -H. P. Lovecraft

PS: Check out chicomathmom's costume at Miss C Recommends! 

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If you can't see the image to the left, run your mouse over it. See? You can make your own googly-eye picture at Flash Gear. The previous post on Zombies was quite popular, but like all popular internet memes, there is a lot of new material. No one seems to get tired of zombies. They are so lovable! Putrid rotting corpses coming to devour your brains -what's not to love? With only a day to go til Halloween, a Zombie Fest is certainly in order!



Bush vs. Zombies (Thanks, Jan!)

Lots of classic internet zombie videos, in one post.

Thirteen Thriller dance videos, from Cebu to Iraq to Second Life.

Ten WORST Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak. (via Neatorama)

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse. This might come in handy.

Zombie Infection Simulation.

Video: Zombies in Plain English. 

SHORTS

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.

Why didn’t the zombie proceed with his lawsuit?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on!

Why won’t a zombie eat a clown?
Because they taste funny.

There once was a ravenous zombie
who started chomping on me
He caused me some pains
as he chewed on my brains
and got blood on my Abercrombie

Can you see yourself as a zombie? Yes, you can! Artist Rob Sacchetto will transform a photograph of you into a zombie portrait!

Zombie Sex Guide.

The True Story of the Zombie Hamsters.

What you can learn from zombie movies.

Urban Dead, A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse. I’m too shy to try this. If you have, let me know what it’s like!

Zombifed action figures by NTT!

Zombie sheep!

Lego Zombies. (via Dump Trumpet)

The Zombies All Live in New Jersey Because They Can't Afford the Tolls for the Lincoln Tunnel.

Zombies and Pirates in Minneapolis. Oh my!

Zombie Pickup Lines

Honest! I AM interested in your brain...

I could tell you a joke, it would kill you, but I see you've heard it before.

You think this is nice now, wait until Rigor Mortis sets in!

If I told you you had a nice body, would you let me break a piece off and take it home?

Is that a writhing mass of maggots in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

It must be very hard to get into those pants, considering that you have no arms.

HAIKU

Playing fetch with Spot
is dangerous when the bones
he brings back still move.
See more zombie haiku here.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Zombies

Thought for today: BRAAAAAIIINNNNNNSSS!

humor jokes video funny zombies living dead undead BRAINS!

People have been going nuts looking up “Halloween Costumes” on Google. How do I know? An awful lot of them end up here, checking out my previous posts on the subject. But every year, there’s a new crop of costume to die for, and costumes that make you wish you were dead. I don’t remember Halloween costumes from my childhood (it was so long ago), but I’ve had plenty as an adult. Strangely, they have all been recycled. Whatever I wore on Halloween was made for an earlier event. I’ve been the Easter Bunny, Supergirl, and a leprechaun for radio promotions. I don't think I wore the leprechaun outfit for Halloween, but one year I was the Easter Bunny. That got some laughs! I was Strawberry Shortcake one year in a retail sales promotion. My Rocky Horror costume was for, uh, Rocky Horror screenings. My Star Trek uniform was for cons. One of these days, I’ll get those pictures scanned. But not today.



This Halloween -Nikki Katt

Raisin Hell. The story of a fourth grader and the coolest costume in the world. Or so he thought.

Around Halloween, you find yourself uttering words that could get you arrested any other time of the year.

Double Viking’s favorite Halloween costumes.

Top 10 Topical Halloween Costumes Everyone Will Be Wearing Even Though We Wish They Wouldn’t. (via Gorilla Mask)

The Talking Rat Cap. This would be a real conversation-starter at a party. Literally. (via Everlasting Blort)

This guy was just a bystander. (via Unique Daily)

The cleverest Pacman costume ever. (via Dump Trumpet)

Aw, man, look at this poor kid. So what if it's Photoshopped, that expression is priceless! (via My 2 Second Shelf Life)

Create your own realistic werewolf costume.

The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes. (via Unique Daily)

Flying Spaghetti Monster costume.

Tips on making your own FSM costume.

Sandy Walsh’s costume from 2004 called “Frylock”.

Miss Cellania is a Vampire!

You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist. And you're not afraid to walk alone in life, if it means getting what you truly crave. You truly enjoy entrancing people. Not to mention the ensuing pleasures of the flesh. Your tastes have been called decadent and bizarre. You usually give in to your temptations, no matter how primal. Your greatest power: Your flawless ability to seduce and charm. Your greatest weakness: Human flesh. You play well with: Werewolves

You can’t do your own elf ears. You just can’t. But here are instructions to do someone else’s.

The Do-It-Yourself Optimus Prime Halloween Costume.

Reposting in case you missed it a couple of weeks ago: Ten Epic Halloween Costumes. And then there’s the followup, where mental_floss readers share their most memorable costumes.

Yip Yips

ROCKY

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

YOU CAN’T WIN

There once was a man with a bald head and a peg leg who was in need of a Halloween costume. So he wrote to a costume company, who promptly sent him a bandana and a hook so he could be a pirate.

Outraged that they were making fun of his peg leg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk’s costume saying that it would be perfect for his baldhead.

Now outraged that they were making fun of his baldhead, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail — a package of caramel. Attached was a note:

“Stick the peg leg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple.”

Previously at Miss Cellania: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly and Halloween Costumes

Thought for today: If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. -Jack Handy

humor jokes video funny Halloween costumes