Entries from May 1, 2008 - June 1, 2008
Dog Jokes
You’re not going to beat a dog for utter loyalty and devotion. You’re not going to beat a dog in any way, because beating dogs is just wrong. Dogs are pack animals and are always happiest when they know their place in the hierarchy. Once that’s figured out, they will give their all happily to please the alpha dog -which is you, if you own the dog. It doesn’t matter that you are ugly, broke, obnoxious, or smelly, you are still the alpha and that’s all that matters. Just seeing you makes a dog’s day, and pleasing you makes them feel on top of the world. It’s not the way I’d want to live my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that’s just the way a dog’s world is. The least we can do is treat them right. They deserve it, no matter how silly they are.
The Dog and the Door (via Bits and Pieces)
Lots of LOLdogs are at I Has A Hotdog.
Queenie in Trouble. A strange excerpt from The Dogway Melody circa 1930.
Dogs with Dye Jobs. (via J-Walk Blog)
A dog suffers from cervical fractures and spinal cord trauma. His name is Lucky. Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s also the true story of a dog you’ll cheer for.
Dog Thong to iPaw: 15 Pet Products We Can't Believe Exist. The political dog chews are kid of tempting.
Relative Dog Motion. A discussion on physics with the family dog, which helps me understand relativity better than any textbook.
The Dog
by Ogden Nash
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state that the dog is full of love.
I've also found, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.
Violin
(via Dribbleglass)
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, Johnny, can't you play something this damn dog doesn't know?"
NEW DOG BREEDS
(via Bits and Pieces)
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, not a good dog.
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu
You figure this one out.
GOLF DOG
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."
Persistance (via Arbroath)
Previously at Miss Cellania: Dog Humor, Dogs, Dogs and Cats, Dogs and More Dogs, Puppy Dogs, Dogs and Puppies.
Thought for today: No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. ~Christopher Morley
Miss Cellania
1 Comment
EmailJust Desserts
About a year ago, two events conspired to change my life. I gave up on men, and I became a professional blogger. Blogging doesn't pay much, so I find myself working three jobs and putting in ridiculous hours sitting at the computer. There's not much keeping me away from the caramels and chocolates in my desk drawer... after all, everyone's got to have a little joy in their lives! As a consequence, I have become incredibly fat. I keep telling myself "this is temporary, I can lose this weight". Sure I can, all it takes is MORE self-denial MORE sacrifice, MORE willpower. Reminds me of the old joke where the man asks the doctor how long can he expect to live. The doctor asks, "Do you eat healthy food, avoid smoking, drinking, and wild sex, go to bed at a decent time, and exercise?" When the man answers yes, the doctor says "Then why do you care?"
Honestly, the main thing I need is to get out of the house (and away from the desk drawer) and get a life. It would probably help my blogging in the long run. But who has the time with post requirements and deadlines?
Cheesecake
See amazing things made of candy at Sugart.
Cuppycake Gumdrop Snookums. You need to have your insulin ready for this one.
Virtual Ice Cream Cone Generator.
Pie blogging, for pie fans.
Red Velvet Cake does not taste like velvet. Devil's Food Cake does not taste like hell. So what about Urinal Cakes?
Indulge online at The Candy Addict. Don't miss the Top Ten Candy Urban Legends.
THE BAKE SALE
(Thanks, Wendy!)
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this.... Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale!
After rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
Previously at Miss Cellania: Chocolate, Chocolate Candy, Chocolate and Coffee, Christmas Treats, Halloween Candy, Peeps, Easter Eggs, and Bunnies, Coffee and Chocolate, and Fruitcake.
Thought for today: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
The original version of this post appeared on April 4, 2006. It once included a plug for the Sexiest Male Blogger Contest, which is why the comments make no sense.
humor jokes video funny games dessert funny cake pie cookies
Robotics
See the robot to the left? That’s the Neatoramabot! I’ve been collecting links on robots for some time, but couldn’t decide on a title picture until this guy made his debut. The Neatorama Store is now open, where you can get t-shirts with the Neatoramabot and the Neatoramanaut (designed by Apelad) on them, plus designs from other artists and t-shirts with internet memes. There are soem pretty cool designs. When you’re finished shopping, come back and enjoy some robot jokes, links, and videos right here. I’ll wait.
MST3K Robot Rumpus (via Ectoplasmosis)
Robot Dance, featuring Princess, Gothgrrl, and me. I parked this elsewhere due to the autoplay music.
Robots that will make you laugh.
Treating the fear of robots, particularly Roombas.
Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories has a tutorial on building your own little walking Bristlebot out of a toothbrush and a pager motor. The result is cute and will impress the kids. You can build several and make them race -if you can get them all going in a straight line!
This sociable robotic weight-loss coach will give you puppy-dog eyes if you eat that ice cream.
Gordon Bennett makes robots from found objects. He was inspired by Norman Bel Geddes and Raymond Loewy. These are for sale, and no two are alike. I want one! (via Everlasting Blort)
The 50 best movie robots. (via Metafilter)
You can teach a robot to swim, if its a robotic fish!
Firefighting bug-shaped German robots.
Jokes made by robots, for robots.
Created by OnePlusYou
The Bender Beer Brewing Project.
Cucumber Robot (via Engadget)
When you go to grab some of this salad, it will grab you right back! It’s a robotic hand made of cucumbers. From MAYA : Make.
Build your own robot and make him dance! (music NSFW)
The Real Transformers. Robots have come a long way.
You might think that having a robot solve your Rubik’s Cube takes the fun out of the toy. But robots are cool, and Straydog Scraps has eight different puzzle-solving robots, with videos.
LIES
(via Bits and Pieces)
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Defective (via Ursi’s Blog)
Previously at Miss Cellania: Robots and Robot Sex
Thought for today: I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. -Jack Handy
humor jokes video funny games robot android automaton robotics
Star Trek Sex
There were lots of running jokes in the three seasons of Star Trek, TOS (The Original Series). One was how Captain Kirk managed to find romance with every female alien the Enterprise came across. The entire affair was resolved in an hour. Then he was free for the next conquest next week. Star Trek: TNG (The Next Generation) and the newer series allowed the regular characters to pair up and have long drawn-out relationships; Picard and Crusher, Riker and Troi, Data and that tough blonde who quit after the first season... what was her name? For comedic purposes, Captain Kirk and his promiscuous ways are more fun.
Kissing Kirk
Captain Kirk’s romances. It’s a long list.
What kind of lover is Captain Kirk? Obviously a good one.
Time to nip this "Kirk got laid every week" nonsense in the bud. An episode-by-episode list detailing whether Kirk got lucky.
Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women. The definitive book.
Spock’s Guide to Women. A shorter and less expensive book.
Star Trek: TNG and The Love Boat. More eerie similarities than you can shake a stick at.
Lots of Star Trek romantic fan fiction.
Star Trek’s Greatest Couples.
Captain Kirk vs. Han Solo. Let's just compare resumes here. Kirk routinely defeats gods, thumped the Klingon Empire so badly that a hundred years later it's being all but run by a bald Frenchman, and has scored with more women than Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain combined. By contrast, the toughest opponent Solo has ever defeated have been stormtroopers, he managed to get himself captured in every movie (including one memorable incident where he was captured by Ewoks and another where he had to be rescued by the same), and needed three movies to score with a single woman when the only competition for her was her brother.
Flickr user Marcello Poletti posted a set of stills from Star Trek (the original series) featuring the beautiful women of the series. There are 81 photos so far. (via Dump Trumpet)
How Star Trek handled the idea of gay relationships. Fan fiction, on the other hand, just jumped right in.
William Shatner talks about being Captain Kirk, and tells some stories you haven’t heard before.
Captain Kirk’s Bulging Trousers.
Star Trek Sex
You’ll find a couple more compilations full of innuendo and double entendres here. Possibly NSFW.
Captain Kirk on Women
(via Memory Alpha)
"You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman." (TOS: "The Enemy Within")
"When I get my hands on the headquarters genius who gave me a female yeoman..." (TOS: "The Corbomite Maneuver")
"Uh, there are things you can do with a lady, uh, Charlie, that you... Uh, there's no right way to hit a woman. I mean, man to man is one thing, but, um, man and woman, uh, it's, ah... is, uh... Well, it's, ah, another thing. Do you understand?" (TOS: "Charlie X")
"Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman... always remains a woman." (TOS: "The Conscience of the King")
"You'll learn something about men and women... the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call... love. You'll like that too. A lot." (TOS: "The Apple")
"Mr. Spock, on your planet the women are logical. Yours is the only planet in the universe that can make that claim." (TOS: "Elaan of Troyius")
The Top 15 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines
15. "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
14. "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
13. "Nice Asimov."
12. "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
11. "W-w-w-w-w-wo-would y-y-y-y-you g-g-g-g-go o-o-out w-w-w-w... ah, screw it."
10. "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
9. "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
8. "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom's place and watch 'Dr. Who'?"
7. "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!"
6. "I'm the droid you're looking for."
5. "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
4. "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
3. "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
2. "I sense something... a presence I've not felt since I saw you bend over the registration table."
1. "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"
Previously at Miss Cellania: more Star Trek posts.
Thought for today: Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman. -Captain James T. Kirk
Hey! I got through this entire post without mentioning the Captain's Log!
humor jokes video funny games Star Trek Enterprise Kirk Spock