There’s (almost) nothing worse than a bad marriage -when you’re in it, itching to get out. People stay in bad marriages because 1. they stick to their vows, B. for the kids, and 3. fear. I don’t understand the fear. There’s fear of poverty, although I can tell you from experience that poverty is not as bad as the fear of poverty. There’s fear of loneliness, and I’ll tell you from experience that as bad as loneliness is, it beats being miserable. OK, that’s enough serious stuff. Good marriages have plenty of opportunity for comedy, but bad marriages have even more.



Sexual Communication

Here’s a husband you don’t want. Too bad so many women already have him. (Thanks, Jan!)

This study found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%. Is it any wonder that smart women are dying their hair blond?

Some folks stay together because they are afraid they can’t do any better.

To the guy doing my wife.

marriedtothesea.com

 

SHORTIES

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" 

THE ROBBERY

(Thanks, Rich!)
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers "yes".

The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

FOURTH MARRIAGE

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
A woman announces to her best friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful," the friend intones. "But I hope you don't mind my asking, what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Well, what happened to your second husband?"

"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how terrible. I'm almost afraid to ask about the third husband."

"He died of a broken neck?"

A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Marriage, Mars and Venus: Marriage, Mars and Venus: Living Together, Cheating, Divorce, and Divorce or Murder?

Thought for today: I still miss my "EX" but my aim is improving.

PS: If you came here looking for something on April Fool's Day, just click the link!

humor jokes video funny games marriage relationship divorce husband wife spouse

Yeah, yeah, I know... I posted about Chocolate Candy on Friday, The Pillsbury Doughboy  yesterday, and more food today. Hey, what else is left that’s so pleasurable? I gave up rollerblading a few months ago when I fell and scared the daylights out of my youngest daughter. I gave up shopping when... long ago. I gave up movies and TV when I became self-employed and had to work all the time. I gave up books when my eyesight went to hell. I gave up men when my supply ran out. But food is still good. Not that I’ve taken up cooking again or anything, but a nice ham and cheese sandwich on rye with mustard brings a smile to my face! And so does pizza, Hunan pork, Mom’s spaghetti sauce, crockpot chili, and a bite of chocolate for dessert.



Food Fight

The history of 20th century warfare, in food form. To keep the characters straight, go here.

Seven strange and wonderful dishes. Hey, if two foods are good, wouldn't they always be good together?

Food that looks like what it isn’t. An entree of waffles, then spaghetti, meatloaf, and hot dogs for dessert! (via Grow-A-Brain)

Chef Tattoos. (via Everlasting Blort)

Fun with Food.

The 20 Worst Foods in America. This ranking is based on their impact on your health; no doubt they taste pretty good.

What happens when you cook with bacon grease.

I love noodles!  (via b3ta)

Seven Deadly Delicacies. Food that can kill you.

8 (More) Disturbing Delicacies.

Advertising Vs Reality - A Product Comparison Project. You know the food you get is not going to look like the picture on the package, but it’s disturbing to see so many comparisons together.

A Pickle Sickle is just what you might think from the name -frozen pickle juice in a popsicle! Have you ever tried one? (via Slashfood)

Candy is becoming a bit different. Now you can get lollipops in Bacon and Absinthe flavors.

Tasty and difficult fruit. This graph sparked a bit of controversy, and inspired another graph that asks your opinion on fruit.

Cheeseburger in a can? What does it taste like?

What is the manliest manly dish you could serve for Superbowl Sunday? Carl served a Baconpig, a hotdog wrapped in ground pork wrapped in bacon. In a pig shape.

FLOUR AND WATER

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?

You know darned well where it went! That's what makes cake stick to your butt. Ho ho har de har har.

THE EATING CONTEST

(via Phil’s Phun)
In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition [tench are small fish like sardines].

The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.

Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven.

The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine - so Hix was crowned world champion.

The headline?

One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench.

NOT YOUR MAMA’S CHILI

(Thanks, Rich!)
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Toast for Breakfast

Previously at Miss Cellania: lots more posts on Food.

Thought for today: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

humor jokes video funny games food eating meals cooking chef

When this post first came out, I was in the middle of switching this blog to a new host. I had also lost my job only a few days before (hard to believe that's been almost two years). I had no idea how it became as popular as it did, since I didn't know much about tracking at the time, and I was pretty busy besides. But it makes sense. We love these little adorable advertising icons... for a little while. With much repetition, they become annoying. It works for the advertiser. After all, we all know what company the Pillsbury Doughboy pushes, even if we forget his name is Poppin'Fresh. Like all cutesie characters, he's so much more fun when he gets embarrassed, punished, or put in situations you wouldn't expect. Republishing this post will probably cause it to lose its prominent position in Google search, but some of this stuff is funny enough to take another look. Especially since most folks who come here now weren't around two years ago.

 

Who’s to Blame?

I was shocked to find that the Pillsbury Doughboy was kidnapped! Luckily, the story has a happy ending. But this is not the first time it has happened!

Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped

By John Breneman

In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy from the heavily guarded Pop "n" Fresh compound in Crescent City, California.

No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy, the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.

The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads -- including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.

According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough, other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and the nearby heist of an armored Brink's truck filled with dough.

The only witness to the abduction was one of the Doughboy's bodyguards, who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched squeals of "Hoo, hoo!" coming from inside the vehicle.

Poke the the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Its even more fun to poke him here.

The Dancing Doughboy.

Make your own Doughboy Dance and sent it to your friends.

Sue Seibel sells anything and everything to do with the Pillsbury Doughboy!

His fan club.

When you are a big star, there are always outtakes circulating. And more here.

There was that one really embarassing moment caught on tape.

OBITUARY

(Thanks, Eva!)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and described Doughboy lovingly as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Thought for today: Nothing says lovin like somethin from the oven.

This post originally appeared on May 10, 2006.

humor jokes video funny Pillsbury doughboy Pop-N-Fresh advertising

Alex at Neatorama saw my Tech Woes post, and posted it there to ask for suggestions. I got a huge response, and I’m still working my way through the tips. Honestly, I have been living with these computer problems for years, and I only wrote about them because I needed a post intro! But thanks, I appreciate them all. I have recovered Safari, but the typing is still slow. No doubt all the diagnostics people have told me about improved the system’s overall function. The family survived spring break, with the help of relatives who are willing to babysit, although I did have trouble with deadlines on the net. We didn’t do much cleaning -just straightening up the house, although we did get the pond cleaned and stocked. I have twenty new little fishes! I just hope they last a while.



BigDog Beta

Admit it, when you first saw Boston Dynamics’ BigDog robot, you thought the same thing.

This little robot scans the area to find a surface it can drum on! Can you say “adorable”?

The Ten Most Historically Inaccurate Movies. Hollywood never lets the facts get in the way of a good yarn.

You know someone just like this guy. Like the Guy Manual says, don't ever admit guilt, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Six March Madness Tournaments (without basketball)! Totally online and sports-free. 

You may be tired of Linerider videos by now, but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen Transcendental. With 126,000 lines, it runs as smoothly as silk.

The early days of Saturday morning cartoons were experimental and therefore delightful. Take a video look back at the years 1960-1964.

A 1995 Newsweek editorial dismisses the internet as a “cacophony” that resembles CB radio. How many wrong predictions can you count in this article?

The Top Ten Jackie Chan Stunts. This makes me hurt just watching it.

CHURCH SERVICE

The shapely topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her working clothes, but was stopped at the door by the priest. "Miss," he said, "you can't go in like that."

"But, Father," protested the churchgoer, "I have a divine right."

"Aye, and your left isn't bad, either," the man of the cloth responded, "but you still can't enter the church without proper attire."

 

The stories of nine disabled people who did exactly what they were not supposed to be able to do.

Virtual Sand. (via Bits and Pieces)

Hello, I am Mr. Google.

Seven Mysterious Disappearances. Read what happened plus the wild speculations of what might have happened to these people who were never seen again.

The 5 Most Ridiculously Over-Hyped Health Scares of All Time.

The Weirdest News Stories of the Week.

Tech Support

(Thanks, Rich!)
Cust : "I'd like to complain about the screensaver on my computer."

Tech : "What seems to be the problem?"

Cust : "It doesn't work."

Tech : "Ok. What's on your screen now?"

Cust : "Nothing. It's broken."

Tech : "Broken?"

Cust : "Yes. The screensaver didn't work."

Tech : "Of course it wouldn't work if your monitor screen is broken."

Cust : "Look! We had a break in at our house. They vandalized the place and smashed the screen with something."

Tech : "I'm sorry you were broken into, sir, but a screensaver won't work on a broken screen."

Cust : Angry now, "If the screensaver did what it's supposed to do, then my screen would not have broken. When they hit it, it didn't save my screen."

PMS Survival Tips (Thanks, Suzanne!)

Thought for today: The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

humor jokes video funny games