Beware opening any doors, boxes, or attachments today! If a news story looks a little strange, its possibly not true. Be aware that when you turn a corner, you may see things that aren't right. Take a small dose of cynicism before you answer the phone. And keep your shoes tied!

April first is a day you have to give a pass on lying. You don't HAVE to, but people are going to lie to you one way or another today. My kids will tell me the awfulest tales and expect me to fall for it. It really doesn't matter if I do or if I don't; they will laugh laugh laugh at themselves and their "cleverness", whether its funny or not.

 
The History and Origins of April Fool's Day.

Wikipedia lists  April Fools Day hoaxes from last year.

100 greatest April Fools pranks of all time.

Ten April Fool’s Pranks That Bombed.

Prank Place, where you can buy gags.

The Prank Institute has some April Fool's Day suggestions.

Wired News posted their list of the Ten Best Internet Spoofs.

One of my favorites from last year, UN votes to Shut Down the Internet.

Send your friends a link to the Ultimate Personality Test, perfect for April Fools Day!

For the second year in a row, Thad's friends planned a prank to make him think he won the lottery. They taped a previous night's lottery drawing and then bought a lottery ticket to match those winning numbers. They had him buy his own lottery tickets, then they swapped it out with the fake ticket. They played the pre-recorded drawing as Thad checked his numbers. If you ever wanted to know what it feels like to win the lottery, this gives you a pretty good idea... Not safe for work or kids due to audio.

There's even a tribute song about the episode, We F'in Won. Priceless.

A whole bunch of wonderful pranks from Improv Everywhere.

Thing in a jar.

Why you shouldn't send sabotage links.

Demented Pixie's April Fools pranks for 2005. And for 2006.

The first of April, some do say,
Is set apart for All Fool's Day.
But why the people call it so
Nor I nor they themselves do know.
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.

Thought for today: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

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We are getting up into Spring, aren't we? Time flies when you're not paying attention! The most popular post in March was Bad Jobs, mainly due to StumbleUpon, which I really appreciate (and you should all join, so you can "stumble" me every day). Squirrels Gone Bad  was a close second. Male Anatomy would've done better if I had just named the post Penis. Other than that, it was just busy busy busy at this site and others. I applied for some jobs, potted up my tomato plants, and generally stayed awake all the time. I'm going to have to get a real job to achieve any downtime at all! Here are some memorable links from March.

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Is it a sin to tell a lie? Some say yes, others say not always. And that’s just the Christians; there are philosophies all over the spectrum.  The truth (haha) is that everyone lies. A lot of lying makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. A white lie is designed to spare someone’s feelings. Its better to lie about having to visit Grandma than to truthfully admit you don’t want to go to your classmate’s stupid party. There’s no good to come of telling a co-worker her new hair color honestly sucks.

Maybe the real judgement on lying is who gets hurt by a lie. Bill Clinton (and you knew this would come up) lied when he said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And it hurt one person. Monica Lewinsky’s feelings were really hurt by that. It was a lie, but not quite on par with, say, creative auditing that embezzled millions of dollars and ruined the pensions of thousands of low-level employees. Or manipulating facts to justify a pre-emptive war. I’m just sayin’.

People for the Advancement of White Lies is a marketing site for the new Richard Gere Movie, The Hoax. You remember Clifford Irving, who wrote Howard Hugh’s fake biography, don’t you? Gere plays him in the movie version. (Thanks, Chris!)

The Master of the Tall Tale: Baron Von Münchhausen.

The Master of the Hoax: P.T.Barnum.

Liar, Liar! Jules wrote about the men she meets. Here’s part one and part two.

How to tell when someone is lying to you. (via Look At This)

Ten Lies about Iraq.

Enough white lies to ice a wedding cake! Who is the best liar here?

Rodney Carrington tells it like it is. (via File It Under)

THE CONTEST

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

THE THIMBLE

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" 

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in
making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you   crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your  husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord  was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh,  forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had  said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with George Clooney.  Then  if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.  Had I then  said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.  Lord, I'm not in  the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,  so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the Lord let her keep  him.

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a  good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our  story, and we're sticking to it.

(Well, what would YOU have done?)

HEAVEN’S CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Girls Lie, Too -Terry Clark

Thought for today: A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

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About three years ago, I inherited six cases of beer. I don’t like the taste of beer, and I only drink on social occasions (which I don’t have), so why keep it? The plan was to use it for gifts, always a good tip for people (meaning men) who help out a family of females. As it turns out, those helpful volunteers never showed, so I have a bunch of beer I am told is too old to drink. There should be some way to recycle old beer, possibly to enrich the compost heap. Do you have any better ideas?

Eulogy for a Fallen Beer

The Beer Drinker’s Dictionary. (via Bits and Pieces)

The Top Ten Beer Myths.

32 Things You Can Do With Beer. (via J-Walk Blog)

The Beer Advocate.  

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk. You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all. And while you don’t like beer, prefering Southern Comfort, you like the feeling of being a little tipsy. You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is a little Miss Cellania!

The Washington Post is having their own version of March Madness called Beer Madness. Check out the brackets. (via I Quit for LIJIT)

Some Guiness World Records were discarded from the official version, due to fear of litigation. Because they don’t want people to try and break these records. You guessed it, they are drinking records.

Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof: How NOT to act if you are ever arrested for DUI. (via Gorilla Mask)

For further study, your professor of Beer Science is at UC Davis.

Opening a Beer with a Helicopter

Aussie Beer

(Thanks, Phil!)
 What is an Australian's favorite beverage ? .........Aussie BEER of course. Australian's love their Beer so much they have developed a glossary of affectionate terms to describe "the golden amber", "the liquid gold", " the cold gold" or the "amber refreshment".

If you're "having a few beers" you might drink it out of a can or glass. Cans of beer are most common in Australia and contain 375ml /12 oz. Cans may be referred to as "tinnies", "tubes" or "coldies". Small short (375ml) bottles are called "stubbies". Large "oil cans" like those sold with Fosters in the US are rare in Oz but "big bottles" holding 750 ml are an old favorite for taking to Aussie parties, barbecues and "pissups".

The place where "the blokes go to down a few" is at the "Pub" (Public House). Pubs are Hotels found in every town throughout Australia. The Pubs are owned by the Breweries and were originally designed to provide food, beverage and accommodation for weary overland travelers. Besides "Pub", Hotels are sometimes referred to as "the rubbity dub" (rhymes with Pub), "the Poison Shop" or "the Boozer"

Each Pub has separate areas for drinking such as the "Public Bar", the haven for the thirsty beer drinking workMAN to "belly up".(You won't win any friends if you take a lady into the Public Bar.) Social drinking especially with the ladies is done in the "Saloon or Lounge Bar" and many Pubs have "Beer Gardens" for outdoor drinking at tables.

Beer here is imbibed in glasses pulled from kegs. Beer is ordered in "Middy" sized glasses (285 ml or 10oz) or "Schooners" (425 ml or 15 oz). Rarely does one ask for a "Ponie" (150ml,5oz). If you do you run the risk of being called "a woos (rhymes with puss)", "a wowser" or "a piker" definitely not a MAN.

As for Beer Brands, in Sydney, Pubs serve mostly beer from Carlton United Breweries such as Fosters or the more popular Victoria Bitter "Vicky Bitter" or our favorite Reschs, and from Toohey's Brewery there's Toohey's New, Red and Old (dark) beer. Light Beer ("unleaded") is also available.

"A Shout" is a round of beers usually paid for by one member of the party. Each person takes turn "shouting a round of beers" paying for them at the time of delivery. (there is no divvying up a Bar Tab). Whatever you do don't risk the disgrace of being called "a Bludger" or worse if you don't shout a round when it's your turn. A few other pointers - Never insist on paying for all the rounds it's frowned upon, and never ever over Tip. (another topic) 

Too much beer may result in a drunk or inebriated condition. Many expressions refer to this condition such as "he's Chockers" (chock a block full), or "he's Elephants" (Elephants trunk,drunk). Other more mundane words include "loaded", "rotten","pissed","smashed", "stonkers", "stinko" "well under" or "zonked". Some of the more colorful expressions for being under the weather include "full as a goog","pissed as a parrot", "snakes hissed" or "shot full of holes". Under these conditions you might have to throw up. Common coloquial terms to describe this indignant act might include "chunder", "spew" or "yodel". Descriptive expressions include "a liquid laugh","a technicolor yawn" or "praying at the porcelain altar".

Of course we dont advocate overdrinking and just as  hefty penalties and fines are enforced if you "Drink and Drive "Well Under" Downunder".

So enjoy a few Beers at the "Rubbity", Club, Barbie or other social events with the "blokes and shelias" but remember don't over do it.

Drinking Time! (via Mental Floss) Stay with it; the second half is the good part.

Beer Bellies

1. Beer bellies are cool, and a good one will keep Snobbish girls from pestering you.

2. A good one can double as a TV tray for chips and beer  

3. It is a great way to meet cute Cardiologists.   

4. Beer bellies have a lot room for more tattoos when your arms and back are full.   

5. The belly button can store up to eight one dollar coins for the parking meter.

6. Big beer bellies make the best waves and splashes when you do belly flops in the pond.   

7. And with a big beer belly, there is more of to love.

The Beer Festival

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

 The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Beer and Beer Technique

Thought for today: Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

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