There appears to be a pattern developing here. After Bad Parenting on Monday, and Bad Sex on Tuesday, how could I not follow that with Bad Science? Not all of todays links are bad, and not all of the science is bad, but there’s enough bad science to justify the title. The bad stuff is funny. What’s left is still interesting. I think. Correct me if I’m wrong. No, don’t bother. I’m just about tired of being corrected on every other site I write for. The regulars here expect me to screw up on a regular basis. And I appreciate your patience, honestly! Anyway, enjoy this cockeyed look at science.

 
Susannah Clary asks participants in the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair about the craziest experiment they’ve ever done.  (via Intelisef)

Learn the answers to these basic science questions, so you will not appear as dumb as these smart people.

Darwinian Pickup Lines.

Thagomizer: Dinosaur part named for a Far Side comic.

Dinosaurs and Their Biscuits. This is a site devoted to 'dinosaurs and their biscuits'. Every good vertebrate palaeontologist today knows that dinosaurs had a taste for biscuits. In fact, 100% of the dinosaur diet was biscuits. As a challenge to palaeontological dogma this may at first sound amazing, but the evidence is undeniable as shall soon be revealed.

The Goof Gallery is a section of Strange Science that chronicles mistakes made by early naturalists when trying to describe or illustrate species without the aid of photographs or first-hand evidence. (via the Presurfer)

Bad Science often taught in schools.

The Large Hardon Collider.

The Union of Concerned Scientists has published The A to Z Guide to Political Interference in Science. You can view the list alphabetcally, by issue area, by timeline, or by agency. You can also locate each listed issue by finding it on their interactive periodic table. Although there’s a lot of material, the issues only go back as far as 2002. (via Cynical-C)

And now a couple of good science links. The Earth Guide from the Japan Science and Technology Agency is a beautiful infographic that answers science and geography questions such as “Where does the sky become space?” and How is the Earth different from other planets?” You’ll learn a lot more on the way to the answers! (via Dump Trumpet)

Maps of Science. Richard Klavans and Kevin Boyack mapped different scientific disciplines to show their relationships with each other, and where the research is being done. You can find what disciplines are studied by geographical location, industries, institutions, or topics. They analyzed 1.6 million scientific articles to contruct the maps! For example: the map on the left represents all the disciplines; the map on the right shows that in Boston, research is primarily in the medical field (red). More information here. (via Metafilter)

 

 

 

 

THE GEOLOGIST

(Thanks, Phil!)
A geologist walks up to a river and says, "I feel very strongly that your bottom is composed of dirt, silt, small rocks, bits of dead animals, and other particulate inorganic matter."

The river replied, “Those are my sediments exactly.”

THE GRANT PROPOSAL

A wildlife biology grad student was writing a proposal to get some funding for a mongoose research project. He sat at his computer and typed:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongooses...."

Wait, he thought, that doesn't sound right. So, he backspaced and began again:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongeese...."

Still again, he thought, that just doesn't sound right. He backspaced again, and after thinking for several minutes, he began to type:

"I will attach a radio collar to an adult mongoose. Immediately after the first is attached, I will attach a second collar to another mongoose..."

LIGHT BULBS

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines...

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

How many fractal mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but, good grief! I let him into the house to start working on the bulb, and by the time I got back later that day, the single 110V bulb had changed into a 6 level chandelier, with each level a smaller replica of the previous level...my energy bills are going to kill me!

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends on the room size--you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the 'old' bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly 'congealed' bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY required one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes ten years.

Thought for today: I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.  -Bugs Bunny

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All I do is blink my eyes and there is a huge file of funny links about sex piling up on me. Not that I set out to find such things, oh no, but gravitate towards me. I threw out half of what I’ve collected on the subject, so today you are only getting the better half, so to speak. That doesn’t ensure quality, but its the best I can do while I’m running late on everything else. Considering the subject, you can’t complaim too much. You know what they say, sex is like pizza. When its good, its fantastic; when its bad, its still pretty good.

 
The danger of Cybersex

The worst sex you’ve ever had. Stories submitted to b3ta, so you are warned that it is quite disgusting and may be disturbing.

A couple months ago, I linked the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Here in the Literary Review, we have some actual bad sex passages! (via Dump Trumpet)

More sex is safer sex?

Restore your virginity online with reVirginizer!

How to organize your sex toys. 

Joujou Rated R Lollipop. (via Arbroath)

When women get together and talk about sex... (explicit)

Beach blowjob. (Thanks, Carl!)

MUGGING

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

The Orgasmic Calculator. (via Mohawk Campfire)

Whale Fantasy.

Book Review: the Sex Manual for Puritans.

The Erotic Coloring Book.

A crash course on how to eat a banana.

Five shocking stats about men and sex. I don’t know if “shocking” is the right word, but you might be surprised.

 

 

Chat Room Sex

(via Holtie’s House)
I come back from vacation and look at this newsgroup and I still see the same ol' stuff. So it's time to lighten up! I'll try to help.

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night!

I was on Prodigy and I went to this Chat room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was.
Something like, "Horney and Bald", or something like that.

OK so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "what's everyone wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a nap, I choose the nap.

Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything. But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all. Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was saying things to myself like, "oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh jesus you're the chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good I said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it. I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive asshole, I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to make a long story short I told myself "F off you Cyber Slut", and I disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

P.S. Anybody want some slightly worn bratwurst?

Thought for today:   It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Let me start this off by admitting I’m a bad parent myself. Every day I try to figure out where the line is between protecting my children and forcing them to grow up, between goofing off and setting a bad example, between spoiling them and being good to them. I’m constantly erring on one side or the other, but I only find out when it’s too late. How can you be a perfect parent? By the time you figure out how to do it, it’s already done. Somehow most kids manage to grow up anyway. The mistakes we make along the way may be good for a few laughs, if nothing else.

 
KidStoned

Peyton Manning for the United Way. (Thanks, Jan!)

A baby is playing with a cobra, and the adults are giggling about it! It’s a family of snake charmers, and the cobra is defanged, but still... I’ve heard snakes can grow their fangs back.  (via Arbroath)

Bad Parenting Penguin video. (via Theater of the Absurd)

Child Mullets. (via Arbroath)

Strange Celebrity Baby Names. (Thanks, Barbara!)

If bad parenting is a crime, this guy is a crimefighting superhero.

Tube Attack! 

Nominations for Parents of the Year.

11 Celebs Who Shouldn’t Have Any (More) Children. (via Look at This)

Parents manage their daughter’s porn career. This is seriously bad.

DISCIPLINE

(Thanks, Evajane!)
Most of America 's population think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I took a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. 

AT THE BROTHEL

(Thanks, Rich!)
Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.

Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.”

Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"

Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.

"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.

Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.

"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.

"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"

Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"

Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"

To end this on a serious note, Father and Daughter is a beautiful but sad short film by Dutch animator Michael Dudok de Wit.  (via PAgent’s Progress)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Bad Parenting

Thought for today: No matter what the critics say, it's hard to believe that a television program which keeps four children quiet for an hour can be all bad. - Beryl Pfizer

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Remember way back, when The Wizard of Oz was shown on TV once a year? I believe it was in the fall. The next day at school, we would all be discussing what the best parts were. And somebody would mention the part where the movie starts to be in color. I didn�t know what point that would be, because it was black and white all the way through on my TV! Which explains why I didn't see the humor in the "horse of a different color" joke until I became an adult. My children can't fathom a world where you had to wait a year to see a movie. I say it builds character!

Apocalypse Oz is just what it sounds like, a feature film mashup of Apocalypse Now and The Wizard of Oz. A young Amerasian woman escapes her dull existence in Kansas by going on a mission to find and eliminate her father. More here.


SONG PARODY
Wizard of Oz characters gone bad, written by wdh.

SCARECROW:
I would sneak into the showers
During the school's late hours
Hiliarium will reign
I'd put it on the potty
And then it would get all spotty
If I just had cellophane
They would then relieve upon it
Coming down like a comet
it won't go down the drain
The bathroom would start stinkin'
From all the stuff they're drinkin
If I just had cellophane

TIN-MAN:
When your butt is so unwilling
But you want to "send it spilling"
Your prank gets torn apart
I'd break the quiet tension
With some power gas ascension
If I only had to fart
While it'd be detrimental
It would sound so instrumental
It'd be a true piece of art
I would let out all my chili
It'd be funny- really, really
If I only had to fart

LION:
Yeah, it's fun, believe me missy,
When you get to beat up sissies
Who like to study birds
I like to show off my power
While the little pipsqueak cowers
I want to beat up the nerd
The pain I'll start applyin'
While the twerp starts dyin'
Destruction is the word
After I beat his face in
His glasses will need replacin
I want to beat up the nerd

The similarities between Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz are pretty apparent. Here’s the video mashup, The Wizard, Oz.

I’m sure you’ve heard of The Dark Side of the Rainbow. That’s where you start the movie and play the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon at the same time. At least it was doable with VHS and an LP (some of you may have to look those things up). You can see the effect in this video of the first “play through” of the album with the first 42 minutes of the movie. If you don’t want to take the time, you can see selected clips of the creepiest sync-ups at Rolling Stone Magazine.

The Wizard meets Goodfellas in this parody script.

Collection of Wizard of Oz comics.

You’ll get a kick out of this 1971 version from Turkey.

IF THE WIZARD OF OZ WERE REMADE TODAY
there would likely be some changes...
10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi
9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch
5. It would be named "Twister II"
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed
3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.
2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh fu**!"
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"

LINKS FOR OZ FANS

Wizard of Oz website.
International Wizard of Oz Fan Club.
A fansite with lots of links.
Oz fans in costume.

Yep, there's no telling what you'll find on the web when you just wander around. I found a battle between two movie: The Wizard of Oz vs. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "A heated argument broke out at the D&D tournament between Glinda the Good Witch of the North and Tim the Enchanter. It eventually escalated into a high stakes wager - the loser is barred from competition for life, turned into a newt and flattened by a farm house." See how Dorothy and her friends fare against King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

POLITICAL OZ

The Wizard of Oil, the US involvement in the Middle East plus The Wizard of Oz. Not to be missed.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1910)

Thought for today: Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

This post first appeared on February 13th, 2006.

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