Happy New Year, everyone! January first, 2008 is as good a time as any to make a brand new start. New plans, new opportunities, new attitude, whatever, the time is right to start making your dreams come true. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that we are all responsible for our own happiness. And if there’s two things I’ve learned, it’s that you are about as happy as you decide you’re gonna be. And if there’s three things I’ve learned in life, it’s that you never get your house repaired by the lowest bidder. But that’s enough wisdom for now... there’s a whole new year ahead to fill with time wasters, funny stories, and various and sundry amusements. So let’s get started!  



In 2007 (via YesButNoButYes)

6 New Year Traditions from Around the World.

Pole dancing! The Seven Deadly Sinners have a collection of New Year’s images of drunks dancing with lamp posts.

A Few Leftover Lists from 2007

2007: The Year in Cats.

Fark Headline of the Year contest. Then there are headline contests for entertainment,  sports, weird stories, and the best puns.

Co-Ed Magazine posted their Top 25 Sexiest Female Athletes of 2007. You can vote on your favorite!

Vote for the Sexiest Geeks of 2007.

The Ten Worst Movies of 2007.

Idiot of the Year Awards. (via Bits and Pieces)

Transbuddha’s Game of the Year, and a game for each month.

Reuters’ Top Ten Weird Stories of 2007.

Top Baby Names of 2007.

Now on to 2008!

2008 Sucks button available here for $1.99. (via the Presurfer)

2008 Web Predictions. They think a lot of company trading will happen. Like always.

7 Technologies that will Save the Earth in 2008. If these can be made affordable, people will line up to use them.

Bloggers have prediction for 2008, too. Here are J-Walk’s predictions for 2008. Wendell Witt weighs in again. Wulfweard the White tries his hand at predictions. And Frogster, too!

New Year’s Jokes

Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's?
He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s
***
Carl's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.  During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. 

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
'You know,' he confided to Carl, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'  

He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
***
Sally was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to George, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered George smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, George approached Sally and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: The Meaning of Dreams.

Check out this New Year card I got from Curious Expeditions! --->

News Predictions for 2008

January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping. 

March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second “Transformers” film without a script, just like they did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, “It worked before.”

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from “Army Strong” to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Civil War.” 

June: Population experts will warn that the world’s population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name “Delicious Cupcakes.”

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, “I can’t even remember what I did last night.”

September: At the Republican National Convention, G.O.P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate. 

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five- billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, “Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country.”

December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops – through Iran.

Same Old Lang Syne -Dan Folgelberg

Blog Blonde tagged me for a meme. Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words : family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like. That’s a hard one, since I don’t post about such things, but here I go:
Family  Playhouse (‘cause it was for my kids)
Friend Boys Gone Wild (a gift from my bud April)
Myself  Sex and the Single Blogger (yeah, right)
My Love  Chocolate, Coffee, Chocolate and Coffee, Coffee and Chocolate (I couldn’t make up my mind)
Anything  Monty Python (what did you expect? The Spanish Inquisition?)
If you like this meme, consider yourself tagged.

Previously at Miss Cellania: New Years Day 2007

Thought for today: Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.  ~Benjamin Franklin Thanks, Ben, maybe I’ll find him this year!

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There will be no New Year parties for me this year! I went to a party last year. It was the first party I'd been to in quite a few years (excepting the kids' birthdays). I was the only guest there. The host couple had invited everyone they knew, but no one showed up. Several times during the night, the dog would bark, and the hostess would say "Someone's here!" But after checking, she would say it must be the fireworks that made him bark. Yeah. I still suspect there were several folks who drove up, saw my vehicle, and left. Anyway, the three of us had a good time (what I can remember of it). But I wouldn't jinx anyone's party this year, even if anyone HAD invited me!

No, this New Year's Eve, I will be surfing the net, sipping coffee and Comfort, watching fireworks on TV, and giving my sleeping kids a kiss. What are YOU doing this evening?

I got a great New Year greeting, one worth passing on to all of you. Perfect music for the occassion, too. (Thanks, Wendy!)

HOLIDAY LINKS
Watch the ball drop on the Times Square Webcam.
Easy New Year jigsaw puzzle for kids.
New Year fireworks video from the Eiffel Tower.
Great fireworks at the World Pyro Olympics. Check the gallery for available video.
Shooting guns into the air to celebrate.
Let Yoda keep you informed of the time.
Wikipedia list of calendars.
New Years eCards.
New Year greeting featuring cows.
Groovin Granny greeting.
Traditional food and Party Tips.




Plan ahead! If you are going to drink this New Year's Eve, then either stay at home, sleep it off at your host's home, walk home, or take a designated driver, like this cowboy did.

THE EVOLUTION OF RESOLUTIONS

RESOLUTION #1:
2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read 5 books a year.
2003: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2004: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2005: I will read at least one article this year.
2006: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:
2000: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2004: I will work out 5 days a week.
2005: I will work out 3 days a week.
2006: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:
2000: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2002: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2004.
2004: I will be totally out of debt by 2005.
2005: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2006.
2006: I will try to be out of the country by 2007.

RESOLUTION #4:
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2004: I will not leave Marge.
2005: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2005: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:
2003: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2005: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:
2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2005: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:
2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:
2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Computer Nerd Resolutions

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.



Thought for today: Seems like this blog is one of the more positive things of 2007. I've had fun putting it together, I've learned a lot, and made quite a few friends. A big THANKS to all my sources, contributors, advisors, commenters, linkers, and readers! Happy New Year!

This post originally appeared on December 31st, 2005.

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You may be saying, "Miss Cellania, how could you be so cruel as to post about DIETING so soon after Christmas!" But we are all in the same boat (with lots of ballast). Yours truly is as guilty as the next person of overindulging in holiday treats. Too much gravy, too many chocolate-covered cherries, and a few eggnog toasts will broaden your horizons, so to speak. And don't you want to fit into that fancy dress for New Years? Fat chance! But we gotta start somewhere. Bikini season is only 6 months away!

Running Machine

HOW IT ALL STARTED
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Quiz: What kind of donut are you? (via Geek Like Me)

What Kind Of Donut Are You! Powdered Donut Filled with blueberry, cherry, or lemon jelly, or just plain. Did you use to wet your lips and pretend you had powdered lipstick when you were little? Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

 
Nobody said it would be easy. But take a look at the alternative!

The Doctor Hate Diet is for those who want to harness the Dark Side of the Force for weight control.

The Hacker's Diet for geeks who might understand it.

This cartoon will help you learn to use a conveyor belt exercise machine.

Here's some diet tips you can really relate to.

Some folks can't see the need for a diet.

JOE'S DIETING JOKES

Did you say you lost 10 pounds? Turn around I think I found it.

I was on the South Beach diet and it just was not enough food for me, so I got on the Adkins diet. I feel good now, of course I never got off of the first diet. Two diets seem to be plenty for me.

I finally found a new diet that I can stick to. You just don't eat between snacks.

Is this thing on??...Hello... Can you hear me?

DIET TIPS

# If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
# If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
# When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
# Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
# Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
# Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
# If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
# If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
# Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
# STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Thought for today: A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

This post originally appeared on December 27th, 2005.

humor links diet weight loss

Christmas seemed to come and go in a twinkle this year, probably because I didn’t shop til the last minute. I have an entire blog post coming up about Princess’ gift from Santa. I planned Christmas dinner for four and eight showed up, but we still had plenty of food. And 2008 is coming up fast! A couple more notes:

*I’ve found a twin! Thanks to  Holtie’s House, I found Ms. Cellania!

*Thanks to Debbie Dolphin, who presented me with another award, this one called the Cool and Crazy award.

*YesButNoButYes is featuring polls to find out what you think is the best of 2007. You can vote on your favorite viral videos, TV shows, comic books, sports teams, and a poll on movies should be available soon There’s also a tournament-style poll on the “WTF Moment of 2007” with six brackets up so far (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6).

Singing Backwards

The first half of this video features a guy singing a song in reverse. He’s also doing some stuff that will look strange backwards. The second half is where you find out what song he is singing, when the video goes backwards! This performance must have taken a lot of practice. (via Boing Boing)

Twas the Day After Christmas. If there were (or have ever been) any toys or gadgets under your tree, you can relate to this.

Interactive Flash Physics. I know there’s an opportunity to learn things here, but I had so much fun slinging things around, the time just flew by!

The Most Expensive Drink at Starbucks. Billy Chasen challenges you to come up with an order that beats his $13.76 venti.

See the trailer and synopsis if the upcoming Pixar movie WALL-E. The title character looks like a cross between E.T. and Number Five!

Screamin’ Beans. (Thanks, Walter!)

Curious Expeditions has a rundown of several of history’s more interesting duels.

WOOF

A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Your daily does of cuteness: Baby Pandas Wrestling. They’re young, clumsy, and act just like brothers do.

Top Ten Worst Logos.

Some Useful Condescending Phrases.

It’s difficult to name a new product, and a condom is no exception. You want something that brings up an image of virility, liked Trojan, or appeals to male ego, like Maxim, right? Or you could cut right to a pun that’s destined to garner search engine hits. They named the condom Abstinence.

The best error page ever. It’s most likely more interesting that what you were looking for in the first place.

A boy and his dog. If this story doesn’t make you cry, I don’t know what will.

Interactive Flash Physics. I know there’s an opportunity to learn things here, but I had so much fun slinging things around, the time just flew by!

10 Signs of Intelligent Life at YouTube. They’ve done some serious homework to put this list together.

CASTRO’S ARMY

(via Phil’s Phun)
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,

"Secret Service!"

Remote Control Race (via Unique Daily)

Thought for today: It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

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