When I wasn’t paying any attention, a three-day weekend snuck up on me. Labor Day! I guess the summer is really over. That’s fine with me. I didn’t spend much time mowing, but I spent a lot of time watering the garden. I survived a trip to the beach with my mother-in-law, although the car repairs cost almost as much as the vacation. Now that it’s over, it seems like the summer just flew by. The kids are having their own yard sale and lemonade stand today at Grandma's house to raise money to buy my birthday gift (sniff). They'd never have this much iniative if I hadn't taken their allowances away for misbehavior.



Gangster Wiggles (via Fuzzytopia)

You have to watch this stunt man audition video. I was quite impressed, and it takes a lot to impress me these days.

A  third, and yet more dangerous homemade Slip’n Slide.

Crosswalk Prank. When you watch this, look for the cow and the chicken.

I’ll bet he can do it better than he can say it.

The first bloggers.

A list of species designations for Wile E. Coyote.

TOOTH EXTRACTION

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted.  The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't"  said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

Partial Face Transplants. Some very good Photoshop users made portraits by using the left side of one person’s face, and the right side of another. Cover half the face with your hand to recognize who it is. (via Dump Trumpet)

A long line of funny links about Miss South Carolina and her 15 minutes of internet fame.

Say What? mental_floss’ Nonsense Lyrics Quiz.

Ugly Jugs. It’s not what you think, you pervert!

Senator Larry Craig was arrested and pled guilty to public disturbance when he was caught soliciting in a mensroom. Then he made a public statement. Which was immediately remixed.

The evil eye of the Vampire Squid.

Durian is a hypnotically beautiful animation. Take five minutes and chill out to this. (via Miltant Platytpus)

WHICH PART

Thanks, Whitesnake!)

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,   "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

Thought for today: I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. -Mae West

humor jokes video funny games

People used to say that if you took a million monkeys and a million typewriters and gave them a million years, eventually someone would produce Shakespearian-quality writing. Then the internet came along, and we have millions of monkeys pounding away at millions of keyboards (myself included), and it hasn’t taken us a million years to figure out that it ain’t gonna happen. They are so like us, yet just enough different to make a monkey or an ape doing human things seem tremendously funny. I wonder if monkeys in the wild laugh at us! The title picture is from Animaux Humoristiques. (via Grow-A-Brain)



Chimpanzee hosting a talk show.

Monkey Kickoff. How far can YOU kick the ball?

Monkey vs. Toddler. Which should you invest in?

Ten Famous Monkeys in Science.

Look At This has a great collection of Monkey-ed Movies. You’ll enjoy these.

Monkeys steal drinks at a Carribean resort and get hammered.

Top 3 Moments in Monkey-peeing History. (warning: gross)

Even gorillas can be henpecked.

A chimp and his dog take the train. (via Japan Probe)

GORILLA EXTERMINATOR

A man woke up one morning, looked out the window, and saw a huge gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Feeling very nervous, he grabbed the phone book and looked up 'gorilla exterminators' in the Yellow Pages.

He called the exterminator, who said he would be right out. The exterminator arrived in a van, hopped out, and opened the door. He took out a large net, a shotgun, and a fierce-looking dog.

"OK", he said, "this is how it works, I climb the tree and shake it and the gorilla falls to the ground. The dog runs over and bites him in a vital spot. While he's disabled, you throw the net over him. I'll come down and we'll tie him up".

As the exterminator started up the tree, the man called, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The exterminator said, "Sometimes when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes it back and I fall out of the tree. If that happens ...... you shoot the dog".

A CHIMP WALKS INTO A BAR

A barman was astonished one day when a chimpanzee came into his bar ordered a beer and gave him a tenner.

Pretty smart thought the barman, but he'll have no idea of what money means and gives him a pound back in the change

"Don't get many chimps in here." says the barman conversationally (I mean, come on, what else would you say?)

"Not surprised" says the chimp quaffing his beer "at 9 pounds a pint it's no wonder."

Chimp walks dogs

Previously at Miss Cellania: Apes and Monkeys and Monkeys and Apes

Thought for today: An example from the monkey: the higher it climbs, the more you see of its behind.

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The signs are all around us, each competing for our limited attention. I recently saw a brand-new marquee in front of a church. It said “We asked God for a sign, and here it is!” My sister-in-law saw a sign that said “No skateboarding inside store” and it made her think about what must’ve happened to cause such a sign to be neccessary. Every weird sign has a story; we only see the end result. Like hearing a punchline without the setup. Sometimes you can reverse engineer the backstory, other times you just scratch your head. There’s liable to be some head scratching right here today!

 
Signs -5 Man Electrical Band

Strange signs (and other sights) in New Zealand. (via the Presurfer)

Chinese signs that attempt English. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Welcome to where?

Burma Shave poetry.

Stick figures in peril! Those little guys can't catch a break.

Dark Roasted Blend has posted another edition of weird signs. Check out the link to previous editions, also!

Neatorama now has an entire category for funny business names. 

SIGNS

(click to enlarge) 

SIGNAGE

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

Here’s Your Sign

Thought for today: I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Indeed, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. -Ogden Nash

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When I was employed in the media, I spent many years reading the news. I also spent a couple of years as a news director, which was totally different. Reading and/or recording the news takes a few minutes, finding the news is a job, especially in a sleepy little southern city. I was lucky that a big chunk of my news career spanned the 1988 elections. Our senator, Al Gore, was running for president. Former Governor Ray Blanton was trying to make a comeback by running for senate in my district. The rest of the candidates were almost as newsworthy. Those were good times. Lots of jokes. The stuff I couldn’t broadcast was so much better than what make it to air!



What We Call The News (via Erudite Redneck)

Journalism rules: Here are the secrets. As if you didn’t already know these.

Drew Curtis Says Being Informed is 95% Stupid.

How the news works. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Fox News is scaring our grandparents.

Sometimes, it's just a slow news day.  But you can still have breaking news!

When you are presenting a story about serial murder, be sure to put up some eye-catching graphic content.

The Hazards of Live Reporting, chapter 832. The Brits handle this sort of thing a little differently.

This is not professional at all. But it’s funny!

Great moments in journamalism. Watch the video, and listen for the “OMG, what have we done?” moment.

Watch this Russian broadcaster try to give a live financial report. What he says doesn’t matter. The guy behind him must have some pull at the station , to keep his job after this. (Thanks, Jan!)

Welcome to America. A journalist from England came to LA for a story and was arrested for not knowing she now needed a special visa. This is the way we treat visitors from allied nations these days.

Son of the victim

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Light Bulbs

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "We just report the facts, we don't change them."
B. Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.

The Fire

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Watch where you are going!

Previously at Miss Cellania: Journalism

Thought for today: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

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