You think when you graduate, that you are through with school and can get on with real life. Think again! I am now going through second and third grade all over again, as I try my best to drag my kids up to average grades. I can explain concepts all night, but I can't make them listen. I can supervise and scan homework, but I can't rewire their brains. I can set an example and create a work-friendly environment, but I can't inject a work ethic. Believe me, this is a LOT harder the second time around! So we may as well laugh about it.

Maddox fancies himself an art critic.. as he takes on your children's masterpieces!

Draw a kaleidoscope. This one's fun! Show the kids.

Virtual Sand Art. Much less messy than the real thing.

Could you pass eighth-grade science?

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Science Song Lyrics might help you pass eighth-grade science. Sing these and you'll remember your facts!

Ultra l33t Translator. Internet slang translator. English to kids text message translator. You might need these to find out what your kids are talking about.

Princess’ favorite websites include iCarly, Wedding Gown Games, and this virtual pet game.

Gothgrrl’s favorite websites include WebKinz, Retro Sabotage, and Blue Mountain.

PRE-SCHOOL TEST

Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"









Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" and "right."

V

V

V

Think about it ..

V

V

V

Still don't know?

V

V

V

Okay, I'll tell you.

V

V

V

The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."

Feel pretty silly now, don't you?
I know ... me, too.






Some kids are smarter than others... but not this one!




DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of thier life -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks-- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10

I gase at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotole and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15

When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I telll them to kill it anyway because I alread gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7

Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15

Thought for today: There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

This post first appeared on January 20th, 2006.

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In the media age, there’s a sort of one-upmanship involved in making your marriage proposal bigger, splashier, and more creative than anything anyone has ever seen before. This can be really nice, especially for those of us who just enjoy it vicariously, whether we know the participants or not. You saw quite of few of those on my previous post on Proposals. If you are the one proposing, you are putting yourself on the line for the entire world to see your humiliation if she says no. If you’re the woman surprised by an elaborate and public proposal, you might be truly touched, or you might want to sink into the floor from embarrassment. Or you might feel pressured into saying “yes” because of the audience when you really want to run for your life. Either way, the rest of us are going to enjoy the show, so keep those wacky proposal ideas coming!



Ted and Anna Get Engaged

The entire Scrubs cast and crew were in on the surprise.

5 Botched Marriage Proposals. Some things shouldn’t be so public. (via Look at This)

Elementary school proposal.

A planned proposal went awry when a man had the $6,000 engagement ring put into a helium balloon, then saw it blow away in the wind. (via Arbroath)

Back in 2002, Rob Malda, editor and founder of Slashdot, posted a marriage proposal to Kathleen Fent, on the front page.
(Thanks, Scott!)

Proposal in Zero Gravity. David asked Sarah to marry him as they were riding the vomit comet! (via Boing Boing)

The geekiest engagement ring ever! Jennifer Flume designed a USB Flash Drive Swarovski Crystal Engagement Ring. The idea is that two people can exchange information by connecting the rings (photos, messages, or other data). You can then transfer data to a PC with the aid of a USB necklace that accompanies the set. It’s a design concept not yet on the market.

I Can Haz Cheezburger hosted their first marriage proposal on Valentines Day. In a series of LOLcats, Jon popped the question to Loretta. It was later updated with more LOLcat images to verify that she did, indeed, accept. (via Geek Like Me)

ATHEIST

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?", her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell.", said the daughter.

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Jason wanted to stage a memorable proposal to his girlfriend Maui. He pulled it off, with the help of their favorite author, Neil Gaiman. Read the story and see the video.

Halo 3 marriage proposal. (via Neatorama)

Art gallery marriage proposal.

Oliver Thompson made arrangements with the staff at the Blackpool Zoo to set the stage for his proposal. During a zoo visit, his girlfriend Emma Morgan was surprised when a six-ton Asian elephant named Marcella delivered a ribbon to her, with a ring attached! The elephant was carrying an inexpensive version of the actual engagement ring, just in case it was swallowed. Oh, and Emma said yes.

Penguin proposal. Kinda like the elephant proposal, except... with penguins.

A marriage proposal disguised as a patent application.

Man Reprograms Bejeweled game to Propose to Girlfriend.

THE RING

(Thanks, Rich!)

"What's this I hear about your breaking off your engagement?" a mother asked her daughter. "The boy gave you a huge ring."

"Well, his diamond was of pretty good quality," the daughter answered, "but his mounting left a lot to be desired."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Proposals

Thought for today: Why does a man ask for a woman’s hand in marriage? Because he’s tired of using his own.

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Most of us have a few drinking stories in our past. Sometimes they are hard to recall the day after, but they come back to us little by little, either in our memories or in stories told by witnesses. It can be pretty embarrassing to hear your own adventures for the first time through the eyes of someone else. But we get over the shock and memorize the stories, even if we never gain any firsthand memories. We brag on them to some and hide them from others. Then when we have children, and we pretend they didn’t happen. Later, when the kids are grown, we try desperately to remember them well enough to tell them. Or we just try to relive the memories without the hangovers. You know the rule, everything in moderation. But moderation is often the first thing to go, after just one or two drinks.   



The Alcohol Philosophy Song

5 Drinking Stories That Put Yours To Shame.

The Drunkest Generation: 10 Reasons Your Grandpa Could Drink You Under the Table. Of course, they’re not referring to your grandpa, but the culture that made it seem like he could’ve. It’s a look back at the days when drunkenness was considered not only socially acceptable, but even entertaining!

Beer is good.

The epic story of how vodka became vodak at Fark. With pictures.

Liquor Store Archaeology. A scavenger hunt of sorts for the strangest drinks turns up peanut-flavored liqueur, Armenian brandy, and and even rarer finds.

Alcohol Horoscopes.

BARTENDER

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

LATE

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

SHOTS

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots? Are you celebrating something?"

“Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Party in the Stomach (via Man Law)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots more posts on Drinking.

Thought for today: Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough. -Mark Twain

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As some of you may have guessed, New York City fascinates me. I’ve traveled here and there (not as much as I’d like, but more than most people) but New York is the only place that made me want to move there. Being able to walk to a grocery or restaurant holds a lot of charm, but that’s just the beginning. The people come in more than one color. They aren’t all fat. Some are no doubt educated. It shouldn’t be that difficult to connect with people that have interests similar to mine (and to my kids). And don’t tell me about small town culture, because New York has plenty of that, it’s just that they have neighborhood cultures within a big town. But there’s a real problem, that pesky cost of living thing. They say jobs are plentiful, but that means there are plenty of jobs that pay little or nothing for flexible young people with no dependents who can work any shift plus overtime. Because there are plenty of people willing to work for nothing just to say they work in New York.      



PSA by David Lynch (via Seven Deadly Sinners)

New Yorkers live longer than other Americans. It's the walking, I'm sure.

The Broker. A cautionary tale that scares me to no end.

If you don’t like your apartment building, you can write a blog about it. I wonder if this will help him get out of his lease?

Real estate prices are falling all around the country. But not in Manhattan!

See pictures! Historical postcards of New York. Photographs of Manhattan 1964-1969. Arnold Pouteau’s photographs of New York at night. (via Grow-A-Brain) Eugene de Salignac was photographer for the New York City Department of Bridges/Plant and Structures from 1906 to 1934. (via Look at This)

Tips for tourists in New York City. More in the comments. Don’t take it too hard, here in hillbilly country, we feel the same way about tourists, “Welcome, spend your money fast and move along.”

New York etiquette guide.

Have I mentioned New Yorkers love tourists?

This hoodie has a New York City subway map imprinted on it... if you get lost, just follow your arm, or neck, or something. (via Dump Trumpet)

Blog of the Day: NYC Dives.

Perverted street names in Manhattan. (Thanks, Jan!)

Famous Fat Dave’s Five Borough Eating Tour. (via Look at This)

Virtual Lower East Side.

Explore the Secrets of New York.

Tugster: A waterblog. See New York from the perspective of New York Harbor.

The difference in New York City’s population during the day and night.

Henry Miller doesn’t have all that great of an opinion of New York.

CANNIBALS

So a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.

The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchmand cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you dumb shit!"

EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

These three guys managed to get to the top of the Empire State Building to show off the length of their manhoods.

The first one opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeew. Twenty stories. "Top that," he said.

The second opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew. Twenty-five stories. "Top that," he said.

The last guy opened his fly and let his out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeew. Down it went. Suddenly, he started to shift from side to side in jerky movements.

"What happened? Crabs got you?" asked one of the other guys?

"No. I'm dodging traffic!" he replied.

Holland Tunnel (via Grow-A-Brain)

The reports said there was a 35 minute backup in the Holland Tunnel. This guy made it through in less than five minutes -because he was on a bicycle! That’s not legal, but it’s fast.

Previously at Miss Cellania: New York City, New York, New York, Road Trip Report, and November 12 Links.

Thought for today: This is only the center of the universe, not the entire universe. -Jessica Liese

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