Right out of college, I moved in with a roommate who was deathly allergic to dogs and cats. I had spent my school years missing my pets, so I immediately went out and got two aquariums, one for fish, and the other for lizards. The joy of having pets again was short-lived, as I soon realized that you don’t get much out of petting a lizard. The roommate didn’t even like me to take them out of their terrarium. I never got very attached to the critters, so when someone expressed some interest in them, I very generously made them a gift. As soon as my roommate and I parted ways, she started getting allergy shots and adopted a ferret. Now I have a house, with more critters than I know what to do with, including a herd of blue-tailed skinks that I haven’t grown close to, either. I guess some things never change.

Flying Amphibians and Reptiles (via Ursi’s Blog)

Bullfrogs will eat anything. Without fangs or claws, they will manage to consume spiders, scorpions, rodents, and birds, just by opening their big mouths.

Homo Escapeons had a close encounter with a dragon after a few drinks at a cousin’s home.

Snake Blog: NMHerps.

Hurt -Kermit the Frog

Sad Kermit on MySpace.

THE LIZARD AND THE KOALA

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
A koala was sitting up in a gum tree, smoking a joint.

When a little Lizard walked past and looked up and said:

"Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"

The Koala says: "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little Lizard climbed up and sat next to the Koala and they burned a few. After awhile, the little Lizard says his mouth was "dry" and he was going to get a drink from the river. But the little Lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

 
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little Lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little Lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

 

The little Lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting, smoking a joint with the Koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.


The crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the Koala is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey, you!!"

So the Koala looks down at him and says:
"Holy shiiiiiite, dude!! How much water did you drink?"

 

 

SNAKE AND FROG

A man went fishing one day.

He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

 But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.

All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. 

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

ALLIGATOR SHOES

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own gator!" to which the shopkeeper replied,

"By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!"

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the good ole boys,' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Flip the Frog in Killing Floor

The story behind this video.

GATOR IN A BAR

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Frogs

Thought for today:  I've always liked reptiles. I used to see the universe as a mammoth snake, and I used to see all the people and objects, landscapes, as little pictures in the facets of their scales. I think peristaltic motion is the basic life movement. Swallowing. -Jim Morrison

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Someone in literature (I can't recall who) said April is the cruelest month. Not so! I've had some blessings to count this month. Two new paying web jobs came my way, so I can call myself a professional blogger, if there really is such a thing. I was nominated for a Best of Bloggers (BOB) award, and some of my friends won! I'm now soliciting votes for The Blogger's Choice Awards. You have to register to vote, but it only takes a minute, then you can vote for me for Best Humor Blog and vote for a lot of other fine blogs, too. You CAN vote for more than one blog in each category.  Marti tagged me with the Thinking Blogger Award, which was a sweet little ego boost. AND I have a new keyboard! My M, U, J, and 7 are back, and I SO appreciate them now!

BLOGGER NEWS

Congratulations to Jules at  Theater of the Absurd , who is now a college graduate! Congratulations to Dick of RV Travels with Huggy, who got married on Saturday. Hold some good thoughts for the Erudite Redneck, who is transitioning from Oklahoma to Colorado. And there is some bad news. Figlet, the first personal blog I ever followed, and the one that inspired me to start blogging, is closing up becase of a flame war in the comments that I didn't even get to read. I wish her the best. Freedom's Place looks like it may be on the way out, too. Please remember Astryngia in your prayers as she fights off cancer.

VIDEOS AND CARTOONS

Women Keep Your Virtue! (via Everlasting Blort)

The best short films I can recall from Night Flight. Sandy Bell misses the soldiers. Pong Gone Wrong. Supercool Winkytool.  Amazing wedding dances. Feedback for the professor. This tire knows where its going!  A strange little cartoon about alchemy. A Chink in the Armour.  The Ultimate Viral Video Compilation. Vagina Power. Star Trek Away Team. The Belt Flip. Disco Hitler.  Canine Musical Freestyle. Collection of bad sex education videos. UFO porn. Flashback time! BillGates vs. Steve Jobs.

 The Zimmers

WEBSITES AND ARTICLES

Matt Wiggins started a FaceBook group to convince his fiance to have a Star Wars wedding. If he gets 10,000 people to join, he gets stormtroopers for escorts. The Groom’s Guide to the Wedding. Armchair Cruisers. VW Beetle mods.  Absurdist humor. How I got stranded on a deserted island with Jean-Luc Picard! Michael Jackson’s robot designs. MapQuest directions to the clitoris.  Peep scenarios. The story behind the 4 minute one-take fight scene. 

Cute Little Cthulhu. Deep Fried Balls of Butter. “Son, we need t talk to you about condoms.”

GAMES, QUIZZES, and GENERATORS

Try this vision test. Bloons. National Geographic’s Sailing Simulator. How Sexy are You?  Sex Toy or Fishing Lure? The perfect CAPCHA test. Bowling Bunnies. Tropix. Kids Cold Orchestra. 

TOPICS

April 2 Links
April 7 Links
April 14 Links
April 21 Links
April 28 Links
April Fool
Art Class
Boat
Cars
Diet Management
Divorce or Murder?
Dogs and More Dogs
Fishing Trip
Georgia
He's Alive
Letters and Words
 Mars and Venus, Introduction
Oldsters
Pancakes for Breakfast
Parking Lot
Peeps, Easter Eggs, and Bunnies
Psychiatry
Science Class
Sex Advice
Star Trek: The Search for Sanity
Teachers
Tortoise and Hare
Wedding Weirdness
Women
Thought for today: It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too

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The common statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce. You cannot predict the future, but the chance for happiness is still worth the trouble. Better to take a flying leap and crash than to never get near the edge. Still, those are not your only choices. You can and should proceed with caution. I believe it was St. Paul who said “It is better to marry than to burn.” I should add here, it is better to divorce than to murder. Yes, the end of a brightly-burning love affair can be tragic when it happens to you. When it happens to others, it can be just plain funny. I don't mean either divorce or murder is funny, but the ingenuity of those who want to get back at the one who done him/her wrong can be hilarious.

 

 

 

Signs that your spouse is trying to kill you (Worth 1000).

A collection of revenge stories from Payback.com.

Top 10 Breakups From Hell from Revengelady.com

 

The Letters

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"

My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich & Free!

 

THE SETTLEMENT

As part of the divorce settlement, she got the trailer and the truck too. He delivered the truck, as per the judge's order, yesterday. More pictures here. (Thanks, Joe!)

The Liscence

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

(Thanks, April!)

The Rabbi

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

The Revenge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
Misscellania Definition Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Mars and Venus: The Breakup

Thought for today: "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

This post first appeared December 7, 2005. 

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This past week, Princess turned ten years old. Where does the time go? This also made me realize its been almost a year since I’ve been on the air. How long before I stop calling myself a disc jockey?  And it’s been six months since I’ve been out with a man. I feel like maybe I’m getting old. They say life is like toilet paper... it goes faster toward the end. Not that I’m getting near the end; I still say life begins at forty. But I say that because its getting hard to remember anything that happened before that!

ROFLMAO! (via Fuzzytopia)

Did you hear the one about the Japanese actress who bought a sheep and thought it was a poodle?

Spiderman, the Musical!

Cute Little Cthulhu.

Dave Praeger of The Poop Report has a new book, Poop Culture, How America is Shaped by its Grossest National Product.

Eleven Sunburn Photos and One Piece of Art. (NSFW)

Devil Bunny.

Saturday Morning Campaign 2008.

Comment thread of the week.

Can’t Sleep? Read this and you’ll lie awake at night worrying why.

Rob at Cockeyed.com made these Devo hats for a Guitar Hero party, and posted step-by-step instructions.  (via Everlasting Blort)

This Russian site has eerily beautiful artwork designed from skeletal imagery. (via All Night Surfing)

The best short films I can recall from Night Flight.

ORIGINS

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for  200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grumpy around here."

It’s Raining 300 Men

Great eBay feedback.  Most folks don’t read these things, but should! (Thanks, Jan!)

Google Web History.

Homeless. Australian documentary director Trevor Graham filmed a day in the life of a homeless person in each of six cities: Sydney, New York, Delhi, Tokyo, Jakarta, and London. The resulting stories are broken into many parts (which you can select individually). You may be surprised at the many ways people can find themselves without a home. 

War is hell on the homefront, too. This music video is nothing like what you thought it would be.

Pong Gone Wrong. (Thanks, Bill!)

Best liscence plate ever.

Slideshow of celebrities who have appeared on Sesame Street.

Supercool Winkytool.  

SICK

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my father-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my mother-in-law. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm boinking her."

The boss says, "You boink your mother-in-law?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Thought for today: Hooters announced it's opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I'm concerned, Hooters is the holy land." -Conan O'Brien

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