25 Phrases Men Can’t Stand to Hear Women Say.

50 Words Women Really Hate. Yes, we do. “Clitorectomy” is right there at the top of my list.

50 Things Men Wish Women Knew.

How to keep the woman in your life happy.

Can’t We Talk? A primer on male-female communication. (via Look at This)

HORRIBLE MAN-BASHING JOKES

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What''s the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

HORRIBLE WOMAN-BASHING JOKES

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course, at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Thought for today: Saw an article in a womens magazine entitled “All Men Are Liars” - which was strange because it was right next to an advertisement for Wonderbra. (Thanks, Rich!)

 Previously at Miss Cellania:

• Mars and Venus, Introduction
• Mars and Venus: A Day Late
• Mars and Venus: Bad Date
• Mars and Venus: Crossed Signals
• Mars and Venus: Dictionary
• Mars and Venus: Education
• Mars and Venus: Expectations
• Mars and Venus: Further Study
• Mars and Venus: Good Times
• Mars and Venus: Just Plain Different
• Mars and Venus: Literature
• Mars and Venus: Living Together
• Mars and Venus: Man Things
• Mars and Venus: Marriage
• Mars and Venus: Men and Money
• Mars and Venus: Movies
• Mars and Venus: Procedures
• Mars and Venus: Seeking
• Mars and Venus: Semantics
• Mars and Venus: The Advantages
• Mars and Venus: Viva la Difference!
• Mars and Venus: We Think Differently
• Mars and Venus: What Men Want
• Mars and Venus: What Women Want
• Mars and Venus: Woman Things
• Mars and Venus: he said, she said
• Mars and Venus: the Breakup

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling... however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Thought for today: Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.  ~Jean Kerr

 For more humor about both men and women, see the Mars and Venus archive.

Humorist Mark Gungor explains it as we all know it really is. (via Neatorama)

This ad pits men against women. If they’d only replaced the newspaper at the end with sex, then it’d resemble real life! (via the Presurfer)

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Some say that all relationships are a tradeoff, since women want security and men want sex. A man who has more money can afford a more attractive sex partner. A woman who looks good can choose among men who have something to offer (like a trust fund). Whether all relationships are like this depends on how closely you look at it, since a cynical eye can reduce all relationships down to concrete terms. Men without money often manage to find a woman, so does that go against the rule, or is it just a matter of supply and demand? Maybe some women find security in something besides money... security against being alone, perhaps. But there's no doubt a lot of relationships are transactions on one level or another. A man makes it big and trades his college sweetheart in for a young trophy wife. Young women in far-flung nations are willing to marry anyone as long as he's American (and presumable rich in their eyes). A woman's attraction to a man is affected, consciously or not, when she finds out he's still living in his mother's basement. Some people are just more blatant about what they are looking for than others.

Beethoven’s Fifth Gold Digger

Actress Tricia Walsh-Smith posted a video on YouTube to vent her frustration at the terms of the prenup she signed when she married a rich man 25 years her senior who won’t have sex with her.

Fascinating discussion at Moxie on first-date sex.

The Useless Men on going Dutch. They think it’s alright, but prefer to let the woman pay.

The Economic Causes of Monogamy. Since biology and much of history favor polygyny, it took some powerful forces for monogamy to become our custom.

How to Spot a Rich Man.

What men and women really want in a mate.

Forbes has a slide show with pictures of the women billionaires marry. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men.

How to be a gold digger.

THERE’S A WORD FOR THIS

(Thanks, April!)
A gentleman diner asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at another table. The  waiter  took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This  is from the gentleman  seated over there," indicating  the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly  for a second,  not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply  note to the man.

The waiter, who was  lingering for a response, took the note  from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to  accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a   million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your  pants."

After reading the note, the man  decided to compose one of his own in return. He  folded the note, handed it to the waiter and  instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari 360 Spyder, an Aston Martin DB9, a Mercedes SL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my  garages. There is over twenty million dollars in my  bank account, but, not even for a woman as beautiful as  you, would I cut two inches off.  Just send the bottle back.....

Previously at Miss Cellania: Men and Money and Prostitution

Thought for today: Looks fade, but cash will draw interest.

gold digger money sex relationships dating

For this entry in the continuing series, we'll look at the differences in taste between men and women. We seek different types of entertainment, pastimes, and edification. Its such a broad subject, men's and womens's taste in movies and television will have to be addressed separately. Today, lets talk about the printed word, whether in books, periodicals, or online.

For women, the printed word can be all things and anything. Its perfectly suited to a woman's imagination, which can paint a better picture than any photograph or illustration. Men read for information. Men who read a lot tend to lean heavily toward history, science, engineering, and other non-fiction. The glaring exception is science fiction, which is after all, sort of science. For men, emotional topics are better served up through visuals, i.e. movies. This difference between men and women goes a long way toward explaining how woman can enjoy erotica with no pictures; therefore maintaining the fantasy that she does not indulge in erotica (see Romance Novels).



THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
----------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Wanker.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Get f****d.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Eat s**t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.
*************************************************************

(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.

How men differ from woman on internet usage.

Now that so many men and women are keeping online journals, it easy to spot the difference between men's blogs and women's blogs.

Sometimes there's a fine line between a blogroll and a little black book.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

 

Previously at Miss Cellania:  More in the Literature category and the Mars and Venus category.

Thought for today: Men fall in love with their eyes. Woman fall in love with their ears. So if you want her to keep up her looks, you’d better talk to her occasionally. And listen.

This post originally appeared on March 8, 2006.

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When I posted Mars and Venus: What Men Want, I felt I’d better do one on the other side, too. But I didn’t have any material whatsoever at the time! If a guy asks what women want in a man, many women would tell him, in so many words that he will quit listening before she barely gets started. I’ve struggled with this question for myself, from the desire to catch the brass ring to figuring out how little I will settle for. Somewhere in there is a happy medium, and each woman has to figure out what her priorities are. Even if you can, it’s hard to whittle it down into small words that you can communicate to a man. So far, I’ve got it down to this: a woman wants to be admired and desired. Both. We want you to like us for the person we are, and we also want some of you to like us in that way.

But once you get past the bare minimum, we want it all! A  big strong handsome manly man who’s not afraid to discuss his feelings, rich, unselfish, intelligent, loyal, kind, adventurous, with enough free time to spend some with us, but not enough to smother us. And it wouldn’t hurt if he’s a great cook.



What Women Want: The Documentary

I saw this after I wrote the intro to this post. At first I thought, hey, they are just asking high school kids who don’t yet know what they want! But then they asked the MOM, and she’s got it down.

This little girl wants a weinie. But if she can’t have one, she has a second choice!

Four types of men that women can’t say no to. (via Look at This)

The way to get what we want.

Another way to get what we want. -->

At Clueless in Carolina, both mother and daughter know how to get what they want from a man.

10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome (i.e. MEN).

Porn for Girls by Girls. Funny, but obviously designed by a guy who has no clue about what women want in their porn. Safe for work. (via b3ta)

Top Ten Women’s Sexual Fantasies. They aren’t too clear about how they compiled this list or how many women participated, but you may have to have a fan on while reading.

LATE NIGHT

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replied Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," said Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replied Tammy.

Ah, the travails of being magnifique... or having one, as it were. This is in French, with subtitles, but you really don’t need them. And then I find out it’s an advertisement, somehow, but not in the sense of a regular TV spot. Still, it’s magnifique! (Thanks, PAgent!)

 

 

I WILL SURVIVE

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Thought for today: Women are meant to be loved, not understood. -Oscar Wilde

humor jokes video funny relationship desire men women

The question is really too simple. If you ask a man what he wants, he may say a Heinekin, a bacon sandwich, and a blowjob. That would make most guys happy for a while. Long range, he may say a ski trip, a raise, or a cup holder for his Lazy Boy. But this is a Mars and Venus post. What do guys want in a woman? This is in no way an advice column. I would never advocate that you change yourself for someone of the opposite sex, at least in ways that make you something besides who you are. I’m all for a bit of compromise. In fact, I’ve changed everything about my life for a man, more than once. Didn’t do me much good in the long run. No, this information is provided for entertainment purposes only. What men want is good for a few laughs!

After Oz (via Bonez)

Top Ten Things Women Should Know About Men ...As If We Didn't Know Already.

Men May Be Dogs But We Love Them Anyway.

A Survey of Men 101 may be ten years old, but still applicable. I believe she DID survey some mature, wise men compared to the average Joe in nationwide surveys. But those are the kinds of men we care about!

Study confirms: Men want hot women. Duh. It runs out that the sample size for this study wasn’t really huge, and the original CNN article is gone. But that’s probably because everyone just said Duh.

Both men and women want a partner with “a sense of humor ”, but women mean they want a guy who can be funny, and men want a women who will laugh at their jokes. I’ve been doing it wrong.

OK, so just in case there’s a guy who came here thinking he’s going to find what men want, this one’s for you.

Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:
1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
          * Unless the answer is yes.
          * In which case, can he videotape it?
3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.
11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
18. He does not want to be just friends.
19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
          * Well, okay… maybe a little.
          * Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny."

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty," "huge" or "the thunderstick."

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________

Thought for today: I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. -Elayne Boosler

PS: The cake is for Actor212, who is having a birthday today- a big one. So big, he went on vacation, so I guess he got what he wanted! Happy Birthday!

humor jokes video funny women relationships men sex

Another post in the never-ending series on the differences between men and women. Its an eternal research project.

Today is a continuance of last week's topic, the drive to find a soulmate of the opposite sex (at least in most cases). We keep kissing frog after frog, knowing there's a prince or princess out there somewhere. Along the way, so many things can go so wrong. The internet has made meeting each other so much weirder. Here's a drasticly telescoped version of a weeks-long conversation I had with a man I "met" online last year.

He: I saw your picture, and I think you're hot. I want to get to know the woman behind the blog.
Me: I don't know, we have nothing in common, and you live 2000 miles away.
He: OK. Then lets have cybersex.

 
How to Tell When a Relationship is Over

Oh, here's a really compatible couple.

Should I dump him or not?

Top 10 Dating Mistakes Men Make.

For every complaint on one side, there's a complaint on the other.

Female Comebacks to Lame Opening Lines
Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



A VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Tom on the crazy things women find attractive.

From AskMen.com: Why women give bad dating advice.

Previously on Miss Cellania: More Mars and Venus posts, and more Lovelife posts.

Thought for today: If a man tells a woman she's beautiful, she'll overlook most of his other lies.

This post originally appeared on February 18, 2006.

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We've established by now that men and women are way different, although that shouldn't have any bearing on our worth as humans or our rights as citizens. But different we are. And the drive to connect with the other is overwhelming (read into that what you wish). Along the lines, you can run into a million types of guys, or gals, and you just wish you could pick this quality from that one, and that quality from the other one and put them all together for the perfect mate. Kinda like a Stepford Wife. Maybe these links will help, or at least amuse you along the way. And for those of you who are married, count your blessings. Its a jungle out there!

MEN ARE CONFUSING
If you kiss him, you are easy
If you don't, you are frigid
If you praise him, he thinks you are fake
If you don't, he thinks you are ungrateful
If you agree to all his likes, you are submissive
If you don't, you are controling
If you visit him often, he thinks you're desperate
If you don't, he thinks you're not interested
If you are well dressed, he says you are vain
If you don't, you are a dog
If you are jealous, he say's you're possessive
If you're not, then he fools around
If you attempt a romance, he say's you are cheap
If you don't, he thinks you are cold
If you are a minute late, he says you are fussy
If he is late, he says you're impatient
If you visit another man, you are fooling around
If he is visited by another woman, "oh we're just friends"
If you kiss him once in a while, he says you're too shy
If you kiss him often, he says you're too forward
If he fails to help you in crossing the street, he brings up the feminist movement
If he does, he expects to be rewarded
If you stare at another woman, he says you're jealous
If he is stared by other men, boy, you're in big trouble..
If you talk, it's always too much
If you listen, it's never enough

In short:
So complex, yet so predictable
So macho, yet so sensitive (usually to their own feelings)
So confusing, yet so funny
but most of all,
So irritating, yet so irresistible
...MEN!









WOMEN ARE CONFUSING
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
...WOMEN!

The Jerry Springer Love Line dating service.

Pathetic Personals. Too realistic by half.

How a man can win an argument with a woman. Wonderful article, and so true. Especially #4. A guy tried this with me ONCE and I was so surprised and happy, I cried. Then I married him.

Listen to the advice of an expert, 31-year-old Houston resident Gerald Doelpe.

Top 100 Cities with the Largest Percentage of Males. These towns are mostly military bases, with some prison towns represented. Check before you move!

Top 100 Cities with the Largest Percentage of Females. Not as high percentages as the men�s list, but there are still reasons. The town is either home to a women�s college, or else its a retirement village. Check the median ago to see which.

Previously at Miss Cellania: More Mars and Venus, and more Lovelife posts.

Thought for today: We'd be much more successful if we would stop trying to find the perfect mate, and start trying to be the perfect mate.

This post first appeared on February 17, 2006.

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The is the 25th installment of the Mars and Venus series here at Miss Cellania. That's a lot of material. Can you imagine how crowded this would be if I were posting serious articles? Can you imagine how few people would read them? Men and women have good times together, to be sure! Otherwise, this would be a much more depressing world. But they often diverge as to what is an enjoyable activity and what is not. You are lucky if you find someone who enjoys your favorite pastimes. You are also lucky if you find someone who doesn’t, but allows you the time and space to enjoy it on your own.

Hell, who an I kidding? You are lucky if you just find someone!

Why Women Hate Sports


The difference between men’s magazines and women’s magazines.

Male and female storytelling flowchart.

 

 

 

 

 

Men’s orgasms vs. women’s orgasms.

If you're serious about having a good time together, there's a card game entitled The Difference Between Men and Women. 

Also see Mars and Venus: Movies for a cockeyed look at the difference between movies preferred by men and women.

EXERCISE

(via Bits and Pieces)
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

THE DEER HUNTER

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!!

The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

THE PERFECT DAY

The Perfect Day for Her:
* 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
* 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
* 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
* 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
* 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
* 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
* 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
* 3:00 Nap
* 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
* 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
* 5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
* 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
* 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
* 10:30 Make love
* 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
* 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him!
* 6:00 Alarm
* 6:15 Blowjob
* 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
* 7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
* 7:30 Limo arrives
* 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
* 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
* 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
* 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
* 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
* 12:15 Blowjob
* 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
* 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
* 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
* 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
* 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
* 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
* 6:45 Shit, shower and shave
* 7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
* 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
* 9:30 Sex with three women
* 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
* 11:45 Bed (alone)
* 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
* 11:55 Sleep

Previously at Miss Cellania: More Mars and Venus posts.

Thought for today: Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -Victor Borge

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One of the questions a man hates to hear is "What are you thinking?" Because when he looks like he's lost in thought, he'll say "Nothing." And he means it. Too many men with no stake in lying about it have said that it's true, men can often ju