The nominees are up and the voting is open at the BOB awards! No, that doesn’t stand for Battery-Operated Boyfriend, it’s the Best of Blogs! These awards are focused on smaller blogs, so you won’t see BoingBoing or Gizmodo in the running. You can vote once a day in each category through Friday the 13th. Here are my recommendations.

Yours Truly (ahem, me) has been nominated for Funniest Blog. They spelled it Misscellania, but it’s really me. And I want to recommend my bud Monty, too! Her blog is listed as Brain Soup, although it’s really named The Daily Bitch. Raincoaster is good, too.

Monty is also nominated for Best Inspirational Blog (as Brain Soup), and Best Podcast, too! So I guess if you vote for Monty in those two categories, it’s OK to vote for me for the funniest blog.

Konagod is nominated for the Best LGBT Blog.

NYC Educator is up for Best Education/Homeschooling Blog.

Omegamom should get your vote for Best Adoption/Fertility Blog. But if you click the link at the awards site, you’ll get Omegamom’s old site, which has a lot of good posts, but bookmark the new address for future reading.

Then there are a lot of other blogs I’m not familiar with nominated in categories I didn’t list here. Go see them all! The voting categories take up the first two pages of the site. You can vote in each category once a day.

Not long after moved back to my old Kentucky home, I had to go to jail. I wasn’t arrested; I had to bail out my boyfriend. His crime? Carrying a bag of beer cans in the woods. How bizarre! Where I’d been living, this wouldn’t have even raised any eyebrows. But we were a long way from home, and I didn’t know my way around. The police car lost me on the 20 mile dirt-road journey to the county seat. I tried my best to find an ATM to get some cash for bail, but no one seemed to know what I was talking about. After an afternoon of panic and wandering, I found the tiny little town and the tiny little jail. My boyfriend and his co-conspirator were sitting in the office cracking jokes loudly with the jailer, who was quite deaf. Turns out the authorities were quite willing to let them go with a ticket after they found out they were Kentucky boys. The sheriff had only been cruising for tourist dollars. It could have been much worse, as these jokes and links will show you.

Video: Strong Bad is in jail.

Odd mugshots on Flickr.

Celebrity mugshots.

A Beauty pageant for jailbirds? Yes, its called Miss Hoosegow. So what if its only online? The winner was Jesika!

Prison or Work?

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

Jail Break Try to escape from jail.

20 Years In Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

PRISON GALLERY

 (click to enlarge)

DIVERSIONARY SENTENCING

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."

Thought for today: When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, “Damn, that was fun.”

humor links video funny games jail prison penitentary convict

In one of his books (I can’t remember which), Michael Moore explains that the average American supports whatever rich people want to do because everyone holds the delusion that they, too, may someday be rich. This optimism is what fuels a lot of gambling. Everybody likes to dream! When you start to rely on your dreams, you can get in trouble. When gambling gets out of control, it can ruin families, careers, and lives. But when you regard it as entertainment, and only spend as much as you are entertained by, I don’t see the harm. That's how I would regard a poker game, as entertainment. Take ten dollars and play til its gone, which was usually most of the evening. My ex-husband, on the other hand, would pull out the checkbook. But lets not talk about unpleasant things, lets have some fun with gamling today.

Phil Jacobsen down in Antarctica has been not-so-patiently awaiting the first plane of the season. They even held a pool over what moment the plane would touch down. Read about how he obsessed over his number. Then read the amazing turn of events when the plane touched down. Its a story worth telling your grandkids.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.

He noticed footsteps leading from the hole tothe house next door, which was owned by a deaf man. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

Scratch Off Emergency. Careful listening to this, you may wet yourself.

Here’s a little story about the Gambler’s Revenge.

How to play craps. This made no sense at all to me.

A classic, The Winning Ticket. NSFW audio.

How to tell if you might have an addiction to poker.

The day the office pool won the lottery.

THE POKER GAME

Rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"

THE PRAYER

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the chapel and begins to pray........... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the chapel. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, BUY A TICKET!!".

THE KENTUCKY WOMAN

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers
stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral -Not all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,but all men are men.

Thought for today: Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people. -W. C. Fields

humor jokes video funny games gambling betting casino lottery raffle poker wager Save To Del.icio.us

In the recent post entitled Barbecue, I posited the theory that men only cook when there is open flame and possible explosions involved. I said there’s a little pyromania in most men. Several men corrected me, saying there is a LOT of pyromania in ALL men. They like to play with fire, they like to blow things up, and they all wanted to grow up to be firemen. Why do you think there are volunteer fire departments all over? Do you really think a volunteer police force would work? Or a volunteer garbage pickup? No, but guys volunteer as firefighters because fire and firefighting is so cool.

How to start a bonfire.

The Top Ten Fart-Lighting Videos.

Lighting a candle the old-fashioned way. (via Arbroath)

Marti reminisces about family celebrations and fireworks of the past. Lets get drunk and blow things up!

Don’t try this at home! These guys filled a melon with gasoline, then.. (via Arbroath)

This guy caused an explosion by putting gasoline in his laundry!

And here’s a guy who lights a barbecue with liquid oxygen. W00t! Scroll down on this page to see the fun! (thanks, Bill!)

And this one has nothing to do with fire, but its really cool. See what happens when you put liquid nitrogen in a hotel pool.

This video is just explosions. Guys will like it.

SKYDIVING

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

THE GUNPOWDER FACTORY

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

The Fire extinguisher Practical Joke, by a fireman who should know. This doesn’t sound all that practical to me, but I’m sure it was funny!

This vintage movie Know The Cause is 33 minutes long, but tells you everything you need to know about arson, whether you want to commit it or investigate it.

Since every man wanted to be a firefighter at one time or another, only the most macho guys make it as a professional. And women know it. A big fundraising scheme in the last few years is to feature fit and fine firemen on a calendar which sell like hotcakes. Take a peek at the British Fireman Calendar, New York Firefighter Calendar, and one from Raleigh, North Carolina.

(click image for a good look)

THE LITTLE GIRL

(Thanks, Eva!)

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Thought for today: Lets get drunk and blow things up! -Marti

humor jokes video funny fire firefighters arson pyromania explosion Save To Del.icio.us