About a year ago, two events conspired to change my life. I gave up on men, and I became a professional blogger. Blogging doesn't pay much, so I find myself working three jobs and putting in ridiculous hours sitting at the computer. There's not much keeping me away from the caramels and chocolates in my desk drawer... after all, everyone's got to have a little joy in their lives! As a consequence, I have become incredibly fat. I keep telling myself "this is temporary, I can lose this weight". Sure I can, all it takes is MORE self-denial MORE sacrifice, MORE willpower. Reminds me of the old joke where the man asks the doctor how long can he expect to live. The doctor asks, "Do you eat healthy food, avoid smoking, drinking, and wild sex, go to bed at a decent time, and exercise?" When the man answers yes, the doctor says "Then why do you care?"

Honestly, the main thing I need is to get out of the house (and away from the desk drawer) and get a life. It would probably help my blogging in the long run. But who has the time with post requirements and deadlines?

Cheesecake

See amazing things made of candy at Sugart.

Cuppycake Gumdrop Snookums. You need to have your insulin ready for this one.

Virtual Ice Cream Cone Generator.

Pie blogging, for pie fans.

Red Velvet Cake does not taste like velvet. Devil's Food Cake does not taste like hell. So what about Urinal Cakes?

Indulge online at The Candy Addict. Don't miss the Top Ten Candy Urban Legends.

 

 

 

 

THE BAKE SALE

(Thanks, Wendy!)

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this.... Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale!

After rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Chocolate, Chocolate Candy, Chocolate and Coffee, Christmas Treats, Halloween Candy, Peeps, Easter Eggs, and Bunnies, Coffee and Chocolate, and Fruitcake.

Thought for today: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

The original version of this post appeared on April 4, 2006. It once included a plug for the Sexiest Male Blogger Contest, which is why the comments make no sense.

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"Oh no! Miss Cellania has completely run out of ideas, if she's down to posting recipes!"

Naw, this is still different. Lately, I've had a lot of fun teaching the kids how to perfectly roast a marshmallow over a bonfire and in the fireplace. We also are trying crystal rock candy, which is a hit-or-miss thing so far. They think that's adventuresome cooking, but they ain't seen nothin yet!

What happens when a bunch of geeks, mechanics, and slackers get hungry? I mean, besides calling Mom. If you don�t have a kitchen, you have to use your imagination, or whatever is lying around. There are some pretty resourceful folks out there!

Poached Salmon in a dishwasher.

Cooking chicken with a volcano.

Recipe for chili using a blowtorch.

Grilled cheese sandwich made with a steam iron.

Prison wine made in a toilet.

Beer in a coffeemaker.

Almost anything made by solar cooker.

How to cook an egg with a cellphone. Since I first published this, I found out it's an urban legend. Don't try it!

Cooking with a car engine is rather well known, thanks to the book Manifold Destiny, but I found an extra recipe thats about as odd as it gets, Manifold Stew.

A chemists recipe for chocolate chip cookies, with a critique from another chemist following. This is funny, IF you can follow it!

Here's a gallery of food that looks like other things.

This one's for the kids: How to make your own marshmallows.

For geeks who can't spare the time to even GO to the kitchen, here's an EZ Bake oven that plugs into your computer.

Recipes of the future, courtesy of the Electric Museum.

This is a great site for anyone who has read this far, Cooking for Engineers.

Recipes that make you afraid to go back in the kitchen.

This link will either scare you off microwaves, or arouse your curiosity. Remember, curiosity killed the cat. Unwise Microwave Oven Experiments.

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Barbecue
10. Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail.
9. To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone.
8. The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings.
7. The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy.
6. Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips
himself with the spatula.
5. Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter.
4. The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night,
and so has your Uncle Earl.
3. You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad.
2. Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee.
1. The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads.

This may seem a little off-topic, but it wouldn't fit anywhere else. These recipes use normal cooking methods, but they might come in handy when you have something really strange to cook, like an alligator or armadillo or kangaroo.

 

Previously at Miss Cellania: Barbecue, Cooking, Cooking Food, Geek Cooking, and Recipes. Also see the Food category.

Thought for today: The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is having to eat them.

This post was originally published on November 3rd, 2005. Then I posted it again on April 7th, 2006 saying (at the time) "I said I would post reruns on Fridays until I get a date. OK, now I have a date planned. But I have not yet GONE on a date, so there is a possibility that this won't come off. Just bear with me til then. OK?" Now in 2008, I can reveal that the date was fun, nothing lasting came of it, and now I've been dateless for a year and a half. I'm only posting reruns now because I'm busy blogging for money and my inspiration is running low.

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Princess asked for French toast for breakfast. Three minutes later, I handed her a plate and said, “Tis is the most perfect piece of French toast ever.” She asked why, and I said, “The egg blended perfectly without sloshing out of the dish. The bread soaked it up evenly. The pan was already at the perfect temperature to fry it evenly: a bit crisp on the outside, but not all the way through. The pizza cutter sliced perfect squares. Enjoy it, because you’ll never have another piece of French toast like this one.” And she relished every bite! It really wasn’t so different from any other toast I’ve made, but the promotion made it seem special. Now she’s trying to perfect her technique and match my accomplishment. That’s fine with me -anything to get her to make her own breakfast!



Pancakes II: Pancakes for Your Face

Another delicious stop-motion breakfast video from James Provan, who brought you Pancakes in 2006.

The natural progression of American restaurant breakfasts. Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat' (via J-Walk Blog)

Breakfast tragedy.

News flash: Cutting out breakfast will not help you lose weight, In fact, the opposite is true. (via Neatorama)

Breakfast Tattoos.

Where to get the best breakfasts in America. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, none of the 15 are in my hometown.

The butter-substitute product I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter was a funny enough name, but as the product caught on, knockoffs followed. In order to piggyback on the original product’s fame, these other spreads have to have a name that is somewhat similar. Some turned out just plain silly, like Unbelievable This is Not Butter. See more at Required Eating. (via Grow-A-Brain)

The Useless Men tells us everything they know about toast.

The Ladies Brunch Burger. It’s got a hamburger patty, bacon, eggs, and a donut bun. From Paula Dean, of course.

The world’s most unhealthy breakfast.

AWFUL BREAKFAST

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter.

"Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."

The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"

"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

FIFTY YEARS

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They weresitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”

Breakfast with the Arts (Thanks, Chris!)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Breakfast, Breakfast 2, and Pancakes for Breakfast.

Thought for today: Life is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangy-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have a half a one for breakfast. -Douglas Adams

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Yeah, yeah, I know... I posted about Chocolate Candy on Friday, The Pillsbury Doughboy  yesterday, and more food today. Hey, what else is left that’s so pleasurable? I gave up rollerblading a few months ago when I fell and scared the daylights out of my youngest daughter. I gave up shopping when... long ago. I gave up movies and TV when I became self-employed and had to work all the time. I gave up books when my eyesight went to hell. I gave up men when my supply ran out. But food is still good. Not that I’ve taken up cooking again or anything, but a nice ham and cheese sandwich on rye with mustard brings a smile to my face! And so does pizza, Hunan pork, Mom’s spaghetti sauce, crockpot chili, and a bite of chocolate for dessert.



Food Fight

The history of 20th century warfare, in food form. To keep the characters straight, go here.

Seven strange and wonderful dishes. Hey, if two foods are good, wouldn't they always be good together?

Food that looks like what it isn’t. An entree of waffles, then spaghetti, meatloaf, and hot dogs for dessert! (via Grow-A-Brain)

Chef Tattoos. (via Everlasting Blort)

Fun with Food.

The 20 Worst Foods in America. This ranking is based on their impact on your health; no doubt they taste pretty good.

What happens when you cook with bacon grease.

I love noodles!  (via b3ta)

Seven Deadly Delicacies. Food that can kill you.

8 (More) Disturbing Delicacies.

Advertising Vs Reality - A Product Comparison Project. You know the food you get is not going to look like the picture on the package, but it’s disturbing to see so many comparisons together.

A Pickle Sickle is just what you might think from the name -frozen pickle juice in a popsicle! Have you ever tried one? (via Slashfood)

Candy is becoming a bit different. Now you can get lollipops in Bacon and Absinthe flavors.

Tasty and difficult fruit. This graph sparked a bit of controversy, and inspired another graph that asks your opinion on fruit.

Cheeseburger in a can? What does it taste like?

What is the manliest manly dish you could serve for Superbowl Sunday? Carl served a Baconpig, a hotdog wrapped in ground pork wrapped in bacon. In a pig shape.

FLOUR AND WATER

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?

You know darned well where it went! That's what makes cake stick to your butt. Ho ho har de har har.

THE EATING CONTEST

(via Phil’s Phun)
In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition [tench are small fish like sardines].

The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.

Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven.

The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine - so Hix was crowned world champion.

The headline?

One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench.

NOT YOUR MAMA’S CHILI

(Thanks, Rich!)
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Toast for Breakfast

Previously at Miss Cellania: lots more posts on Food.

Thought for today: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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