Most of us have a few drinking stories in our past. Sometimes they are hard to recall the day after, but they come back to us little by little, either in our memories or in stories told by witnesses. It can be pretty embarrassing to hear your own adventures for the first time through the eyes of someone else. But we get over the shock and memorize the stories, even if we never gain any firsthand memories. We brag on them to some and hide them from others. Then when we have children, and we pretend they didn’t happen. Later, when the kids are grown, we try desperately to remember them well enough to tell them. Or we just try to relive the memories without the hangovers. You know the rule, everything in moderation. But moderation is often the first thing to go, after just one or two drinks.   



The Alcohol Philosophy Song

5 Drinking Stories That Put Yours To Shame.

The Drunkest Generation: 10 Reasons Your Grandpa Could Drink You Under the Table. Of course, they’re not referring to your grandpa, but the culture that made it seem like he could’ve. It’s a look back at the days when drunkenness was considered not only socially acceptable, but even entertaining!

Beer is good.

The epic story of how vodka became vodak at Fark. With pictures.

Liquor Store Archaeology. A scavenger hunt of sorts for the strangest drinks turns up peanut-flavored liqueur, Armenian brandy, and and even rarer finds.

Alcohol Horoscopes.

BARTENDER

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

LATE

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

SHOTS

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots? Are you celebrating something?"

“Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Party in the Stomach (via Man Law)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots more posts on Drinking.

Thought for today: Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough. -Mark Twain

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It’s Friday, alrighty! Next weekend is a holiday, then it will be Christmas season. That means parties, feasts, gifts, and hangovers. There will be lots of spiked eggnog, hard cider, hot buttered rums, rattlesnakes, champagne, mulled wine, and hot toddies. And after a few of those, you can start some serious drinking. So you might as well brush up on some one-liners, trivia, humor, and icebreakers you can use for mingling at the office party. Glad I could help.  



The Miracle Beer Diet

How to make moonshine.

Why is making moonshine still illegal? (via (via Grow-A-Brain)

Study in rats suggests long-term, moderate consumption of alcohol improves recall of both visual and emotional stimuli.

Red devil and blue devil cocktails. Yum!

The Top Ten Drinking Quotes. (via Grow-A-Brain)

15 more uses for vodka. In case you need to rationalize buying so much of it.

Ever wonder what it would be like to drink in the great watering holes of yore? Well, pack your flask and climb aboard the MDM time machine — your guide Richard English is taking you on a whirlwind tour of the hottest of history’s hot spots. (via the Presurfer)

THE LETTER

(Thanks, Gary!)
Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. Bu t, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots more on Drink.

Thought for today: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. -Ben Franklin

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Would you care for a cup of coffeee? Thanks, I don’t mind if I do. What would I do without my coffee? I’d hate to have to drink something all day long that has calories; I sure don’t need that! And without the caffeine, I probably wouldn’t make it through those long nights when I am way behind on deadlines and the kids are finally asleep. Oh, I might be able to stay awake, but I wouldn’t be alert enough to get anything substantial done! Besides, I relish the flavor, the aroma, the warmth... y’all read about it a while, and I’ll go get another cup.



The Language of Coffee.

A coffee (or tea) mug with a color guide on the inside to make mixing easier.

Coffee Drinks Illustrated. This will help you understand some of that Italian lingo only used at coffee shops.

How to quit drinking caffeine.

How to Drink Great Coffee for a Fraction of What You're Paying Now.

Caffeine Facts.

Cornwall College is offering a major in coffee-making.

For Monty, the magic has gone out of her relationship with her coffee.

How to give up coffee and caffeine altogether. (via the Presurfer)

In honor of his 5th anniversary,  J-Walk designed a new coffee cup, with the names of his regular commenters on it! Yeah, I’m in there.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

VENDING MACHINE

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. "Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!"

ICE

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."

GENDER ROLES

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

Previously at Miss Cellania: Coffee, Coffee and Chocolate, and Chocolate and Coffee.

Thought for today:  Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro

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At one time in my life, I kept a rather well-stocked bar in my apartment (in a state where that was legal) and prided myself on mixing a nice cocktail. If you keep a half-dozen basic kinds of alcohol around, and a couple of flavors of soda pop, you are in business. I had 10-12 kinds of booze, sour mix, coconut milk, fresh fruit, tonic, and several kinds of soda. Over time I realized that everyone I knew just wanted a beer, and they’d just as soon get it at the local watering hole, where there were pinball games. Oh well. It was tasty while it lasted. Now I keep only my favorite Southern Comfort handy. I haven’t had a drink in months, but I will if I ever get caught up on work!

 
Whiskey Ad (who’s intimidating now?)

Viagra cocktails.

A gadget you wish was real. The Drunk Caddy.

Drunk-O-Vision.

Classic recipes for Hawaiian cocktails. (via All Night Surfing)

The Ten Greatest Alcohol Icons of All Time.

Drinks to avoid like the plague.

Carl Mertens Wine comes with its own thermometer to indicate whether the wine is at the proper temperature for serving! And after the wine is gone, it makes a cool bracelet.

MappyHour uses Google Maps technology to show you where the half-price drinks are. (via Boing Boing)

Drunk Monkeys.

Sweden has found another way to recycle. Almost all alcoholic drinks smuggled into Sweden illegally that the government seizes are now turned into biogas to run public vehicles. Last year 700,000 liters (184,000 US gallons or 154,000 UK gallons) were converted to biogas for buses, trucks, and one train. (via Arbroath)

Countries with the highest alcohol consumption.

The 2007 Wino Sign Awards from Drunkard Magazine. (Thanks, Jan!

From Comics with Problems, here’s Captain Al Cohol.

THE WIFE

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Another drunken night

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

(via It Occurred to Me)
Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Brown Bowl = Vodka and Prune Juice
Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed

Cocktails for Two

Thought for today: There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others.  -William Faulkner

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