You may be saying, "Miss Cellania, how could you be so cruel as to post about DIETING so soon after Christmas!" But we are all in the same boat (with lots of ballast). Yours truly is as guilty as the next person of overindulging in holiday treats. Too much gravy, too many chocolate-covered cherries, and a few eggnog toasts will broaden your horizons, so to speak. And don't you want to fit into that fancy dress for New Years? Fat chance! But we gotta start somewhere. Bikini season is only 6 months away!

Running Machine

HOW IT ALL STARTED
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Quiz: What kind of donut are you? (via Geek Like Me)

What Kind Of Donut Are You! Powdered Donut Filled with blueberry, cherry, or lemon jelly, or just plain. Did you use to wet your lips and pretend you had powdered lipstick when you were little? Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

 
Nobody said it would be easy. But take a look at the alternative!

The Doctor Hate Diet is for those who want to harness the Dark Side of the Force for weight control.

The Hacker's Diet for geeks who might understand it.

This cartoon will help you learn to use a conveyor belt exercise machine.

Here's some diet tips you can really relate to.

Some folks can't see the need for a diet.

JOE'S DIETING JOKES

Did you say you lost 10 pounds? Turn around I think I found it.

I was on the South Beach diet and it just was not enough food for me, so I got on the Adkins diet. I feel good now, of course I never got off of the first diet. Two diets seem to be plenty for me.

I finally found a new diet that I can stick to. You just don't eat between snacks.

Is this thing on??...Hello... Can you hear me?

DIET TIPS

# If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
# If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
# When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
# Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
# Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
# Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
# If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
# If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
# Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
# STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Thought for today: A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

This post originally appeared on December 27th, 2005.

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Have you been on the scales since Thanksgiving? No? Then you’re like me, you don’t want to face bad news. Turkey, dressing, gravy, potatoes, and pie will conspire against you every time. And even worse is that we are going into the Christmas season, with banquets, feasts, and parties full of cookies, candy, treats made with cream cheese, alcohol, and eggnog. It’s tradition! We eat fat-laden food in winter because we don’t have fresh garden produce and a layer of fat keeps us warmer in the winter. Of course, that logic went out with central heat and imported food, but we keep up the tradition because we can always slap a sweater on top to hide the new seasonal rolls... and I’m not talking about dinner rolls!

Dieting is Hard!

A “skinny gene” may explain why you don’t have skinny jeans.

Illustrated BMI Categories, an art project to show you what the classifications underweight, normal, overweight, obese, and morbidly obese look like on real people. I learned a lot about the Body Mass Index just by people’s reactions to this.

The Cat Miracle Diet.

The Twenty Worst Foods in America. For your health.

The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight

10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day, there's no time to exercise!

9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.

8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.

7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.

6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.

5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.

4. Part of our country's defense strategy: Asses too large to be kicked.

3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of Ben & Jerry's in 'em.

2. One word: Sprinkles 

... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"

SWIMSUIT

(via Phil’s Phun)
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

THE STRANGER

(Thanks, Rich!)

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he  "Hadn't seen his 'thing' in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger,  and not knowing what to say and wanting to be helpful, I said,

"Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? WHAT COLOR IS IT NOW?"

Previously at Miss Cellania: More posts on Dieting.

Thought for today: Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis

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A recent study showed that Americans are no longer the tallest people (on average) in the world. But we are still growing... it’s just out instead of up. The “battle of the bulge” is something most of us deal with at one time or another in our lives. I’m struggling with weight, too. I got so tired of the bad vibes I got from my scales that I threw them out. The mirror is bad enough! Seriously, there are some things we should do to help bring the obesity rate down, like getting serious with school lunches, advertising targeted to children, sports and recreational opportunities, and designing neighborhoods for walking instead of driving. But meanwhile, let's have a little entertainment about our shared predicament.

 
Friends of the Earth (Thanks, Peter!)

Fat Man’s website. (via Grow-A-Brain)

My boss thinks he breaks all these chairs because he’s fat. (via Gorilla Mask)

How fat is your country? ‘Cause mine is FAT!

Topless Car Wash (via Look at This)

Billy Connolly has advice for losing weight.

Check out these ads for lowfat yogurt. They only run in Brazil, ‘cause they wouldn’t go over well here in the land of fat. (via YesButNoButYes)

The truth about the new weight-loss pill, and its side effects. In plain language. (via Look at This)

CONVERSATIONS

Diet advisor: Did you say you're a light eater? You must weigh over 300 pounds!
Overweight man: That's right. As soon as it's light, I start eating.

***

Wife to overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?
Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece.

REMINDER

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman."Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

 

COMICS 

(click to enlarge) 

 

 

 

 

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet, Diet Management, and Diet Tips.

Thought for today: I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

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Every morning, I have every intention of starting a serious diet. My best-laid plans become derailed by circumstances (and yes, my lack of willpower). The kids get ready for school early enough to earn breakfast at the drive-through, where I have tons of coupons for half-price bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. Then I remember we are out of milk, so I run by the grocery, where they have a huge display of half-price donuts right by the checkout. Then I continue my blogging job and run across something very funny about Easter baskets, which reminds me of the leftover chocolate in my desk drawer. Mom calls and asks if I liked the cake she sent home after dinner the other day. After school, Princess is ravenous, so she makes macaroni and cheese, which is more than enough for one kid...  you see? I can’t win!

 
Dancing Office Worker (via Arbroath)

A not-so-entertaining male dance can be seen at Arbroath.

Now I've seen everything. Deep Fried Balls of Butter.

Celebrity diets gone too far. Don’t panic, these are Photoshopped. (via the Presurfer)

Or, celebrity diets gone the other direction.

More celebrities as fat people.

Ideal Weight Calculator.

I love my big ole butt!

If you doubt the power of exercise, take a look at what four years of training can do. The first six months did wonders, but I also really admire this guy's persistance over the years!

THE RELATIONSHIP

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Suck It In (via Bits and Pieces)

ADVICE YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR

(Thanks, Phil!)
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?  
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable producys.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even

more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

This is when I knew I needed to think about dieting.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet, Diet Tips, and Does My Butt Look Big in This?

Thought for today: I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.  -Tommy Cooper

PS Since it's Friday the 13th, you might also want to check out my post on Friday the 13th. 

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