You’re not going to beat a dog for utter loyalty and devotion. You’re not going to beat a dog in any way, because beating dogs is just wrong. Dogs are pack animals and are always happiest when they know their place in the hierarchy. Once that’s figured out, they will give their all happily to please the alpha dog -which is you, if you own the dog. It doesn’t matter that you are ugly, broke, obnoxious, or smelly, you are still the alpha and that’s all that matters. Just seeing you makes a dog’s day, and pleasing you makes them feel on top of the world. It’s not the way I’d want to live my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that’s just the way a dog’s world is. The least we can do is treat them right. They deserve it, no matter how silly they are.



The Dog and the Door (via Bits and Pieces)

Lots of LOLdogs are at I Has A Hotdog.

Fetch!

Queenie in Trouble. A strange excerpt from The Dogway Melody circa 1930.

Dogs with Dye Jobs. (via J-Walk Blog)

A dog suffers from cervical fractures and spinal cord trauma. His name is Lucky. Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s also the true story of a dog you’ll cheer for.

Dog Thong to iPaw: 15 Pet Products We Can't Believe Exist. The political dog chews are kid of tempting.

Relative Dog Motion. A discussion on physics with the family dog, which helps me understand relativity better than any textbook.

The Dog

by Ogden Nash
The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state that the dog is full of love.
I've also found, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.

Violin

(via Dribbleglass)
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, Johnny, can't you play something this damn dog doesn't know?"

NEW DOG BREEDS

(via Bits and Pieces)
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, not a good dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end.

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
You figure this one out.

GOLF DOG

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.

The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."

Persistance (via Arbroath)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dog Humor, Dogs, Dogs and Cats, Dogs and More Dogs, Puppy Dogs, Dogs and Puppies.

Thought for today: No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.  ~Christopher Morley

humor jokes video funny dog puppy canine pet

It’s that time of year! Hello, bugs! All it takes is one drop of Koolaid in the floor and every ant and his brother comes to partake. The pond is full of mosquito larvae, and will be until I get a batch of goldfish that don’t immediately die on me. Yard work means turning over rocks and picking up branches that expose a variety of creepy-crawlies. But what you really notice is the caterpillars. A cherry tree next to the pond produces millions of them, and they are everywhere! My porch broom has dozens spinning cocoons. They are stuck between my tomato seedlings. I have to skim them off the surface of the pond. I occasionally see one on the floor. And I found one in my hair one night! I don’t scare easily, but cleaning up squished tent caterpillars is not my idea of fun. That’s the reason you can’t adopt them as pets, kids.



Stupid Bee Joke

Isabella Rossollini acts out the mating habits of various insects in a video series called Green Porno. It may seem explicit if you are an insect, but there’s no nudity. (via Boing Boing)

Insects look oh-so-gorgeous in the hands of the right photographer.

Do you want to see some really ugly bugs? Get up close and personal with the help of an electron scanning microscope.

The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World.

A Butterfly Destroyed My Roof!

Tarantulas, grasshoppers, and scorpions are just the beginning of insects you can eat. Why do you think they call them “mealworms”?  (via Ursi’s Blog)

Videos of people eating bugs.

Evil Bee, a cool animated music video.

What happens when a bored bumblebee finds an electric razor? This is just bizarre enough that you’ll want to swallow your coffee before you look.

Wasps use venom to turn roaches into zombie slaves. Scientists can reverse the process, leading to a new defense tactic when the zombie invasion comes.

Scientists infiltrate cockroach colonies with robots. Not only were the robots accepted, they became leaders!

Francois Huber invented the modern beehive not for the honey, but to study bee behavior. But he still couldn’t observe them, because he was blind!

How romantic is it when you and your partner share flea bites?

The Largest Insects on Planet Earth. Nine bugs that you don’t want to see in your home!

Japanese Bug Fights is a website that showcases videos of different species of bugs in battle, including both insects and arachnids. Users are invited to submit videos. The rules:
1. Two Bugs to a fight
2. Bug fights go on as long as they have to
3. No outside weapons in Bug Fights
I posted this to Neatorama, and a shitstorm of comments came in, saying this is cruel and inhuman. What do you think?

Stung by a Bee

A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"
The golf pro asks, "Where?"
Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."
The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

POET OGDEN NASH ON INSECTS

THE TERMITE
Some primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good,
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.

THE ANT
The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?

THE CENTIPEDE
I objurgate the centipede,
A bug we do not really need.
At sleepy-time he beats a path
Straight to the bedroom or the bath.
You always wallop where he's not,
Or, if he is, he makes a spot.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Insects, Insects and Bugs, Bugs, and Bugs and Insects.

Thought for today: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

humor jokes video funny games insects bugs

It doesn't take much for me to start riffing on a subject. I was looking for Mark Longmire's Romance Novel Covers and found he's a Planet of the Apes fan; in fact he has retold the story in a most unique way. I thought my friend April (Ape) would enjoy that site, so one thing led to another and now I've got all these monkey and ape links and pictures. I guess you could say I'm just monkeyin' around today!

The Monkey Bar

One of the first things I found was a great essay on how we live our lives called The Monkeysphere.

Cakes decorated for monkey parties.

The bad news for monkeys is about the banana supply.

Thinking about monkeys reminded me of this Sock Monkey Movie. If you love sock monkeys (and who doesn't), Tamara at Sock Monkey Fun will set you up. She'll even custom-make your monkey!

The Sharper Image has a chimpanzee for sale that you don't have to feed or toilet-train! Well, if you look closely you'll see that they don't really have it. They did at one time. But when you mark something down from $149.95 to $1.95, it's no wonder it's no longer available. It's moves like that that landed them in bankruptcy.

Read about the Beer Making Monkeys of Borneo (via the Presurfer).

Yeah, there is a test involved. I found one where you match wits with a monkey. I barely outscored the monkey (who chose random answers). Not an easy quiz, but fun while it lasts.


I beat the monkey by 17 points.
Famous Monkey Challenge Quiz

Geography Your score: 10 Monkey's score: 0 -- Quite well done.	History Your score: 9 Monkey's score: 7 -- You might have done better.
Science/Technology Your score: 6 Monkey's score: 5 -- Good enough I suppose.	Random Trivia Your score: 8 Monkey's score: 4 -- Good but not great.

Link: Take the Trivia Quiz

RESCUE
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."

PURSUIT
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

"Tag, you're it".


Misscellania definition
Primate: (verb) Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

This entry was inspired by my bud April, called Ape for short.

Thought for today: We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

This post was originally published on November 2, 2005. There will be new material here tomorrow!

humor links funny monkeys apes

You can't beat the loyalty of a dog, unless you count MY dog, who decided a few months ago that she'd rather live with the neighbors. She sits out in their front yard all day, and when I drive past, she stares at me. I swear she's laughing! After I took her in off the street, allowed her to birth EIGHT puppies in my dining room, then got her spayed, bathed, and trained... this is the thanks I get? I guess that's why they call a dog MAN's best friend, because she sure doesn't care much for this woman.

Be that as it may (whatever that means, I've used that phrase all my life), people love their dogs. I've had a few good dogs in my life, so I know they exist. Besides, there's enough dogs on the net to convince anyone they must be worthwhile. At least, some of them.



Math Dog


100 Greatest Dogs of Pop Culture history.

Puppy monorail. (Thanks, Kirby!)

Personal ad.

When a dog has a bar mitzvah, its called a Bark Mitzvah.

Singing Dog. This is clever and cute.

COLD WATER (Thanks, Wendy!)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks.

He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

He said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

If you had a pet store that specializes in dogs, what would you name it?

Vote for the World's Ugliest Dog. Warning: ugly.

Dogs in Bee Costumes.

DOG QUOTES
Reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. - Franklin P.

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

Here's a site for all things dog, Dogster.

Game: Don't shoot the puppy!

Songs to make Dogs Happy.

DOG GALLERY




























Look, I taught my dog how to beg! -->

Previously on Miss Cellania: Dog Humor, Dogs and Cats, Dogs and More Dogs, Puppy Dogs,  Dogs and Puppies.

Thought for today: Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am. 

This post first appeared on April 24, 2006.
humor jokes video funny games dogs puppies canine