This is the place where I try to put some personal anecdote about the topic of the day, but I’m a bit dry on that supply for medical stuff. See, I haven’t been to a doctor in several years, and certainly not since I lost my health insurance along with my last punch-the-clock job. Self-employed people just can’t afford that kind of luxury. I know that lowers my chances of meeting an unmarried doctor, but an office call never was a great strategy for that. You’d come across as either unhealthy or hypochondriac. I have plenty of relatives with funny doctor stories, but that would violate blogger-family member confidentiality rules. As if there were such a thing.



I’m a Doctor, Not a....

A Hypochondriac's Twitter Chain.

Gynecologists say the darndest things.

Medical Confessions. Five doctors spill the beans about annoying patients, malpractice, how much they drink, and more. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

A 16th century Japanese medical text included illustrations of the mythical creatures that cause disease when they invade the body. Although the basic concept proved to be true, bacteria and viruses were not visible at the time. The fanciful depictions and descriptions are a hoot, considering what we know now! (via Everlasting Blort)

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?"
Nurse: "No change yet. "

Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor?"Patient: "No, just spots."

The Physical

(via Fark)
So this fella goes into the doctor's office for his annual physical. The doctor comes in, looks at him for a moment, and says,

"You need to stop masturbating".

"Why?"

"So I can do the exam."

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.    

Penis Problem

(via Phil’s Phun)
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

Anaesthetists Hymn by Amateur Transplants

Previously at Miss Cellania: Doctor, Medical Practice, Medicine, Health Insurance, and Bad Medicine.

Thought for today: When the x-ray specialist married one of his patients, everybody wondered what he saw in her.

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You might look at plastic surgery as the ultimate in vanity, but it is not always so. I’ve often said I’d just as soon avoid surgery that wasn’t medically necessary. But sometimes it’s hard to define what “necessary” really means. The “Father of Plastic Surgery”, Sir Harold Gillies developed techniques of transplanting and shaping skin in order to help seriously wounded soldiers. Plastic surgery helped some of them to show their faces in public, which is not medically necessary, but has a lot to do with the quality of life. How about breast implants? A lot of women have them not to have bigger boobs, but to have boobs at all after mastectomies. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing. Actor212 recently had a cancer removed that left a hole in his nose. He had it repaired by surgery which transplanted tissue from his leg and ear. And my daughter has braces to repair a severe underbite. They might work, or she may need surgery later to correct the jaw. Not strictly medically necessary, but we might pursue it, although it will be ultimately her decision. But of course there are tons of people who think plastic surgery is a quick fix for natural imperfections; at least enough to get some jokes out of!

Butt Implants Gone Wrong

Young women with perfect breasts are getting augmentations because they are used to seeing falsies in the media.

Plastic surgery gone wrong: Orit Fox.

The story of Jocelyn Wildenstein, told by a plastic surgeon in three parts.

Scariest Celebrity Faces. (via J-Walk Blog)

This guy got breast implants for his tattoo!

A plastic surgeon wrote a children’s book to explain “My Beautiful Mommy”.

People often regret having plastic surgery. So what do they do? They have more plastic surgery!

What would these celebrities look like if they had plastic surgery? (via My 2 Second Shelf Life)

RECONSTRUCTION

It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, Sean smashed his face into the windshield. In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but the cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.

At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed Sean wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket!

Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended. But the TRUE measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it LOOK? It's not *quite* perfect, doctors say -- while it works perfectly, Sean will forever be a little cockeyed.

PLASTIC SURGERY

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.  "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.  He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Plastic Surgery, Bodymods, Beauty, and Real Beauty.

Thought for today: I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. -Joan Rivers

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The plight of toothless Kentuckians made the New York Times. According to the article, of all the United States, Kentucky has the highest proportion of adults under 65 without teeth. And half of us with teeth don’t have dental insurance. I was surprised to learn that people in other states are more likely to have dental insurance... it just always seemed like a real luxury to me. Where I used to work, no one had dental insurance, with the possible exception of management, who didn’t talk to us about such things. I’ve had dental insurance about two years in my whole life, through a job in Tennessee. Of course, during that time I had extensive work done, but I’ve never let lack of insurance keep me from trying to save my teeth. That’s what credit cards are for!



Safe and White (via the Presurfer)

 

A video collection of dental nightmares. Not for the squeamish.

Strange clip where Kramer accuses Seinfeld of bigotry... against dentists.

Which Muppet does toothless Fuzzy Dave look like? Contrast the look with and without teeth at Fuzzytopia.

Get yourself a Mouth Cam, and you’ll finally see what the dentist sees on the back of your teeth.

Things you’ve always wondered about the dentist.

 

FALSE TEETH

(via Phil’s Phun)
A dinner speaker at the Rotary meeting was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied,

"I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

BLONDE

(via Phil’s Phun)
The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to have her tooth extracted.

Seeing so many instruments, she got frightened.

"Doc, I would rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."

The dentist retorted, "Well, make up your mind so that I can adjust the chair accordingly."

The Dental Visit

Tim Conway and harvey Korman from The Carol Burnett Show.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dentist and Teeth

Thought for today: Of course, the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky. If it has originated anywhere else, it’d be called a teethbrush.

humor jokes video funny games teeth dentist dental

I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you till your relieved when I’m finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
Yours,
The Flu

It was interesting as long as you didn’t know the sender, huh? There’s nothing funny about the flu... or is there? I’ve been there, and I feel for you, but there are still some laughs to be had.



The Man Cold (via Arbroath)

Man Flu is not a joke!Written by a man.

More on Man Flu, from a man and from a woman.

A CNN report on this year’s flu season.

NyQuil, Fortified With Powerful Narcotics!

The Big Picture Book of Viruses. Select a virus by the sidebar, and see what the enemy looks like. (via the Presurfer)

Way more more germs and viruses are spread by hands than by mouth. Think of all the folks who also touched that doorknob, that phone, or that computer mouse. Ew. Four out of five people wash their hands. Here’s the fifth guy.

92% of guys say they washed. 34% were lying.

Top 11 things geeks do when they are sick.

A fairy tale involving the flu.

Germs and You. Run for your lives!

23 self-defense tips for cold and flu season. Wouldn’t you like to be that one person in every crowd who never gets sick?

Flu Time

(Thanks, Rich!)
Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
By George, you've got  it, you're doing the Flu!

Some like it cold, some like it hot;
If you like neither, get the shot.

How to Avoid the Flu

1. Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
2. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
3. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
4. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
5. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
6. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
7. Get plenty of rest.
8. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So, I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Thought for today: This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet. -Jay Leno

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