Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

(This one is dedicated to my fiance, who has four daughters, soon to be six, ages ten to nineteen.)

Comments

[Anon]

This is stupid. Grow up child-parent-man. You're just making your daughter want bone his ass even more. But as long as you don't see it, I guess it's a-okay! =D

[DUKE]

I guess "Anon" doesn't understand "tongue-in- cheek" humor. Sounds like he wrote this with his tongue up his own.

[Miss Cellania]

It's a joke, son.

[Jay]

My daughter is 13, and the hormones are starting to percolate. Funny how at this age, the mere mention of certain boys' names can reduce the girl to a giggling, blushing heap...

[anon]

that's soo good

[David]

That is some funny stuff.

[Peter]

Do I hear the sound of wedding bells????

[Miss Cellania]

Yes, Peter! I hope sometime next month.

[richard]

Here's wishing you the happiness you deserve <raises glass>

I hope we're all going to see the pictures...

[Gordon B]

OLD

i read this like 10 years ago...

[Miss Cellania]

Gordon, I believe you may have come to the wrong place. This site is full of old jokes! In fact, the first time I published this one was several years ago.

[PAgent]

So, he's going to be the only man in a house with SEVEN women? Dear God, that poor, poor bastard.

[Miss Cellania]

Oh, no, PAgent! Just four women in one house. The others live elsewhere.

[Marco]

My daughter is going to be 7months old next Saturday. I found this 'joke' very funny...perfect tongue in cheeck of a switch on Daddy!. When i was a young boy i remember all i wanted was to chase girls...now is pay back time having to protect my litle one from those horrible boys! :-)

[defuudexx]

let me tell u that the set of rules or ideology that you have posted is sthing that only idiots can follow. I have a simple question. Would u be saying the same things supposedly u didn't have a daughter but a son....bitch!!

[Miss Cellania]

defuudexx, you probably missed the part where this blog is a humor site. And I have children of both sexes.