Man: A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man

Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)

Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)

Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:

a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

Chemical properties:

a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:

a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
c) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.


Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurrence: Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH, and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (you must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonics for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego). Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.

NOTE:
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

Graphics from Bill Leathhead's Chemistry Page.