Warning: the following was cathartic for me to write, but may be depressing to read. You can skip the whole thing without hurting my feelings.

Normally, a day like today would be just an excuse for me to indulge. The older I get, the more I feel entitled to do something nice for myself, even if I am paying for it. Nothing wrong with feeling that way one day out of the year. But today is one of those big, round birthdays. Not one I was looking forward to. A few years ago, I threw out the bathroom scales. Now I'm seriously thinking bout throwing out the mirrors, because I hate to be confronted with bad news every day.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I made it another year without dying. I'm now older than my husband ever got to be. My life is not so bad. The other day I read a post about Madonna (who is a month older than I) in which she was referred to as an "old lady" (repeatedly in the comments). So now I am an "old lady". I received my AARP card yesterday (although they've sent one every six months for several years). Where's my discount?  

Fifty is when you realize you have more years behind you than you have ahead of you, and that your life is probably not going to get any better from this point. That's a thought that will slap you in the face.

Being fifty is supposed to be about grandchildren, feathering your empty nest, and reconnecting with your spouse. I do have a nice new nest, which is anything but empty. I'm looking forward to another decade of child care. It will be the hardest part: supervising teenagers. At the same time, I'm dealing with a mother-in-law who needs increasing help every day. You've heard of the sandwich generation? My sandwich is squashed flat. Not only am I taking care of three generations, I'm doing it by myself.

They say a woman who reaches 40 without a man will probably never find one. That didn't bother me too much, because at 40, I HAD a man. Going into the next decade, I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I will never find another. I've dated two men in the past four years, neither local, and both decided I wasn't worth any effort on their parts. Can't really blame them. A man in his forties, fifties, or sixties has a huge selection, so there's no reason to settle for an older woman with two minor children and no money.

Being an older parent is hard. Being a single parent is harder. Being an older single parent is like negotiating a maze full of booby traps. It's harder to remember what it was like to be their age. I have to ask my kids to read small print for me. And I certainly don't have what it takes to show them how to do cartwheels. I don't regret becoming their mama for a minute. Would I do it over again? You betcha! I just wish I had been younger when I started.

I stay busy. Oh, how I stay busy! Three blogging jobs, none of which pays very much, take up my time. Otherwise, I am moving more boxes, sorting and storing our possessions, or else getting them ready to sell. I've looked through things I've saved since college and old pictures that bring back memories of a time when I was pretty much hot shit. Where did all the time go? Back then I had a whole life to look forward to. Now I am so very aware of how short life really is. So I stay busy and don't spend time thinking about it. Taking the time to write this is depressing enough.

Still, my life is pretty good compared to most. My health is decent. At least I think so, and I'm certainly not going to get any screening procedures because that could endanger my ability to get health insurance some day. My kids are doing better in school than in previous years. I have a beautiful old Victorian house with a wrap around porch like I've always dreamed of. I make a living by surfing the internet in the privacy of my home -the kind of job young people dream about. I have more money than I've ever had, although that's not saying much. I don't have a pension plan. My little nest egg is disappearing fast as we set up a new home. My main asset is real estate, but I'm not holding my breath until the old house sells. But I'm better off than the vast majority of people in the world, and for that I am grateful to God. I don't worry about money as much as I used to, because outside of working, there's not a lot I can do about it. That seems to be the main benefit of age: not worrying about things you can't change.

So now that I've gotten these thoughts out of my system, I'm going to stop looking in the mirror, stop comparing myself to Madonna, and get back to work! And I'm going to savor every moment of life I can, in any way I can.

Now get off my lawn!