Saturday
Sep132008
Top 32 fatal things to say to your pregnant wife
Saturday, 09.13.08 @ 12:02PM 
It would be ruled justifiable homicide. Just remember, she's not only carrying your child, she's hormonal.32 “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
31 “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Jessica Alba had a baby!”
30 “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
29 “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
28 “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
27 “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
26 “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
25 “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
24 “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
23 “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
22 “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
21 “Got milk?”
20 “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
19 “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
18 “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
17 “Yeah, well you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
16 “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1995 where you left it.”
15 “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
14 “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two - but he didn’t mean two Orcas.”
13 “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
12 “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
11 “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
10 “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
9 “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
8 “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
7 “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
6 “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
5 “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
4 “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
3 “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
2 “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
a
nd the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife….
1 “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”
(via Bits and Pieces)
See also: Pregnancy
Reader Comments (6)
I can understand them. If I got an intestinal parasite that ate half my food and moved around in my tummy for 9 months, doubling my weight and fucking with my hormones, I'd be pretty cranky too.
CAN WE PUT THIS ONE AS "WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE AFTER HAVING GIVING BIRTH."
WHEN HE TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL, HE JUST DROPPED ME OFF, NOT EVEN COMING IN WITH ME CAUSE I KEPT HIM AWAKE ALL NIGHT. WHEN THE HOSPITAL CALLED TO TELL HIM IF HE WANTED TO BE THERE WHEN HIS CHILD WAS BORN HE BETTER COME NOW, HE ASKED IF HE HAD TIME TO EAT FIRST. CAN I PUT THE TRIGGER NOW? AND THEN I WENT ON TO HAVE FIVE MORE.