Michael Phelps isn’t like a fish, a fish is like Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps can make water run uphill.

Michael Phelps doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Michael Phelps takes this as a personal insult.

Michael Phelps counted to infinity twice while doing the breast stroke.

Michael Phelps can no longer shower because water is afraid of him.

When Michael Phelps looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Michael Phelps.

Bigfoot takes pictures of Michael Phelps.

On the Asian market, Michael Phelps’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

Michael Phelps can dribble a football.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Michael Phelps out. It failed miserably.

When Michael Phelps falls in water, Michael Phelps doesn’t get wet. Water gets Michael Phelpsed.

Michael Phelps can divide by zero.

When you Google ‘Michael Phelps losing’ you get no results because it just doesn’t happen. (update: you get one result, about how women wish Michael Phelps would lose his suit while swimming).

Phelps once punched a hole thru a shark just to see down the ocean.

If by some incredible space-time paradox, Michael Phelps would ever swim against himself, he’d win. Period.

Phelps doesn’t sweat, he drips chlorine.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps can eat out a mermaid.

Michael Phelps saved Gepetto from the whale.

Michael Phelps can swim through ice.

When in China, Michael Phelps would order whole chickens but only eat their souls…then do the breast stroke.

You can find a pot of Phelps at the end of the rainbow.

There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Michael Phelps…. Just kidding, Michael Phelps is first every time.

People no longer go swimming, they go phelpsing.

Water would rather jump to its death than be near Michael Phelps, hence waterfalls.

As a child, Phelps didn’t wear water wings, water wings wore Michael Phelps.

As polar ice caps continue to melt, humans will begin to evolve to adjust to a world of water. Conclusion: Phelps is from the future.

Phelps taught Aquaman how to swim.

Hurricane Phelps is a sign of the apocalypse; it makes Katrina look like a muddy puddle.

Michael Phelps’ sperm does the backstroke.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Michael Phelps' computer. Michael Phelps is always in control.

Michael Phelps once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Michael Phelps once showed me a video tape of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw.

While urinating, Michael Phelps is easily capable of welding titanium.

When Michael Phelps farts, the Red Sea parts.

Michael Phelps removed his own foreskin with the lid of a tuna can at the age of two. That foreskin now comprises the entire highway system of the town of Des Moines, Iowa.

When Michael Phelps goes fishing, he catches orca.

Michael Phelps brought Pangaea back together so he could enjoy one uninterrupted ocean.

Michael Phelps is will be Obama's running mate. He'll also be McCain's running mate.

Michael Phelps designed the uniforms for Women's Beach Volleyball.

Michael Phelps made Godot wait for him.

When Michael Phelps appears, the lion doesn't just lie down with the lamb, but offers to help with its organic chemistry homework.

Michael Phelps is the new Chuck Norris. And Chuck Norris is fine with that.

(via Bits and Pieces and Gawker)

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