You can look at what I drive and tell I'm not car-proud. At least not right now. I drive a green minivan with a banged-up fender. It screams Mamamobile. A far cry from my '66 MG Midget, my '72 Karmann Ghia, or my '88 Toyota Supra. See, I always believed that if you're going to get an old car, you may as well get an awesome old car. Once the kids are old enough to drive themselves, the minivan is history. I'll be cruisin in my midlife crisis car (it would be my third crisis by then), maybe a Jaguar. More likely, a Miata. Who am I kidding? In my dreams!

Car Soccer

Have you ever seen a "Pinto Pelt"? (Thanks, Kirby!)

Take a virtual drive through San Francisco or Seattle.

Traffic Scratch ad.

Longest car in the world.

drivers who are mean to old ladies shall receive their comeuppance.

I'm a Porsche Boxster!

You're stylish, nimble, and good-looking. When it comes to having fun, there are few who can surpass you. And yet, you suffer from a lingering inferiority complex. Maybe it's because you have an older relative who is always in thelimelight?

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Subject: Guy who knows his math

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

THE MOTOR HOME

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Thought for today: There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

This post first appeared on March 12, 2006.

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