Golfers
Thursday, 02.21.08 @ 12:16AM 
Somewhere recently I read that a lot of men aren’t as crazy about golf as they seem. For them, golf serves as an excuse to get away from home and family. I read somewhere else that men can turn off their brains and think of nothing, which is how they can spend do much time playing golf. That obviously doesn’t describe every golfer, because some enjoy golf so much they watch it on TV. THAT I’ll never understand. Golf tournaments don’t even have cheerleaders!
Golf is Different in Australia
Watch Tiger Woods give away new cars to people who probably already drive new cars. (via Phil’s Phun)
Crazy Golf Balls. Play a prank on your golfer friends! One ball explodes, one won’t roll straight, one dissolves into water, and one shoots a stream of ribbons on impact. I wouldn’t recommend using more than one per golfer or outing. (via J-Walk Blog)
Forgive me for going off-topic, but a kidnapping can totally ruin your day.
Golf Goofs
THE OLD GOLFER
(via Bits and Pieces)
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
THE WAGER
(Thanks, Rich!)
A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not? The stately gentleman played "straight & true" golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
HEART ATTACK
(via Phil’s Phun)
A husband and wife were on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Help," she groaned to her husband.
He dialed 911 on his cellphone, talked a little and then picked up his putter and started lining up his putt.
She raised her head off the grass and moaned, "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
He replied, "Don't worry, dear. The club located a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Did they say how long it will take him?", she asked.
"Not too long," said her husband, practicing his putting stroke. "Everybody's agreed he can play through!"
Tiger’s Influence (via Phil’s Phun)
Previously at Miss Cellania: Golf and Golf Game.
Thought for today: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. -Bob Hope
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Reader Comments (4)
The problem was that he was committed to hosting the Women's Auxiliary Tea Party after Mass, and probably wouldn't make it to the course on time for 9 holes, let alone 18.
So, on Sunday morning, he called his assistant, and asked if he could cover for him, as he was feeling ill. He then dressed in plainclothes, and drove 100 miles to a golf course in a different town, just in case someone recognized him.
Saint Peter is watching this, and calls God over. "Look at this fellow," he said. "He has lied to his congregation and shirked his duties just to play golf."
God smiles, makes a gesture, and the Priest sinks a Hole-in-One.
"Why did you do THAT?" asks Peter. "He's been playing golf for 40 years and has never even come CLOSE to getting a Hole-in-One."
"I know," replies God. "And now that he has made one, who can he tell about it?"
"I was playing golf yesterday. Remember the hole where the cows graze along side the fairway? Well, when my foursome got there, there was this group of women, playing ahead of us, with an apparent lost ball in among the cows. So naturally, to speed things along, we went out to help them look. The woman who lost the ball pointed in the direct her ball had been travelling when she'd last seen it, which happened to be where this really big, lazy cow was standing, chewing cud. I looked all around her, in the grass, everywhere. No ball. Then I got curious, and lifted the cow's tail..."
"The cow kicked you?" they asked.
"No...when I lifted the cow's tail, there, stuck in the cow's ass, was the ball. Right brand name and everything. So I pointed to it and yelled to the woman, does this look like yours? When I woke up, the doctors were assuring me the 5 iron imprint in my forehead will go away eventually.."
They were frustrated by the slow play of the foursome ahead of them. They couldn't seem to hit the ball any where, they drove their cart into a tree, they stumbled around, lost balls and left them laying behind in obvious locations.
They called over a course warden and asked if there was anything he would do to speed up their play. The warden apologized and then explained that this was a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight putting out a fire in the clubhouse the year before. Since then the golf course let them play whenever they wanted and didn't hastle them.
The three friends thought about it and expressed appreciation for the golf courses compassion.
The Doctor said, "I have a couple friends that are world-class eye surgeons. I will ask them if there is anything they could do to help."
The Preacher said, "I will have my whole congregation pray that God will send a miracle to help those poor firefighters."
The Engineer was quiet for a few minutes and then asked "Why don't they play at night?"