Redneck Engineering Exam

This subject hits close to home. Around here, the main industries are the stripping of our natural resources, logs and coal. The manufacturing sector has gone from moonshine to marijuana to methamphetamine. I know from whence I speak, because I have a bathtub on my front porch and a litter of puppies underneath.

Redneck Power Windows (via Bits and Pieces)

OK, we need to set the mood for the test. Watch this squirrel and penguin to get the tune stuck in your head.

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a) '66 Ford Fairlane
b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift.
How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

While you are calculating, check out these redneck photo galleries.

Or play a redneck game.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Hillbilly Computer, Computer Trap Shoot, and a whole lot more posts on Rednecks and Hillbillies.

Thought for today: We put the "k" in "kwality."

This post originally appeared on August 29th, 2005.

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Comments

[robert bourne]

Ahh.. a subject close to my heart..:))
1: 1/2 an inch
2:Ford Fairlane unless you coat it in wd40
3 2 from a chevy pickup plus a smaller one from a Chevy Vega..
4: who cares just keep drinking till yur done..
5:about the same as when uncle Alf breaks wind
6:2 plus Skeeter will have three broken ribs
7:Sure plus cousin Lee as well..
8:1 will swerve and crash..that'll be Aunt Emm cause she always forgets her specs and her hearing aid battery is dead so she didn't hear everyone a yellin at her..
9:three and a half caartons,one case of Mellow Yellow and seven packages of Twinkies..
10: Two and I think it's affecting Ma as well she has a hitch in her giddy up for a month or two..

[zhoe wynz]

hye.. nice blog of urs.. dropping by from big bang meme list :)

[Jack K.]

I reckon I'm agonna have to go back to skool. Or, at least get another case a beer will I works to figger this stuff out. lol

[Walt]

Nice, I bet you really are fun. This thing seldom lets me post here. Let's see if I drop my e-mail...........

[TrevorMoorehouse]

Hey, thanks for your comment on my Cracked article, I noticed you said you had written for Mental Floss, what article(s) have you written? I'm an avid flossophile.

[droudy]

This post reminds me of SCTV.

May the Good Lord take a likin' to ya', and blow ya' up real soon!

[Hale McKay]

This good old boy loved the Redneck Engineering Exam. I liked it so much I done borrowed it to post over at <a href="http://lordsoflexicon.blogspot.com"> <i><b>Verbicidal Tendencies</i></b></a> for Tuesday 2/19/08. Of course I also gave kudos to you as its source.