The votes are in, and the consensus is, nobody cares whether I put any personal content on this site, as long as I keep the jokes. Thats pretty much what I figured when I started out. So you won't find out anything about me unless I can make it somewhat humorous. Like my love life, which IS something to laugh about!

As I surf over to other blogs, I occasionally find a post about "Why I Blog", giving meaningful reasons like sharpening the writing skills, venting personal frustrations, keeping friends and family up to date, or spreading deeply-held views. I always comment that I started my site to meet guys. Maybe that seems like a poke in someone else's balloon, but its not too far from the truth. The real reason I started this site was to impress a guy I already knew. But he doesn't read it, so its a moot point.

So single I am, at an age where I am totally outnumbered by younger, prettier, taller women with no dependents, competing for an ever-shrinking pool of single men.

Bar Bar A wrote about the shortage of single men. Being the nerd that I am, I made a pie chart of her findings. (She also had statistics on women, but the percentages did not add up to 100. Read into that what you will.)

And then I made a pie chart of MY findings.

Notice the category labeled "picky". That means a man who is acceptable in every way (single, of age, not a substance-abuser), so therefore he is perfectly capable of attracting younger, prettier, skinnier women. And they do. So there's no reason for them to be interested in me. Thats how I define "picky".

There are places on the web to find singles of the opposite sex, like these totally free personal dating sites! And you know, thats exactly what I'm looking for, a man who can't bear to part with a few dollars to find his ideal match. You get what you pay for.

I took the Rate Your Life Quiz again and got results so high that they asked me to explain them. Its a wonderful life. As you can see, there's really only one thing missing.

I've found plenty of wonderful men via this site. Some of them are even single! But they all have one HUGE drawback... they are hundreds of miles removed from where I draw a paycheck and pay my property taxes. So face it, you've been hoodwinked by the title of this post. But I do have a couple of jokes.

QUOTES ON SEX THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD 100 TIMES
(via Wulfweard the White)

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)

"Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex." (Geoff Spear)

"I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes." (Anonymous)

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing." (Charles Bukowski)

"Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite." (Germaine Greer)

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)

"For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches." (Stacy Nelkin)

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." (Marilyn Sokol)

"During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else." (Richard Lewis)

"There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be." (Norman Mailer)

"The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." (Scott Roeben)

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean." (Mae West)

"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)

"For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook." (Quentin Crisp)

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex." (Staci Beasley)

"I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading." (Anonymous)

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them." (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup)

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." (Emo Philips)

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day'cures chronic depression." (Faye Wattleton)

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible." (Leslie Nielsen)

"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me." (Scott Roeben)

"Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." (Richard Feynman)

"Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing." (Phyllis Diller)

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." (Jane Austen)

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." (Garrison Keillor)

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." (Tallulah Bankhead)

Being as that I have nothing more constructive to do with my time, I took a test about my love life secrets. Like I have any secrets!

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

Aaaak! How did THAT happen?! I swear the test didn't have anything about marriage in it! I hadn't considered marriage much lately, but the test probably picked up that I don't really know much about any other kind of relationship. After all, I have spent 19 out of the last 21 years as a married person.

HYPNOSIS
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

Thought for today: When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. -Mae West

This post first appeared March 9, 2006.

Photo by Sam Shaw. ©Shaw Family Archives 2007

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