My kids ask me about college from time to time, probably because I keep saying they will have to bring their grades up to get into college. Do you have to go to college? Is it like school? Is it hard? Is it fun? Will you go with me? Yeah, kid, it was a lot of fun. The kind of fun I really don't want you to have, but you gotta fly from the nest sometime. If you ever make it through high school.

Is it evil that I remember the parties so much better than I remember signal detection theory? I could tell you the name of a guy I dated for about a month, but I couldn't tell you the name of the department head I saw every day for two years.

Clermont College Orientation Video


College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Test for Star Athletes (lifted from Hoss)
Open Book. Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in Russia?

2. Present a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire, with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions; -OR- provide the first/last name of God.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) sail the ocean (b) lead an army, or (c) WRITE A PLAY?

4. What religion is the Pope: (a) Pakistani (b) Japanese (c) Agnostic (d) Is the Pope Catholic?

5. Metric conversion: How many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. How many commandments was Moses given (approximately)?

7. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Southerners (b) Not Southerners.

8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

9. Can you explain Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no.

10. What are coat hangers used for, other than unlocking car doors?

11. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Canada (c) Belgium (d) FLORIDA.

12. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

13. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

14. Where does the rain come from? (a) The sky.

15. Essay: In 20 words or less, list all of the words you know. (HINT: These are words.)

Top 100 Cities with Highest Percentage of College Students.

Fake colleges (from movies and TV).

How to write a term paper.

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS
These are analogies and metaphors found in college essays. (Thanks, Wendy!) I can't vouch for how "actual" they are, but they are way too funny not to post!

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

POETRY
The bill from college came today
For all our childrens' fees;
As parents we are doomed to grow
Much poorer by degrees. - Charles Ghigna

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
---Garry Trudeau

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Thought for today: The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

This post first appeared on February 11, 2006.

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