It was a “lost file.” I occasionally see these jokes around and think, “hmm, I’ve posted that before.” But I was wrong, they were sitting here in a file that never made it to the blog. Jokes I’d been hanging on to about Kentucky. And since it’s Friday and you’re in a hurry to go out and do something besides work, I’ll put a linkless batch of jokes up. You can thank me later. OK, OK, it’s really because my mother-in-law is in the hospital and I’m still sick, but enjoy them anyway.

Harlan Bar

(Thanks, April!)
Recently a police officer parked his patrol car outside a bar in Harlan, Kentucky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." 

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

BIG BABY

(via Bits and Pieces)
An Ol' Kentucky Boy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Kentucky baby boy weighing 25 pounds.  Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Kentuckian just shrugs,

"That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a typical Kentucky baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. 

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.  The bartender says, "Say you're the father of t hat typical Kentucky baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.  "What happened?  He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Kentucky father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Coors beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."

HENRY

A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos  for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

STOLEN!

The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the  parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license  number."

THE STOP

A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE

A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares  in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

If you really want further reading, something that's educational instead of silly, read up on Mountaintop Removal. There's a photo gallery here.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Kentucky and a whole category of Rednecks and Hillbillies.

Thought for today: Tough girls come from New York. Sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Kentucky girls, we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it. -Ashley Judd

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