My children started the new school year a week ago, and it feels like calm and normalcy have returned at last. The ten weeks of summer vacation were chaotic, with Princess and Gothgrrl sleeping til noon, turning the house upside down, constantly eating, and staying up til midnight -all while I was trying to work at home. And they dressed like redneck refugees. They both managed to grow several inches over the summer. When they posed for this picture in their new, bigger school uniforms and glasses, I got just a little verklempt at how grown up they look. Who are these people, and what have you done with my baby girls?

Am I Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Are you smarter than a 5th grader? I scored 84%. They never told me whether I am supposedly smarter than a fifth grader, but my 5th grade daughter got less than half right.

This season’s must-have back to school accessory, the bulletproof backpack. See the frightening video here. Only $175.00 each!

Advice on what you need to take with you to college -from Fark, so you know you're getting the wisdom of experience.

What I imagined the people around me were saying when I was a kid.

Every kid’s school nightmare. Two short videos. Watch them in order.

Beloit College Mindset List 2007

From Beloit College, where they do this every year. This will make you feel old, even if you aren’t.

Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.

1. What Berlin wall?  

2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.  

3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.  

4. They never “rolled down” a car window.  

5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.  

6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.  

7. They have grown up with bottled water.  

8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.  

9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa. 

10. Pete Rose has never played baseball. 

11. Rap music has always been mainstream. 

12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else! 

13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone. 

14. Music has always been “unplugged.” 

15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system. 

16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities. 

17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day. 

18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on. 

19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson. 

20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club. 

21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime. 

22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” 

23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM. 

24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.

25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN. 

26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred. 

27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it. 

28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.” 

29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages. 

30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility. 

31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food. 

32. They grew up in Wayne’s World. 

33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane. 

34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.” 

35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names. 

36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow. 

37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV. 

38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody. 

39. Fox has always been a major network. 

40. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh. 

41. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere. 

42. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus. 

43. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal. 

44. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time. 

45. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee. 

46. Most phone calls have never been private. 

47. High definition television has always been available. 

48. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous

49. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed. 

50. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.

51. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation. 

52. Time has always worked with Warner. 

53. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre. 

54. The purchase of ivory has always been banned. 

55. MTV has never featured music videos. 

56. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.

HONEST ABE

(via Bits and Pieces)
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Any Questions?

Thought for today: If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.  ~Edgar W. Howe

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