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Doctor

It was my first visit to the doctor's office (for myself) in several years. I never did see the doctor, but I got all the neccessary tests, scheduled a mammogram, and picked up the prescription I wanted with no trouble. Well, I did have to listen to a lecture about waiting so long to get a checkup. After you burn off your sick days, personal days, and vacation days in order to take your spouse and your kids to the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist, the orthodontist, the cardiologist, the pediatrician, and the allergist... it really isn't easy to squeeze in a non-emergency checkup for yourself. So I needed to get all the good out of this last visit as possible.

And I forgot to ask for Retin-A. Figures.

But I was inspired to construct a post about doctors and medical stuff. Hope you enjoy it!



Medical students have opportunities for pranks far beyond what other people could pull off.

What do people die of? The answers are in the Death Counter.

If Dr. Suess wrote for ER.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery (Thanks, Liz!)
 "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
 "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
 "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
 "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
 "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
 "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
 "Oops!"
 "Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
 "Damn, there go the lights again...."
 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
 "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
 Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
 What's this doing here?
 I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
 That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
 Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
 Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
 OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
 Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
 FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
 Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!

LISTEN, DOCTOR!
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been
going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really
need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like
this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle,"
the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, just 5 bucks. PLEASE, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

***********

Thought for today: An apple a day keeps the doctor away (like he was ever going to come to you). So if you're looking to hook up with a doctor, STAY AWAY from the apples!

This post originally appeared on February 24, 2006.

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Posted on Sunday, 08.19.07 @ 12:09AM by Registered CommenterMiss Cellania in , | Comments11 Comments

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Reader Comments (11)

"Doctor! Doctor! It's hurts when I do this!"

"So don't do that!"

Badap Ba da da dah, dum!
02.24.06 @ 11:24AM | Unregistered CommenterCarl
Almost three weeks and I still haven't even bummed a puff of a cigarette.

Permission to be very proud of you, ma'am?
02.24.06 @ 12:31PM | Unregistered CommenterJoel
Ms. C. ~ What?... My aversion therapy (wheat germ tablets) prescription isn't WORKING? ~ jb///
02.24.06 @ 02:22PM | Unregistered CommenterLZ Blogger
Hearty congratulations on not smoking. It's so damn hard. Keep up the good work. Also, I bet if you call your doc, he'll call in the Retin-A for you. Then you can be smoke-and-wrinkle free! :)
02.24.06 @ 03:46PM | Unregistered CommenterSophmom
I'm glad you finally got in to the doc. I hope everything is fine. Congrats on stopping smoking and for 3 weeks! :-D

Thanks for the giggles!

Enjoy your weekend.
02.24.06 @ 04:14PM | Unregistered CommenterKaren
I am SO SO proud of you Missy for continuing to ban the smokes. Trust me, this little deprivation is well worth it. Keep smiling about legs broke in 3 places (that is highly amusing).
02.24.06 @ 05:50PM | Unregistered CommenterOldHorsetailSnake
Funny. I hear ya about putting us mom's last.
02.24.06 @ 09:13PM | Unregistered CommenterROSA
Biscuit is just adorable. Bless you for giving him a home.

And a big congrats on not smoking for 3 weeks. I know how difficult this is. I finally quit (after many attempts) 3 yrs ago. I remember telling myself..no matter how much I wanted one.. no matter how bad I felt.. I was not going to smoke another cigarette.. and I never did. The feeling of freedom is wonderful.
02.25.06 @ 11:37PM | Unregistered CommenterSimply Coll
I loved hearing about what we don't want to hear in a surgery!
08.19.07 @ 12:30PM | Unregistered CommenterJean-Luc Picard
Congratulations on the not smoking for 3 weeks---something tells me the 3 weeks seemd much longer to you.

I love this post---having been in the medical field----I just enjoy the humor that is out about medicine as a whole.
08.19.07 @ 02:28PM | Unregistered CommenterVickie
Great post, timely too. My dad is in the hospital for a mild heart attack this weekend (he's going to be fine) so I'm going to print these out for him and my mom (retired nurse). They'll get a huge kick out of it.

I have to say I feel somewhat guilty. He had his first heart attack 13 years ago. He was here two weeks ago and I stuffed them full of BBQ ribs, corn, bbq beans, and the like for 24 hours straight. I guess next time they come it'll be grilled fish, low cholesteral foods and omega 3's :)
08.19.07 @ 03:25PM | Unregistered CommenterChris

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