All I do is blink my eyes and there is a huge file of funny links about sex piling up on me. Not that I set out to find such things, oh no, but gravitate towards me. I threw out half of what I’ve collected on the subject, so today you are only getting the better half, so to speak. That doesn’t ensure quality, but its the best I can do while I’m running late on everything else. Considering the subject, you can’t complaim too much. You know what they say, sex is like pizza. When its good, its fantastic; when its bad, its still pretty good.

 
The danger of Cybersex

The worst sex you’ve ever had. Stories submitted to b3ta, so you are warned that it is quite disgusting and may be disturbing.

A couple months ago, I linked the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Here in the Literary Review, we have some actual bad sex passages! (via Dump Trumpet)

More sex is safer sex?

Restore your virginity online with reVirginizer!

How to organize your sex toys. 

Joujou Rated R Lollipop. (via Arbroath)

When women get together and talk about sex... (explicit)

Beach blowjob. (Thanks, Carl!)

MUGGING

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

The Orgasmic Calculator. (via Mohawk Campfire)

Whale Fantasy.

Book Review: the Sex Manual for Puritans.

The Erotic Coloring Book.

A crash course on how to eat a banana.

Five shocking stats about men and sex. I don’t know if “shocking” is the right word, but you might be surprised.

 

 

Chat Room Sex

(via Holtie’s House)
I come back from vacation and look at this newsgroup and I still see the same ol' stuff. So it's time to lighten up! I'll try to help.

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night!

I was on Prodigy and I went to this Chat room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was.
Something like, "Horney and Bald", or something like that.

OK so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "what's everyone wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a nap, I choose the nap.

Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything. But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all. Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was saying things to myself like, "oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh jesus you're the chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good I said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it. I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive asshole, I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to make a long story short I told myself "F off you Cyber Slut", and I disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

P.S. Anybody want some slightly worn bratwurst?

Thought for today:   It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

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