For the past few weeks, maybe months, my job hunting project has been pushed aside by more immediate concerns, like my various part-time online jobs. It’s a case of short-term expenses delaying my long-range goals. I desperately need to get back into the swing of the search, working on my resumes (plural, since I have multiple personalities, er, I mean personas) and applying for the few positions I may be qualified for. You can see the sort of thing that derails my plans in this Doodle by Lee of Lee's Doodles. So I’ve been collecting advice on finding the right job. Most of it isn’t good advice, so I’ll pass it along to you for a few laughs.



The Interview

Ways to NOT write a resume.

More things NOT to say on your resume.

The resume I wish I could send out.

An animated musical resume! Well, his IS looking for a computer graphics job.

Job Application. Not what you’d call a good one.

Strange job interviews. Read the comments.

If you want to get a job at Google, here are some things they want you to know. (via the Presurfer)

Even if you are a lawyer, you cannot argue your way into a job after you’ve been rejected.

NEGOTIATIONS

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Well Yeah, but you started it."

BLONDE

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living
or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

SKILLS

"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel."

"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

 
The radio business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side. — Hunter S. Thompson (via All Things Cool)

Jobvent is where you can tell the whole world how your job sucks. Or go there to find out which jobs really suck before you apply for one. (via Cynical-C)

Scott Adams said: Your assignment for today is to describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way. (via Grow-A-Brain)

A collection of office videos. Most deal with stress.

 Advice for your new career: Temp Hides Fun, Fulfilling Life From Rest Of Office.

 

PLACEMENT

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
Thought for today: What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so. -Bertrand Russell

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