Baseball
Wednesday, 07.18.07 @ 12:04AM 
Since its so hot, the kids and I go out at night, which often includes a stop at the baseball diamond to watch the Little League players. This is new for them, so I spent several games explaining everything that went on in fine detail... for me, since I’m no baseball expert. We cheer for whoever hits or catches the ball, and the girls say they are rooting for whoever is wearing the preferred color that night. Every year I say I’m going to take them to a Lexington Legends game just to show them what pro ball is sorta like (like I would know), but I never get around to it. If we drive all the way to Lexington, we end up eating Indian food and shopping for clothes. But there’s always someday.
Mangling the National Anthem (Thanks, Jan!)
Baseball’s All-Time Fattest Slobs.
The ultimate collectible! For $299.00, you can have a baseball not only autographed by Pete Rose, but also sporting a handwritten apology!
This chart tracks what baseball teams are paying their players vs. their performance. You can move the date at the top to follow how the teams are doing through the baseball season. (via J-Walk Blog)
Baseball Bugs (1946)
Don’t fall asleep at the ballgame! OK, so this is at a cricket game, but it’s funny, and it COULD happen at a baseball game.
THAT PART HURT
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," she replied.
"Was it when they cut off your balls?" asked the guys.
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," said the girl.
"What was the most painful part?" the guys asked.
She answered, "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
The Adult Baseball Dictionary
THE BASICS
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date)
Walk - Kissing / No Tongues
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
and eels.
Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Home Run - SEX!
Bunt - Masturbation
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency.
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom.
Balk - Premature ejaculation.
Error - Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play - Having two partners at the same time.
Loaded Bases - menage a trois.
Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom.
Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms.
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours.
Corked Bat - Using Viagra
FIELD TERMS
Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball - Three strokes DONE!
In a pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out.
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't.
LEAGUE TERMS
Spectator - Peeping Tom
Forfeit - Date stands you up
Out of play - That time of the month
Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it
Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand
Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex
THE PLAYERS
Rookie - Virgin
Veteran - Prostitute
Talent Agent - Pimp
Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues - Under 18
All Stars Game - Doing it with your ex while still going out with your current
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame - When you ask "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"
Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. 
Previously at Miss Cellania: Batter Up!
Thought for today: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. -Homer Simpson
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