Presented for your perusal, another chapter in the continuing Mars and Venus series. This one was rushed into production to equalize the universe after the last post, Mars and Venus: Man Things. After all, I am an equal-opportunity offender. We do have the ability to laugh at ourselves!

(2007 update) I almost scrapped this post, since I got called out at Neatorama yesterday for being sexist... for pointing out something did not reinforce a stereotype of women! I've spent decades defying stereotypes (especially the one that says women are too sensitive), and here I am reprinting jokes that some may think perpetuate such myths. But then, just about all my readers know that, and know that these jokes are taking things to the ridiculous extreme. Besides, I made fun of male stereotypes last week, so I'm evening things out a bit here.



What women say and what they MEAN

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".


Supposedly, the shape of a lady's lipstick (after repeated use) can tell her personality. Mine is all melted from being spilled into the floor of the mamamobile. Wonder what that tells you?

Women process humor differently from men. Women get more pleasure out of the punchline from a cartoon because their expectations are lower. We knew those lowered expectations would pay off someday.

THE PRAYER

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, 'Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give
me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

There is an error here; did you catch it? The beginning premise says "time AND money", which would indicate that the equation should be "women = time + money" instead of "time x money." But then the joke wouldn't "add up'!  

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
(Thanks, Joe!)

40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.

Thought for today: What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

This post was originally published January 19, 2006.

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