Email is a wonderful thing. Messages get to their destination as fast as a phone call, without interupting the recipient. You can choose whether or not to read an email message, at a time that's convenient. You can reply immediately or not. You can think about your reply, edit and check spelling, just like a snail mail letter. And email messages don't cost extra for long distance, frequency, or high volume. You can transmit long passages, links, and photos. And you can send the same message to many people at once.... now THERE'S where the problem starts. Advertisers took advantage of this feature, and email became SPAM.

I get a couple hundred junk email messages every day. Good thing I have a decent filter! I don't bother even looking a them, but maybe I should take a look every now and then. Since spammers started using random word generators to get around filters, there are some pretty weird messages in circulation. My mother send this to me:

I got this today and am completely bewildered. I am not
a customer, never heard of them. But it is funny. I am
afraid to try the link. Love, Mom

----------
From: "No Denzer"
Reply-To: "No Denzer"
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 2005 08:27:20 -0500
To: "Benedicta Peirce"
Subject: Re: annoy Medds

Hello,
We acknowledge you for being our customer. Thus, we put wise you of information and renovates between whiles.

Notations inform us you may want to have some explanations.

We apologize and hope you will take a jaundiced view at medicaments we sell. Again, let us introduce our drugs at attractive prices which may be urgent needed.
We also offer you impeccable customer care. Please, visit our web site at:

http://www.dontbothertryingthelink.com

Sincerely Yours, No Denzer Customer service department


Some folks evidently DO read their spam. Some believe what they read. If that weren�t the case, spammers wouldn�t bother. I�m sure you have recieved at least one �Nigerian 419 letter�, promising untold wealth if you help some unknown aristocrat/head of state/heir launder their money. All you have to do is provide them with access to your bank account. Duh. Those who haven�t been around the net are susceptible to this, so CHECK with anyone in your family or circle who is new to the internet, and tell them to read this article explaining the phenomenon.

Unless you've been scammed yourself, you may get a kick out of The Nigerian Email Conference of 2003, and their full report.

List of more serious reading on spam.

If you think you may be susceptible to spam, watch this. Or if you just want to giggle a bit.



MESSAGE TO MY CORRESPONDENTS

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. (Thanks, Kip!)

Advertisers are all over the Blogosphere, too. Spam blogs are called splogs, and they lure people in to commit click fraud. There are also automated spambots that look through websites for addresses, and link spammers that draw links by leaving comments on blogs. A lot of blogs combat this with Word Verification on comments, those silly strings of random letters you have to type to prove you are not a machine. Driftglass has a Spambot Trap, which doesn't thwart link spam, but does segregate it so the rest of us don't have to read it. I did read it once, long before the comment trail got so huge!

Thought for today: If it weren't for spam, I'd have no mail at all!

This post first appeared on January 5, 2006. I'm on vacation, and will have new content for you next week.

humor links spam Nigerian email forwards

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