Wal*Mart

People who have known me for a while know I don't have a great opinion of Wal*Mart. I grew up in a small town. We had a flourishing downtown area with multiple Mom and Pop stores situated around the courthouse. There were several clothing stores, a paint store where you could also register your china pattern, a music store that sold the latest records AND instruments, pool halls, dime stores, drug stores, and hardware stores, all ran by people who knew exactly where every small part was and could tell you how to use it. Now there are streets lined with nothing but empty storefronts and lawyer's offices. Even the lawyers have to go out to the interstate exit to eat lunch. You can't buy corduroy anywhere.

I worked for Wal*Mart in Missouri... decades ago, back when it was a small chain nobody had heard of outside the Midwest. Sam Walton would drop by occasionally. I married a Wal*Mart manager. Things have certainly changed since then! And I'm sure you've noticed. A lot of folks have.

The Toad Report on Wal*Mart.

Wal*Mart: The High Cost of Low Price is a documentary available on DVD. Here are some of the funnier parts.

Wake Up Wal*Mart! is a website asking for your input and participation.

Wal*Mart Watch is a group keeping an eye on the company's practices.

Article on Wal*Mart's philanthropy.

The man who said no to Wal*Mart. My next lawn mower will be a Snapper.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

(now the funny stuff)

Or if you don't want to read any of the information listed above, you can just let John Stewart give you the short version, and a laugh.

Garth Brooks sold his latest collection of music exclusuively through
Wal*Mart. I got Friends with Low Wages.

Cartoon explaining Wal*Mart's music download program.

Big Box Mart, another cartoon from JibJab.

The Onion weighed in on Wal*Mart�s PR campaign.

Seven pages of political cartoons about Wal*Mart.

You might be a redneck if....
your baby's first words are... "Attention Walmart shoppers."

Walmart Wine

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams
University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Walmart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can�t Believe It�s Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Walmart Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante


Ways to Have a Fun Time At Wal*Mart

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti depressants are.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud "Hey, were out of toilet paper in here!"

Proposal for the Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site.

Helmart offers more anti-Wal*Mart links.

Thought for today: "A new poll reveals that 56% of Americans believe that Wal-Mart is bad for the country, while the other 44% work there." --Amy Poehler

This post first appeared on January 22, 2006. There will be new content here when I return from vacation. 

humor links video WalMart world domination

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Comments

[FTS]

Wal-Mart. Ugh. I'd rather be flogged than go there -- especially during peak hours.

[Godknows]

Hi, Very interesting blog. Happy New year.

[OldHorsetailSnake]

Boy this is confusing. Just WHAT IS your opinion of WalMart? It's hard to tell...

(OK, I'll bite: With whom did I connect you?)

[kenju]

Hi, Miss Cellania. Thanks for the visit and the comment. Too bad you didn't get an invite to your reunion; I think I'd call somebody and ask why.

I love this post on Wal*Mart, especially the quote about not having to dress up for the Dollar Store....LOL

[Hale McKay]

Anything that even hints at bashing WalMart is alright by me.
...I know you like Bush bashing - Have I got a post for you. Check out my 1/22 post, "Beating Around The Bush."
(Disclaimer: Not responsible for injured sides while laughing.)

[Miss Cellania]

Hale, I don't mind you advertising over here, but I CANNOT LOAD your blog! I wanted to read "objects are closer" or whatever it was, and now this, and its driving me nuts! Why don't you copy and email me the raw script?

Blogger hates me.

[TSB]

WalMart sucks and little boys are awesome to raise. THeir curiosity may end up costing you thousands of dollars, but their quest for adventure is unending. :)

[David Cho]

Interesting map of the distribution of WalMart stores. So they are in Greenland, but not in Korea and Japan?

[Joe the Troll]

Similar story - worked there. met Sam, grew to hate the chain with a passion. I haven't spent money at a Wal-Mart in 15 years.

[MotherPie]

I, too, hate WallMart for the impact it makes on small town life and mom and pop stores. I also think it is a force for consumerism that is altering our world...and not for the better. So you married a Wallmart guy and worked there, too.

One of the things I enjoyed SO much about NYC is that it had honest to God neighborhoods that didn't look like every McSuburb or every MacPlace in the U.S. There are so many mom and pop operations - stores and restaurants -- and there is a personal connection that happens in these places that doesn't happen in the chain stores.

When I tell people that the "coldness" and "impersonal" nature of NYC that is the common perspective of the place is TOTALLY FALSE, they can't believe me until I take them into places that recognize you the second time you come in and by the third time, you chat away with the clerks on a personal basis...

I don't do WallMart.

[Feroz]

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[Actor212]

The biggest incongruity in America today is how WalMart and Starbucks are both growing businesses.

Neither being as big as they are makes sense to me, so both together is one of those "NOMAD" (Star Trek reference) moments for me..."ERROR! ERROR! FAULTY! FAULTY!"

[Terentia]

I love your site. The humor helps me relax from a stressful job. But... I truly do not get the "hate Walmart" fad. There was/is a store called K-Mart which came first and was blamed for killing all the beautiful and profitable downtowns. Also, malls were blamed. Now the story is that every town in the country had a downtown just bursting at the seams with lots of diverse and economical Mom and Pop stores that were killed when evil Walmart came to town and forced everyone to shop there instead of all those other better places. I guess I just can't forget well enough to jump on that bandwagon.

[Mamacita]

Hilarious! Love "The Onion," WTc and map best...great, great job!

[old horsetail snake]

Why didnt you take Wally on vacation with you?

[Chris]

I hated WalMart since I worked for a retail grocer for 16 years (ranging from a bag boy to working at the corporate office). My opinion of them was that they ran a substandard grocery unit that was only successful because they also sold tires and televisions.

I haven't worked in that industry since 2000....I still think they are a substandard grocery.

[Suzie-Q]

I refuse to shop at Big Boxcart...

[Skunkfeathers]

I don't hate Walmart. I have friends who work there. Shop there. Were born, got married, defrocked, retired from and died and were buried there (under the power tools or in sporting goods; I used to think it was the stink bait I was smelling). I am balanced in this: I don't hate Target or K-Mart, either. I don't tend to shop in 'em much, if at at.

But I don't hate 'em.

Just like I don't hate Mom 'n Pop shops. I don't hate Korea or Japan, either. I don't hate spotted owls nesting in Walmart/Target/K-Mart signs. I don't hate whales who venture into forests during logging operations. I don't hate flatulating termites and bovines. I don't hate ozone. I don't hate Katie Couric. I don't hate Dubya. I don't hate Hillary. I don't hate conservatives or liberals. I don't hate global warming or dancing penguins.

But I do hate sauer kraut. Ack, phooey. Relevant? Nah.

[toad734]

Wow, I got a blurb. The other thing about walmart is that all their products suck. You can keep the $40 DVD player because guess what, it looks like a $40 DVD player. By the way, if you only have $40 to spend on a DVD player, you don't need a DVD player, you need a meal.

[Stratoblogster]

I just wanna know where DEBRA JACKSON buys her clothing...