I could almost see your eyes glaze over when you saw today’s title. Could there possibly be any more boring job than number-crunching? Uh, yes. There are jokes about actuaries, mainly along the lines of “Actuaries exist to make accountants look exciting.” But what would we do without accountants? I, for one, would be figuring my own taxes, and that would be a comedy in itself. A lot of you would be throwing your money away, and some of you would be breaking the law, possibly without even knowing it. OK, OK, so a lot of you are doing those things anyway. But believe it or not, accountants can be funny, IF you look at them hard enough. And that’s what I did. This one’s for Carl, LaNelle, and Rebecca.

 
Economics Explained Simply (Thanks, Jan!)

Which leads us to Yoram Bauman, Ph.D. the world's first and only stand-up economist. 

Sometimes when the numbers don’t add up, you want to blame it on little monsters.

Economists watch their charts. Move your mouse around this.

The Cat Accountants Network.

Turnaround: A financial accounting game. I didn’t even try, but you might want to take a stab at it. (via Exploding Aardvark)

How investments work.

The US federal government does their accounting a little differently.  

ACCOUNTANT FAQ

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.

Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Q. What's an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.

THE MUSEUM

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

THE DIAGNOSIS

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Accountant Pickup Lines

You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.

Please, baby, let me withhold you.

Nice assets.

Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.

In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.

Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.

If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?

Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.

You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.

You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

This being the first of the month, my Perfect Post Award for May goes to Tom Reynolds at Random Acts of Reality for the post entitled The Only Time You Will See A Picture Of One Of My Patients. It’s a simple but touching story of how he, along with some firefighters and a dispatcher, saved Smoky the Cat’s life. The Perfect Post Awards are listed at Petroville and Suburban Turmoil. Go see what posts others are recommending this month, and broaden your reading horizons!

Thought for today: The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. -Milton Berle

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