You'll have to excuse me for having absolutely nothing witty or amusing to say in this week's links intro. My brain is fried, my imagination is running low, and my feet hurt. My bathroom scales have decided to revolt against inhuman treatment, and the cat isn't speaking to me. Maybe next week will be better, but I'm not making any promises. I was surprised to find that in someone had nominated me for some more Blogger's Choice Awards, but I can't find out who because they chose not to bother voting for me once the nomination was in. Anyway, I'm also up for Best Blog of All Time, Best Blog About Stuff, and Hottest Mommy Blogger. What's really weird is that it says I was the one who made the nominations, which isn't so. I would admit it if I did, because I did nominate myself for the one category I really care about, Best Humor Blog. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Viral Superstar

If 2001: A Space Odyssey confused you, you are not alone. Maybe you’ll have more luck with the five minute version. At Least you’ll have more laughs.

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss vs. Paris Hilton, who is the real American princess?

The Pessimist’s Mug. Available from Despair.com in both regular and executive editions. (via Bits and Pieces)

The 40 most famous internet animal videos all in one place.

I am proud that it’s now official- the world belongs to me! The new book is called “Everything is Miss Cellania’s.”

Comic explaining the separation of church and state.

M*A*S*H for sale.

The Aristocrats joke, political version. If you're not familiar with the original joke, be warned its filthy, disgusting, and makes no sense at all.

Bash the Computer.

America’s favorite buildings. Try to guess number one before you look.

Graffiti Art.

Mother Nature’s Music.

Video of the new unidentified sea serpent in Florida.

THE HAREM

Three guys were on business trips to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright women, shoot his penis off!," said the sheik.

The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Alright women, burn his penis off!," said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Millimeters Matter. Samsung’s new viral marketing ad has teeny tiny cream pies flung at insects!

Old Pictures is a huge archive of photography dating back to the mid 19th century. The menu is a little hard to find, located between ads on the left side. I could spend hours browsing these photos.

eBay Feedback Generator. Set it to positive or negayove, but more importantly, to normal or frivolous language. (Thanks, Jan!)

The World RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) Society.

Rolling Stone on Keith Olbermann.

THE TICKET

(via Bits and Pieces)
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.

The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes, Sir?"

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

The Onion Network is having the same problems as the other 10,000 news outlets, trying to be the first with breaking news. (Thanks, Ed!)

Breaking News: Something Happening In Haiti

Thought for today: That's the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of. - Senator Joseph McCarthy

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