Back when I had a real job (which is a funny thing to say, because we often talked about quitting radio and getting a “real job”), the other women (who were all much younger) and I would discuss various men. Occasionally, the reaction would be “Eww, he’s so OLD!” and I’d have to admit that, ahem, he’s my age. Some young people might get grossed out by the thoughts of grandma gettin’ some, but I find the idea strangely comforting. If the elderly are having any sex, then they’re doing better than I am! So, OK, maybe I have something to look forward to. Or not. What’s scary is that there are so many elderly women compared to the number of elderly men, so guys, please, for my sake, take care of your health!

Meet your local phone sex worker. (Thanks, Jan!)

Are you ever too old to orgy?

Senior dating: Hey, Cutie-Pie, I’ve got Viagra!

From the Smoking Gun, Sex in the nursing home. 

SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he askes,

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

THE PICKUP

(via Phil’s Phun)
I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum, you still awake?"

GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH

(via It Occurred to Me)
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

PRENUPTUAL AGREEMENT

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
Here's a pre-nuptial agreement, senior style:

An elderly couple in their 80s were about to get married.

She: "I want to keep my house."

He: "That's fine with me."

She: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."

He: "That's fine with me."

She: "And I want to have sex six times a week."

He: "That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays."

ELDER SEX

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?"

"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"

"Almost every night!!?????"

"Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"

SHORTIES

(via It Occurred to Me)
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
--------------------------------
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
----------------------------
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
----------------------------
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting!" said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"

Previously on Miss Cellania: Sex and the Senior Citizen and Senior Sex

Thought for today: The older you get, the better you get, (unless you're a banana).

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