Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Miss Cellanias Airlines. We will soon be cruising at an altitude of attitude, with links, jokes, and videos for your entertainment all pertaining to airlines and their crews. I’d like to thank the contributors to today’s entertainment, but they all wish to remain anonymous, due to the possibility of remaining employed. However, since I don’t have a real job, I will take full responsibility for nothing at all myself. Please relax and your flight attendant will soon be around with whatever it is that passes for refreshment these days. Have a nice day, and enjoy the rest of the flight.



Enjoy the rest of the Flight

The TSA’s policy on snakes.

Airline Assholes: Stories in the comments.

How to Join the Mile High Club.

For explicit instructions, see the Airplane Sex Guide. NSFW. (via OK Future)

Some really good advice from a flight attendant about how to use an airplane’s toilet. And the comments are hysterical! The Poop Report also has this thread where people gave their airline toilet stories and suggestions for improvement.

How to control unruly children on a plane.

What does this sign mean? I don’t know, either, but there are some suggestions in the comments at Flickr. And more at Neatorama.

Make up your own story about an airline trip.

Glamour in the Sky: The way it used to be.

Special greeting cards for your favorite airline employee.

How to Irritate People

Overlapping Shoulders.  A new way to squeeze even more people into a small confined space.

The fact that hundreds of thousands of pounds of aluminum and pretzels can fly is weird enough, but it gets weirder.

How NOT to act on a plane. Another example.

This is one weird ad. Building airplanes in the sky.

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train, follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link.
Or, maybe not.

So you think airline pilots make good money? Maybe some do, but a lot of them don’t. If I’m going to trust my life to someone, they are worth more.

A MOMENT TO REMEMBER

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 276, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

JUDITH CAMPBELL

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the  attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said  Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We  no longer call it the cock pit."

"It's the Box office.”

Mr. Airport Baggage Handler

Previously on Miss Cellania: Airport, Plane Fun, The Friendly Skies, Fly Me! and Snakes on a Plane.

Thought for today: The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. -Mark Russell

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