I’ve never sat through a golf movie (except for Caddyshack, that’s different), but I am familiar with the Kevin Costner quote... something to the effect of “Golf is like sex, you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it.” Hmm. I never enjoyed golf all that much. I have a hard time putting it on the same level as sex, no matter how you connect them. But you know I’ll be connecting the two for laughs before this post is over. You can count on it.

 The title picture was taken last night at a miniature golf course. If this is miniature, I'd hate to see what they call normal size golf!

Golf is Easy!

Robin Williams on Golf. (NSFW)

Fifty Reason Why Golf is Better than Football. From the Baseball Almanac.

Hazards in this proposed course will include landmines.

Sky Golf, a pretty game in which I failed miserably. (via Dump Trumpet)

Underwater golf?  (via Arbroath)

THE BRIDE

(Thanks, Jan!)
On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Jack stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. She slaps him in the face, turns and runs away.

He turns to his golfing buddy and says calmly,  "I don't know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained."

The Top Ten Bird Moments in Sports. Golf ranks high!

THE LANGUAGE OF GOLF

A man goes to confession, sits down and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What was your sin, my son?" the priest asked.

"Obscene language,"

the man replied.

"That's a terrible sin," the priest replied. "Do you swear often?"

"No," answered the man, "but do you know the local golf course?"

"Indeed I do," said the priest.

"I play there often. When I was on the tee at the fourth hole, the long par three, I hit one of the best drives of my life. It must have gone 220 yards on the fly, straight down the middle, took one bounce, and then hit a sprinkler head and bounced off into the bush."

"I'm not surprised that you swore," said the priest, "If that had happened to me..."

"No, I didn't swear then.

The shot I had hit was a great one and the bounce was just the luck of the game. When I checked the position of my ball, I realized that I still had a chance of making par. The ball was on a hardpan lie, and there was a small gap through the trees for me to have a shot at the green. I really should have taken the safe option and just played out sideways to the fairway, but I had hit such a great drive that my confidence was high."

The man continued, "I was still about 200 yards from the green, so I took a five wood from the bag, positioned the ball back in my stance to keep it low and hopefully get under the trees, told myself to forget about all the hazards and just imagine the ball on the green, and played the shot. Even using the wood, I nipped the ball perfectly off the hard lie, the ball kept low as I
planned, and flew straight as a die toward the green, took one bounce onto the green, hit the flagstick and bounced off sideways into that deep pot bunker to the right of the green."

"My son, my son," said the priest; "I'm ready to forgive you already. That would have made a saint swear."

"No father," said the man, "I didn't swear then. I realized that I had just played two perfect shots and only bad luck had stopped me from getting the result I deserved. When I saw my ball, I thought that all my hopes of making par had disappeared. It was lying right against the face of a five-foot deep bunker with very little green to work with, and I really should have gone out sideways, but after the two good shots, I was feeling confident. I took my sand iron out, opened the clubface fully, aimed the ball about six feet left of the pin and played the shot. The ball popped almost straight up in the air, landed on the green, and the spin on the ball dragged it back to four inches from the pin."

"F#?!ing hell!" said the priest, "Don't tell me you missed a four-inch putt!"

INSTRUCTIONS

(Thanks, Phil!)
I am told that this is  an actual sign, posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.  

WELL DONE. - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF

PLAYING THROUGH

(via Holtie’s House)
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Joe said "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.” Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

Phil replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

THE MURDER

(Thanks, Phil!)
Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

The Lesson

(Thanks, Phil!)
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"

Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, 300 yards.

"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

Kill the Golfers

Previously on Miss Cellania: Golf

Thought for today: It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. -Hank Aaron

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