Here’s something I bet you didn’t know about me: I have a degree in psychology. When people around where I live hear that, they sometimes think I’m going to psychoanalyze them. No, that’s a psychiatrist you’re thinking of. There’s a world of difference, like, a medical degree. A psychologist studies human behavior; a psychiatrist diagnoses and treats mental illness. In the popular media, most people only see the therapy, which can be done by either up to a point. That therapy can be pretty funny at times.

Psychiatrist

Tickle Me Freud. (via Everlasting Blort)

DEAD MAN

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

HEADS AND TAILS

(Thanks, April!)
Two doctors opened an office in Madison, Connecticut and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the  council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."

The town council turned thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?"

Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?"

Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

THE HOTLINE

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.
If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.

The World's Shortest Psychiatric Joke

(via It Occurred to Me)
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

Bob Newhart’s Therapy

Thought for today: Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, it's you.

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