When the kids were young, we used to drive down to the nearest airport to let them watch planes take off. It was a two-hour drive each way, but still some awesomely cheap entertainment for children. Those days are gone forever. Not only must have a boarding pass to get to the plane-watching area, you also have to bare your soul and/or your bags, and your feet, too. The last time I took the family on a plane, only the kids had to remove their shoes because they had lights in them. Now everyone has to walk barefoot through the metal detector. You no longer are obligated to dress nicely for a plane trip, but I would suggest you get a pair of sneakers that don’t stink for your next flight.

Dean Martin and Foster Brooks (Thanks, Phil!)

Cows can’t fly! 

Airline pre-flight instructions resemble a dance more than a seminar, don’t they? 

The world’s most unfortunately-named airport codes. 

Wisdom from Hoss: My favorite phrase today is terminal illness. N., how long we gonna sit in this here plane, ma'am? Def.: Getting sick at the airport.

When you buy a helicopter, the prudent thing would be to take flying lessons before you try piloting it yourself. (via Bits and Pieces)

The Budget Traveler’s Guide to Sleeping in Airports. 

Picking up a load of fish, he says. 

Don’t park on the runway! 

Blonde goes Flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

FAA POETRY DEPARTMENT

(via Dragon Queen’s Lair)
The following is allegedly the American Federal Aviation Authority's notes on John

Magee's poem 'High Flight' (which he wrote on the back of an envelope after his first solo in a Spitfire).

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)

You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.(11)

Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,

Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

NOTES: 1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Plane Fun, The Friendly Skies, Fly Me! and Snakes on a Plane. 

Thought for today: The devil himself had probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts -Anthony Price

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