Gender differences have always fascinated me. As it does most of the human race, I presume. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another post in this recurring series. Now, remember I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you look like you need a laugh. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun.

MANSPEAK
"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

WOMANSPEAK
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ..
without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ..
you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ..
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE. ..
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT. ..
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ..
just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ..
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST. ..
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. ..
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ..
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with!

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. ..
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

More of what he said and what she said.

He Said, She Said

He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said ...... . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Thought for today: Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. -Sharon Stone

This post originally appeared on October 28, 2005.

male female humor gender

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