The question is really too simple. If you ask a man what he wants, he may say a Heinekin, a bacon sandwich, and a blowjob. That would make most guys happy for a while. Long range, he may say a ski trip, a raise, or a cup holder for his Lazy Boy. But this is a Mars and Venus post. What do guys want in a woman? This is in no way an advice column. I would never advocate that you change yourself for someone of the opposite sex, at least in ways that make you something besides who you are. I’m all for a bit of compromise. In fact, I’ve changed everything about my life for a man, more than once. Didn’t do me much good in the long run. No, this information is provided for entertainment purposes only. What men want is good for a few laughs!

After Oz (via Bonez)

Top Ten Things Women Should Know About Men ...As If We Didn't Know Already.

Men May Be Dogs But We Love Them Anyway.

A Survey of Men 101 may be ten years old, but still applicable. I believe she DID survey some mature, wise men compared to the average Joe in nationwide surveys. But those are the kinds of men we care about!

Study confirms: Men want hot women. Duh. It runs out that the sample size for this study wasn’t really huge, and the original CNN article is gone. But that’s probably because everyone just said Duh.

Both men and women want a partner with “a sense of humor ”, but women mean they want a guy who can be funny, and men want a women who will laugh at their jokes. I’ve been doing it wrong.

OK, so just in case there’s a guy who came here thinking he’s going to find what men want, this one’s for you.

Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:
1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
          * Unless the answer is yes.
          * In which case, can he videotape it?
3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.
11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
18. He does not want to be just friends.
19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
          * Well, okay… maybe a little.
          * Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny."

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty," "huge" or "the thunderstick."

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________

Thought for today: I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. -Elayne Boosler

PS: The cake is for Actor212, who is having a birthday today- a big one. So big, he went on vacation, so I guess he got what he wanted! Happy Birthday!

humor jokes video funny women relationships men sex