Monsters

Halloween is ten days from now, and the monsters are coming out of the woodwork! From mutant beasts to classical vampires, aliens to reanimated body parts, we can’t resist wallowing in the horror as we get ready for Halloween. At least I can’t, since there is so much material to share with you! Enjoy these monster stories, and check back for more in just a couple of days!

The Monster Mash

Dave Burke’s monster art can be seen at Monsterfetish. (via Neatorama)

The Biology of B Movie Monsters explores the real-world ramifactions of giant or tiny versions of your favorite creepy-crawlies in a very scientific manner.

Kipling West makes monsters. She enjoys that.

Step-by-step instructions on how to build a scary monster powered by your USB port. Neato!

This monster will tell you a joke when you push his buttons. I didn’t say they were good jokes.

A scary monster flash animation.

The Goth-O-Matic Poetry Generator. I don’t recall why I decided to include this here. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. (via Arbroath)

Otherkin are people who believe that, despite their human form, they’re really vampires, dragons or some other romantic creature.

Are you a real vampire? Take the test!

You are simply a tiny bud on the rose bush of death. However, with plenty of exposure to moonlight, along with a bit of cultivation and tender loving care, you should soon flower into something wicked, powerful and very thirsty.

Where vampires came from.

Watch a real live vampire drink human blood! OK, so its a bat, but its drinking the filmmaker’s blood!

To really get a taste of Vampire history, watch Nosferatu, the 1922 silent film starring Max Shreck. Originally released as Nosferatu, Eine Symphonie Des Grauens, this adaption of the Dracula story is a masterpiece of horror and still causes dread, chills, and nightmares. Read reviews and download it at Internet Archive. See it with the lights out for maximum effect. Here it is, all one hour and twenty minutes of it.

10 Reasons why it's great to be a Vampire

10. You never, but never, are at a risk for skin cancer.

9. Two words: Bloody Marys.

8. Remember that dilapidated castle you inherited back in the 1700s? You can sell that bad boy for a cool $10 million these days.

7. Instead of rushing out and buying new clothes every time there's a change in fashion, you can just wait for your old stuff to come back into style.

6. Chicks dig the fangs.

5. You can take "bite me" literally.

4. No matter what anyone says, satin-lined coffins are cheaper, more comfortable, and last longer than those stupid Craftmatic Adjustables......

3. Generally outliving the hell out of everyone

2. You can get revenge on your enemies by turning into a bat and dropping loads of guano into their convertables.

1. Great bumper sticker for the hearse: "Life Sucks, But So Do I".

10 Reasons why it's lousy to be a Vampire

10. When you wake up, your hair is always the same shape as the top of your coffin.....

9. Early evening blood breath, that Listerine just won't get rid of.

8. Your dentist insists on filing down "those outsize canines"

7. The Goth crowd you hang out with doesn't think you're that cool after a couple of weeks......

6. You never get a chance to cash in at all-you-can-eat overnight buffets.

5. Your mortal S.O.'s get upset when all you want to do is neck.

4. You smell musty

3. You tend to embarrass yourself when you try to turn into a bat and you end up transforming into a Louisville Slugger.

2. You keep tripping over your cape.

1. Let's face it, you suck.

SIGNS YOU WORK WITH A WEREWOLF

* Still hasn't forgiven Michael J. Fox for "Teen Wolf."

* Newly installed keg of Nair in men's room.

* His Wolfman Jack impression is eerily authentic.

* Five o'clock shadow appears around 8:30 am.

* Only *guy* you know who circles several days a month in red on his desk calendar.

* Says, "Great job on the Hanrahan account!" and then humps your leg.

* Domino's guy asks, "who ordered the large Cheese and Raw Beef Special?"

* Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.

* In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.

* Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.

* Water cooler conversations always end with talk of "kickin' Ol' Yellar's ass."

* "Severance pay" has taken on a whole new meaning lately..

* Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.

* Your sarcastic little "Bite me!" nets you 12 stitches.

* Always calls in sick with "mange."

* Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.

 
Thought for today: I have never met a vampire personally, but I don't know what might happen tomorrow.  -Bela Lugosi

This post originally appeared on October 20, 2006.

humor jokes video funny games monsters vampire werewolf Halloween

Comments

[Lu]

Still hasn't forgiven Michael J. Fox for "Teen Wolf."
Say what?? I do not think so..

[Skunkfeathers]

A wayward vampire mishears a conversation about "this really SUCKS", and tries it himself.

Thereafter, he haunts the darkened night pantries as Spampire.

Your monster isn't the only one with bad jokes...

[katie]

that is so funny! I laughed my ass off. my fave is the top 10 reasons to be a vampire. miss cellania, you are one hilar squared dame!

[Senor]

That's a funny Halloween mask you're wearing.

[Ed Bremson]

I don't know if you're interested in this. In 2001 I watched something like 100+ horror movies, did a lot of thinking about monsters and genetic engineering, and wrote about 100 pages on the subject. I was planning on doing a book, which never really worked out. But I did post some of my writings on the subject. http://taoofmonsters.blogspot.com/

[LisaBinDaCity]

YIKES! I'm afraid on monsters, werewolves and vampires!!!

*shudders*

Very funny post ;-)

[robert bourne]

mmm they look like some of my relatives...there's Gramma.Uncle Alf, my sister Fern and Lester Piggot from over behind Mast's feed mill...

[RennyBA]

I came over to have a good laugh - and as always never got disappointed.

Two Bloody Marys please :-)

Btw: To return the favor: Your welcome over if you like to get into a more romantic mood!

[Walt]

In the town of Pineville kentucky, near where the road to Harlan begins. there was a haunted mansion. Where at the stroke of the witching hour, a bronze coffin would slowly float down the staircase. I know a lot of creepy stories from your neck of the woods.
http://www.ghostsofamerica.com/4/Kentucky_Pineville_ghost_sightings.html