Everyone knows that ETs in flying saucers hovering over Earth just can't wait to take you off-world and examine you, then bring you back to tell the story. A homemade tinfoil helmet can stop alien abductions, but it won't stop government spying. (Thanks, Amy!)

Have I made you just a little paranoid yet? No? Good, because there's a lot more alien abduction nonsense ahead! 

They say most people have already been abducted by aliens. Here's how you can tell if YOU have been one of the victims. If you haven't, its just a matter of time. Better wear your dog tags just in case, so you can find your way home. Remember, if you can't get home, you won't be able to collect on your alien abduction insurance!

Aliens might even try to sabotage our computers!

It happens a lot, watch the video: cows abducted by aliens.

Apparently, they've been watching us. Or at least our TV shows. Aliens explain psychiatry and scientology.

 The Muppet Martians-Yup Yup Yup

The subject of aliens and Scientology seem to run into each other with startling frequency. Here's a quiz to see if you can distinguish Scientology scripture from Weekly World News stories. Since I don't read either source, my score was a random 53%.

UFO Phil was abducted by aliens, and wrote a little song about it. You can download the video "Aliens Really Stink" at his website.

Fun things to do during an alien abduction

* Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.

* Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.

* Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.

* Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably don't have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them - hahaha)

* Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.

* Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)

* Play in the airlock.

* If they're studying you, make cow noises.

* Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.

* Step on their feet.
THE ENCOUNTER
One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed, Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and it grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic," replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you? Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."

What if I were an alien? I took the test, and this is who I would be. I have no idea who this is. I knew all the other possible results, but Leeloo is a mystery.


You are Leeloo
The hottest and coolest alien ever! You are the supreme being and rightly so.
You are a very quick learner and always there to kick butt if you have to for what you believe in.
Which Alien are you?
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On a serious note, Alive in Joburg is a film by Neill Blomkamp that uses extra-terrestrials as a metaphor for how we treat those who are different. If you want to, you can see a hi-res version here.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Alien Invasion and Crop Circles.

Thought for today: Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

This post first appeared on November 27, 2005.
humor links UFO alien outer space space travel alien abduction flying saucers