How many times have you heard a joke which begins, “A guy walks into a bar...” ? A zillion times? Then you know what you’re getting into, because I’ve got a lot more of those for you today! Starting a joke this way is a tradition, or maybe there is some hidden reason. I’m no expert, but I can find you someone who will be glad to explain. But why explain a joke when you can just enjoy it?

There’s a website dedicated to the idea, or maybe just to the phrase Guy Walks Into A Bar. After a long load time, I found out its a production company. They produced the Will Ferrel movie “Elf”.

There’s a whole book of jokes in A Guy Walks Into A Bar. Are you surprised?

A duck walks into a bar.

You can create your own “walked into a...” joke with the Random Joke Generator. They don’t make any sense, but that’s what’s so funny about them. (via the Generator Blog)

Here’s an example:

A blogger walks into a kitchen.
Says the blogger, “Give me two Playboy magazines please.”
Says the guy behind the counter, “You must be kidding me.”
Says the blogger, “Oh, that’s fine, I’m non-smoker.”

THE CLASSIC

A priest, a minister, and a rabbie walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’s this? Some kind of joke?”

SCREWDRIVER

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"

PROBLEMS

 A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!"

Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

ALLIGATOR

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

GIRAFFE

 A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

THE DOG

 A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!"

The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.

Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!"

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"

The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?"

The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

SHORT ONES

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know."
The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ow!"

So these two dyslexics walk into a bra...

A termite walks into a bar and says: “Is the bar tender here?”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

THE LONG ONE

A man walks into a bar in the early afternoon and walks over to the landlord, who is stood behind the bar polishing a couple of glasses. The man straightens his tie and his round wire-framed glasses and then puts his briefcase down on the floor.

“Good afternoon, sir”, says the landlord, “What can I get you?”

“A large measure of your finest malt whisky please kind sir,” says the stranger.

The landlord pours him a double of the Bruichladdich ‘Flirtation’ and puts it down in front of him. Quick as a flash, the stranger has picked up the glass and emptied it down his throat before the landlord has had a chance to speak.

“Er… thats four-fifty mate”, says the landlord.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t owe you anything.” says the indignant customer.

“How d’you work that out then, Sherlock?” asks the landlord.

“You clearly asked what you could get for me. As you’re offering to get it for me, it was clearly proferred as a gift, and not as an invitation to a transaction. I should know, I’m Robert M. Howard, attorney-at-law.”

“I don’t care who you bleeding are. You either pay for your drinks or you get barred. It’s your choice.”

“And I…” says the man, looking haughtily down his nose at the landlord, “…don’t much care for your attitude. If this is the way you treat invited guests, I rather think I shall leave.”

And with that, he picks up his briefcase again and marches straight out the door.

Later that night, the landlord is recounting the unusual experience to some of his regulars, when he sees what he thinks is the same man enter the bar again, except this time he’s dressed casually, with jeans and an open-necked shirt.

“Here, George,” he says, nudging the barfly, “I think that’s the same bloke. I’m going to go over and have words with him…”

So he goes over to where the man — and he’s almost positive it is the same man — is standing ramrod straight at the other end of the bar. “‘Ere, didn’t I tell you to sling yer hook?”

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t understand.” The man sounds puzzled, but he’s also speaking in the same voice as the earlier visitor…

“You was in here at lunchtime, weren’t you? And you wouldn’t pay for yer drinks, so I told you to buzz off!”

“Again sir, you have the advantage of me. I most certainly was not in this bar at lunchtime, and indeed have never been in this bar on any lunchtime — or evening before”, said the stranger in a firm and sincere — and yet very familiar — voice.

“Is that right?”

The man nodded.

“Bloody Hellfire!”, roared the landlord, “In that case you must have a double!”

“That’s most kind of you”, said the man “I’ll have that Bruichladdich again, then.”

Thought for today: Part of the attraction to this structure may be its possibilities: most anything can happen in a bar, especially if this bar is contained within the wild and woolly world of the verbal jest.

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