Did you know Warner Brothers had a hospital? Did I tell you my left arm started hurting and tingling a couple of months ago? I thought maybe a heart attack. I didn’t die, so I guess it wasn’t. Then the next weekend, I apparently cut fingers on both hands and didn’t even know it til infection set up. Hmmm, I thought, there’s a classic symptom of Hansen’s disease. You lose feeling in your extremities, so any injury is often ignored until infection sets in, then gangrene, and eventually your fingers and toes fall off. We used to call it leprosy.

But like most people with no health insurance, I decided that it will either get better or not. Even a hypochondriac thinks twice before shelling out $110 just for a basic doctor visit. Yeah, it got better. Meanwhile, I’ve piled up enough medical jokes for at least two posts, so you may see another one before the month is out. 

Doctor's slang terms and medical acronyms. Some are just too funny, like AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over), and Bugs in the Rug - pubic lice!

Awesome medical animations. See germs multiply! See chemotherapy go to work! See heart failure!

The best method yet of getting rid of the hiccups.

Mike has some more medical jokes at It Occurred to Me.

Doctor, Doctor! from Cyanide and Happiness. (click on the picture)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The Neck Brace Art Appreciation Klub (NBAK) has hundreds of images and artwork of women and men in a variety of neck and back braces. No, really. (Thanks, Bill!) It wasn’t long after I found this “club” that I read about the 16 year old Washington page who chatted with Congressman Mark Foley about his cast fetish.

For those who are interested AND have strong stomachs, here’s a listing of human dissection videos. (via Ursi’s Blog)

SHINGLES

Have you noticed that more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?

One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

The New Hospital Wing

(via Bits and Pieces)
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a mis-conception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a Gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ass hole who didn't give a crap.

DOCTOR’S STORIES

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
-Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
-Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
-Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one" I asked.  "The patch.  The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
-Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..." Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive."
-Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"  " It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste "the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
-Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was " I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
-Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Doctor, Health Insurance, and Gynecology

Thought for today: An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse

humor links video funny medical hospital doctor surgeon disease health care